Why couples fight?...Why marriages fail?...Why no love in love marriagess?...Why no peace at home?

Hai all…why couples fight?...why peace goes off at home?...why success gets torn off for people?...why divorces take place?...Why many love marriages fail?

THE ONE LINE ANSWER IS ‘WE DON’T KNOW OR NOT SENSITISING OURSELVES ABOUT THE DYNAMICS IN OUR RELATIONSHIP WITH OUR SPOUSE AT DIFFERENT STAGES IN LIFE’

What are these stages?...they are as follows…(lecture…lecture…lecccccccccture…(laughing))

1.   Love period before marriage (whether arranged or love marriage)

2.   Life after marriage but before birth of children

3.   Life after birth of children but before children reach 13 years of age.

4.   Life when the children are in their teen age

5.   Life after all the children leave home for studies or marriage

The first step of peace and happiness starts once we understand that there are five different stages in life and the dynamics is different in each of these stages.

First stage….During this stage the two people meet each other. Get stormed by the beauty of the other person. They are floating in air. They admire and adore each other. Talk too much. Move around. Share many things. Adapt well as the attraction is toooo much and this masks the differences. Both are totally free. No responsibilities.They sing, dance, tour and discover that both are fun loving people.

Second stage…After marriage they start living separately or with parents. Issues like cooking, cleaning house, washing utensils, washing clothes and keeping in place, ironing, handling other people at home, cutting veggies, attending functions of each other’s relatives etc take away most of their time. Many do not like these routine, robotic house hold chores. Even if they like, get bored after some time. Male dominated culture does not allow man to do all the above. Nowadays some of the boys help their wives, good. There is no change in work times or office responsibilities before and after marriage. But it appears to the other person that the other person works more at office after marriage. So, frustrating and tiring house hold chores, who will do first, who will do what, I can’t do this, servant not there etc falls in between the romance and love dynamics between  the two. They feel life miserable. They also feel that the other person is no more a fun loving person, no singing, no dancing, person has changed, we got cheated, less outing, less involvment in everything etc.

Third stage….after the children are born the lady’s job increases exponentially compared to the man. She is required to spend more time in grooming, studies of children, social issues of children etc. Chirdren are generally glued to the moms or parents mostly. So, they take away more time and energy. If both of them are working and ambitious then further problems. If no help from parents then this adds fuel to the fire. Responsibilities at home and office tries to sink both and almost there is no time for fun, romance and family time.

These above two stages are the most stressful as both are new to the game, still young to have only fun and not ready to take responsibilities and chores of living and life, peak expectations from each other etc. When the expectations are not fulfilled, frustration starts, hate starts, they start abusing, fighting and the divorce papers are filed.

In love marriages the love starts first before the marraige, expectations are built up to mountain sizes, get married and when the ‘responsibilities’ of above two stages break their bones and brains not allowing to full fill each other’s expectations, they give up!!!

In arranged marriages love is expected to start after marriage. So, love starts growing with responsibilities in married life. The love spark, attraction and engulfing flame for each other makes them to adapt to the responsibilities and cooperate with each other in house chores. In some cases ifs and buts may be there, but the ship sails stable comparatively.

So, if lovers understand the dynamics above then even love marriages can be like arranged marriages.

If arranged marriages are love marriages too then nothing like it.

Fourth stage…the dynamics here is different…children have attained teen age…this is a stage when the children spend more time with friends as they need friends and not parents. They come to their parents only when they have needs. Handling the children, aspirations, competitions in education, adolescent behaviours etc also require the attention, time, coordinated effort and energy of both the spouse. When the children are in their teens the parents are nearly forty or above. Their professional demands / competitions are at peak as friends and juniors supercede now. Health problems crop up to both. So, again they feel the other person has changed and cheated.

Fifth stage…children get married and leave home…now the nest is empty. If the lady was uneducated or not interested in working and believed that life is only giving birth to children and grooming they she gets affected to the chore as there is no job to her now. She suddenly feels empty. Misses happiness out of giving love to children and getting love from children. Husband spends max time on work and comes very late. No love from husband too. Menopause issues for both. Fighting starts. Divorce or accept the life and go on. Further aging leads to further changes in interests, health issues, etc. To reduce the length of the mail  I stop here.

So, the crux is….

1.   We need to understand the dynamics during each stage. This solves 50% problems.

2.   It is not the person changes. It is the dynamics in each stage makes the person to perform to that changed stage.Careful planning, talking to find suitable solutions, seeking help of elders can keep their fun, romance flame burning and finding time for each other throughout their life.Saves marriages. Reduces divorces.

rams