Dear
all...THIS IS FOR PARENTS...
Increasing
number of students, especially girl students, requesting me to save them from
their parents of their ‘MARRIAGE TORTURE’ has made me to type off this
post...though many have been written earlier!! (human brain is complex, yet
simple!...Which word or sentence or phrase will create that ‘punch’ and make it
to ‘unlearn old and learn the new’, come out of the chronic self perceived (or
socially induced or culturally sowed) mental agony...is not known to anyone/us.
So, this is yet another attempt...in the chain of unending attempts!!
Hai
parent...You have already lit the fire in their lives from 4 years of age, for
more than 17 years i.e during the entire growth and critical developmental
phase of their life, during the adolescence when their definition of life,
living, what they have to do, how to live, how to be one-up than others, value
systems, morals and ethics are formed...the period when they decide their
passion, dreams, aims, goals and destiny in life, to compare, to excel, to be
first in class, to be topper in everything, to win
medals-awards-prizes-claps-appreciations, to win in the survival of the fittest
game of life...You have always lit their brains, activated their sixth sense,
made their priority in life as WINNING, getting BEST COLLEGE, BEST JOB, BEST IN
THE ORGANISATION.
And
now you want them to get married when they are running?...They laugh at you,
they think you are a fool, they think you are still living in caves, when you
open this topic!...why?...
1. They
are earning and therefore they are not dependent on any one for economic needs.
2. They
are independent for their food, water, air, shelter and clothing.
3. Their
emotional and socialisation needs are met from parents, siblings and friends.
4. They
can win over their sexual needs through subsiding or through defence mechanisms
and coping skills.
5. Though
they like playing with children, but marrying-producing and rearing children
are not their priority now.
So,
whatever a marriage gives, in their opinion, they are able to get as of now.
Therefore, they laugh at you!...They think ‘why should i get married when i am
happy and getting everything now!’...You did not have this kind of stressful
and challenging childhood growth and development, challenging amount of
fun-knowledge-wisdom-social relationships at the finger tips. You lived through
a body-based, totally dependent life in an era of less exposure, less
educational-job-and-growth oppurtunities based on brain work/sixth sense, did
jobs at home and office which were more based on ‘body’ and not using the
brain/creativity!..Rest and entertainment also revolved around body, and you
used your mind only to meet the body needs and to handle the threats which
worked against your survival!
Earlier,
‘settling down’, ‘contentment’, ‘fulfilment’ means entering into marriage,
producing children, family living, community living with relatives, as there
was no aspirations of growing up and winning in job. They were contented with
whatever job they got and focussed on marriage, family and social events. They
went to office to only work from 9 to 5 and get some money for family living.
Organisation was never a priority for them. Today, for the youngsters,
‘settling down’, ‘contentment’, ‘fulfilment’ in life means stabilising in the
organisations, winning in work, achieving their aspirations-goals-aims-passion!...As
you have told them during their childhood, they want to reap all the
oppurtunities available in front of them when they are young, when the fire is
burning, go for all the adventure activities (opportunity was lacking earlier..in
olden days your adventure was to read a porn book or watch a porn video without
the knowledge of your parents!...That was the greatest adventure you knew!) possible,
go around the world, enjoy this earth. They see marriage and related social
issues as a hurdle for this kind of flying in life!
Earlier
people lived with their religious and cast groups/communities, with less
socialisation with other religions or caste-groups. Today, even you have more
friends from all types of religions and caste-groups than your own community!
Truly your interaction with your old relatives is less than your business,
school, college and social friends. So, your friends have taken more share of
your life time, thinking, energy, life events, entertainment, sharing of
feelings, thoughts and emotions than your relatives from religious and caste
groups.
The
same thing has happened to your children too. Your relatives are not their
relatives. Your friends are not their friends and their friends are not your
friends, and, for both of you, friends have more occupied your life and living
than relatives.
Earlier
marriage was a ‘social need’ of the family and close relatives, and it was a
big event or even sometimes a ‘game changer’ for the family in social life with
relatives, or business motives. It had lots of inherent and underlying motives
with selfish and family agenda of every one!!....Today it is more of an ‘individual
need’ because of above reasons of independency and all children work and live
far away from parents. So, there is no way of combined family and looking after
the parents. They are going to live their life alone, taking their decisions
all by themselves. So, marriage is more of an individual need rather than
family or social need. It is more of the responsibility (when and with whom and
how to get married and how to live the married life, definition of
family-marriage-home-child-rearing of children etc) of the individuals than
that of the parents.
Today
children undergo far too many complicated and networked emotional
relationships, attachments, so called LOVE, soul-mate relationships, possessive
friendships, sibling relationships, one sided love, multiple love
relationships, with or without physical relationships etc that they become matured
for their age. These experiences push them to take hard decisions in life with
respect to ‘marriage is required or not?’...’will i get a guy who is committed
life long?’...’Can i trust any guy for life long?’...’I cannot compromise and
cut-off my best friends for the sake of my husband who is immature and who
can’t understand my friendly nature with others!’....This kind of opportunity was
not there earlier and the girls of the past knew only their husbands since
their teens when they got married.
So,
today children over grow their parents in exposure of relationships, failures
in relationships, cheating in relationships, even living and working in
multicultural and multilingual environment, in adaptability, in tolerance of
social issues etc., But parents are still primitive and think their daughters
are similar to their wives!....Today the girls are good and capable in
selecting their life mate who will be a good friend, compassionate, supportive
in their profession, live nearby so that they can live together, or define
their marriage or family or home differently by living alone and still
remaining connecting and visiting each other often, redefining child birth and
grooming etc.
So, Marriage
is not a priority during the decade of twenties when they are filled with
adventure, work, rising, enjoying the world, with travels, with friends!
So,
do you think you want them to get married so that they look after you?...If you
want to be looked after, you have to go with them and live with them or nearby.
You can’t force them to resign their jobs for the sake of ANYTHING!...They feel
they can look after you in a much better way while remaining unmarried. They
feel the issue will become complicated and may not be able to look after you
well if they get married. In fact all girls of india want to look after their
parents soooo well and therefore they push their marriage away!!
peacefully yours...rams...
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