"Sir, my friend is going behind a person. She says he talks all good philosophies of life and many followers are there for him. But i think he is not a good person. I think he uses drugs!!'

 Dear all,

One question...One answer...

Qn. "Sir, my friend is going behind a person. She says he talks all good philosophies of life and many followers are there for him. But i think he is not a good person. I think he uses drugs!!'

Ans:

Never follow people. Never get obsessed with people. Follow what they say in your life, if you think it will give you life long, health enhancing life style to keep your body and mind healthy, happy and make life long healthy relationships with every one. Anything that does not give these is not correct, right and true. 

Anyone who uses health compromising life style with natural or man made chemicals is not good, not safe and it is better to remain away from him. Even if he has got many good things. 

When the body needs, urges and cravings are high, the body will not allow the brain to use sixth sense, think philosophically, to be in reality, to think logically and reasonably, to acquire and disseminate wisdom. It will only make it to plan the strategies, plans, exhibit emotions and behaviours to go closer to the source of pleasure, acquire or possess that pleasure, enjoy it, and once the need satiation is over, then the body is calm, cool and it frees the brain and mind to think about life philosophies, wisdom etc. i.e in the state of ecstasy. So, it is moving from pleasure to happiness. Going to a state of happiness through satiation of pleasure needs and wants. This is not correct, right and health enhancing. Because pleasure is addictive and anything addictive is not good for body, mind and relationships.

All these people are likely to use natural or man made chemicals or drugs to enjoy the pleasures, be in those feelings, relieve their body from the pleasure needs temporarily, remain in that mental state of ecstasy...and talk about all philosophies of life. Their philosophies may or may not be right. But certainly their life style is not right as it is not health enhancing and it is health compromising. 

These people live in pleasure fantasies, world of feelings created due to pleasures, out of reality, out of natural living, unhealthy for body and mind, use of addictive substances (natural or man made), in a state of unhealthy brain, unhealthy mind. So, they are not correct. Anyone pushing you inside pleasures, feelings that emanate out of pleasures, living in those feelings, all the time in pleasure fantasies, forcing you to listen to him or her, forcing you to follow them are not correct. They are not true gurus. 

In general human beings want to be in the feeling of goodness out of pleasures. They want to remain in that mental state. They want to repeat the cognition (thoughts), affect (emotions or feelings) and behaviours that will give them pleasure, or keep them in that pleasure well, as it keeps them away from stresses, fears, unpleasantness etc but only temporarily and not permanently. They want to be around such people who live in that life, who motivate to live in that life, who support to live that life by giving all the things necessary. So, it appears to them that all philosophies of life told by such gurus are right. But it is not healthy and right. 

Anyone, whoever it may be, saying 'I am right. Just blindly follow me!' is not right. He is switching off your cognitive part of brain, reasoning part of brain, reality part, the ego and super ego components explained by Sigmund Freud and making you a goat, blind follower, brainless idiot, one who can not think and take decisions etc. So, he is not right...He is only poisoning you, killing you slowly and steadily!!

Such states of happiness, blissful state of wisdom, free mind states, can be achieved by following health enhancing life style also. In fact much better and higher states of wisdom,  stable, cool and calm minds, without any addictions, urges and cravings, without passing through the states of pleasures, without dwelling in the pleasure wells and pleasure domains, without using any natural or man made chemicals. By eating natural, organic, boiled, healthily cooked, fresh foods, sleeping between 10 pm to 5 am, doing yoga, doing aerobic and cardiac exercises, breathing exercises, laughing and other therapies, living in natural environs, reading books of positive health enhancing knowledge, with a set of health enhancing life philosophies, with high IQ, EQ and SQ, meditation etc. Such gurus will not force you to follow them. They will not force you into pleasures. They may not tell anything. They will just live their life and radiate good health, send positive vibrations around them. Others will just observe them and follow their life style. No adoring. No celebrating. No obsessions. No identity seeking behaviour of being his follower. You will simply do the same health enhancing things and get benefitted. You will also get such healthy feelings, thoughts, philosophies, clarity, wisdom etc. No confusion. No urges of anything. No cravings for anything. No pleasure fantasies. But healthy, natural, caring and supporting fantasies similar to fantasies of a small baby child who is acting like a mother to the imaginary children.  The feeling of goodness is happiness here. No pleasures. No phase of passing through pleasure. 

Hope you have got the clarity. Hope things are clear.

Peacefully yours...Rams...Psychologist!!

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"Sir, I am feeling too lonely at my home, inspite of everyone being around me. But all of them have far too many wants, needs and expectations from me that i am unable to satisfy them. I am feeling too stressed. Please help."

 Dear all,

One Question....One answer...

Qn. "Sir, I am feeling too lonely at my home, inspite of everyone being around me. But all of them have far too many wants, needs and expectations from me that i am unable to satisfy them. I am feeling too stressed. Please help."

Ans: I can only tell how to cope up with the situation and live peacefully. As others are not here for counselling.

We have sources of conditional love. We have sources of unconditional love. Almost all human beings are conditional. All the other trillions of organisms on earth are sources of unconditional love.

You should have more sources of unconditional love around you at home. So, have parrots, love birds, fishes, dogs, cats, cattle, lots of greenery, potted plants, feed grains to birds, spend time on gardening, spend more time with infants and children, fill the room walls with nature, keep many things inside the house that make you feel that you are living with nature, fantasize living with nature, love the potted plants, flowers, butterflies, beetles and strike relationship with them. Spend more time with these sources of unconditional love, caring for them, loving them, talking to them etc.

The significant people at home like mother, father, siblings etc may be partially unconditional. i.e between about 40% to 80%. Spend time accordingly with them in those domains you are compatible with them. Spend time on common interests and likes. Not in stressful domains of their wants, needs and expectations.

We ourselves are not able to meet our own plans of the day. We are not able to meet our own expectations. So, it is not possible to meet the expectations of everyone around us. Certainly not all the time. So, do your best without affecting your physical and mental health.

If you want to make others happy, you have to be happy first. A sad person cannot make others happy!!

First keep yourself healthy. Here people are not bothered about being physically and mentally unhealthy. It is a culture here. So, protect your body and mind. And do whatever possible to others, without stressing your body metabolism and brain.

Peacefully yours...rams...Psychologist!!

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Sir, I am feeling too lonely at my home, inspite of everyone being around me. But all of them have far too many wants and needs i am unable to satisfy!!'

Dear all,

One Question....One answer...

Qn. "Sir, I am feeling too lonely at my home, inspite of everyone being around me. But all of them have far too many wants, needs and expectations from me that i am unable to satisfy them. I am feeling too stressed. Please help."

Ans: I can only tell how to cope up with the situation and live peacefully. As others are not here for counselling.

We have sources of conditional love. We have sources of unconditional love. Almost all human beings are conditional. All the other trillions of organisms on earth are sources of unconditional love.

You should have more sources of unconditional love around you at home. So, have parrots, love birds, fishes, dogs, cats, cattle, lots of greenery, potted plants, feed grains to birds, spend time on gardening, spend more time with infants and children, fill the room walls with nature, keep many things inside the house that make you feel that you are living with nature, fantasize living with nature, love the potted plants, flowers, butterflies, beetles and strike relationship with them. Spend more time with these sources of unconditional love, caring for them, loving them, talking to them etc.

The significant people at home like mother, father, siblings etc may be partially unconditional. i.e between about 40% to 80%. Spend time accordingly with them in those domains you are compatible with them. Spend time on common interests and likes. Not in stressful domains of their wants, needs and expectations.

We ourselves are not able to meet our own plans of the day. We are not able to meet our own expectations. So, it is not possible to meet the expectations of everyone around us. Certainly not all the time. So, do your best without affecting your physical and mental health.

If you want to make others happy, you have to be happy first. A sad person cannot make others happy!!

First keep yourself healthy. Here people are not bothered about being physically and mentally unhealthy. It is a culture here. So, protect your body and mind. And do whatever possible to others, without stressing your body metabolism and brain.

Peacefully yours...rams...Psychologist!!

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"Sir, My husband was soooooooo caring all these years and now he said "I can't live with you anymore!...I will leave you anytime!"...I am totally shattered!!"

 Dear all,

One Question...One Answer....

Qn. "Sir, My husband was soooooooo caring all these years and now he said "I can't live with you anymore!...I will leave you anytime!"...I am totally shattered!!"....

Ans: We need to understand certain philosophies of relationships...

1. Any relationship can break anytime totally, partially or mentally or physically or socially; No relationship is assured for lifetime.

(as most of the relationships here are created by others around us or by us for selfish needs and support from others. Only true unconditional caring and supporting from both the people if exists, the relationship between the two can last for life time which is rare!!)

2. Animals are not possessive about their mates as they are not dependent upon their mates for their body needs for life time (security needs). They also don't indulge in reproductive acts for recreation or fun or pleasure but only for the nature driven instinct of procreation. So, they don't look for one specific mate. They just indulge without any conscious strategy, but nature driven mating skills, with the nearest mate. They don't have a complex brain, complex mind and can not think a lot like humans resulting in lots of fear and insecurity. They have a simple brain and instinctive mind for survival and reproduction. They don't have security need issues based on (i.e life long needs, wants and desires from one person) social status, social security, legal issues, financial complications, physical security, mental security etc. Another best thing is they don't talk, they only show their love and caring through their behaviours. But we talk a lot and know a lot to hurt others naturally, due to our 'hurt'y culture. We can abuse easily without any effort. Animals can not show negatives through body gestures and facial expressions. We can. They don't work and do not have professional and career aspirations, knowledge and skill development, demands of experience, being up-to-date and such other bla bla of life and related stresses!!

3. As the human possessiveness is only for his or her own body needs, it vanishes or reduces in many cases once he or she perceives to have got an alternative life time partner with all kinds of securities explained above. 

4. Every stage in life has the aging and related physical, mental and social issues. We need to know these issues, causes and remedies / coping skills or avoidance, before we enter that phase or stage of the life. So that we can handle it better. We think wrongly that only adolescence has 'age' related issues. i.e hormone related. Whereas non sexual issues of fear of life, loss of money, wealth and other possessions as we start getting diseases and disorders, face declining career progression, feel aging  and fear of insecurity etc are also age related issues. Between 40 to 60 these are the major issues that cause all kinds of abuses, shouts, frustrations, inabilities which lead to break in relationship physically or mentally. If we know the characteristics, challenges related to each phase of life and how to handle them, then life becomes jingalala. All these are available in Life Span psychology or Developmental Psychology text books. 

5. We are bound to get attracted to anyone from whom we perceive true unconditional caring and supporting or peace of mind. As this kind of love is divine and godly, we tend to perceive those people as God or Divine. We also have tendencies to get attracted to others or get aroused with others for physical or mental or fantasy or variety needs. 

Many husband and wives are not able to hug and kiss their better halves whom they loved the most once upon a time, due to these hurting and abusing words. But in our houses we are not taught to be kind with words. Parents use all kinds of harsh, hurting and abusive words amongst themselves and on on others around. And so we get spouses who are worse with words. We are so vulnerable with our partner - and whatever harshness they show affect us so much. And our partner also unleashes his or her worst on us as if he / she can get away with it. So after years and years, and once all hormones fade away, this creates a divide.

Some partners are so devoted to their relationship and spouse, but with words only they are horrible. Some understand this and carryon. Some are not able to. Some realise that it is because their own inability or understanding the good side of the partner and it is only due to their own usage of abusive words due to frustrations of non satiation of needs or hormonal issues from the spouse. 

Workaholic and loving spouses are better than sexaholic partners.

Some take it as their karma. Meaning they have got back what they gave. Some feel guilty. Some are unable to come out of the hurt. Some are unable to come out of the guilt. Many think they are perfect and only their partner is wrong.  Many are not able to go past the hurt of harsh words spoken by their spouse. Some suffer. Some give up their desire. Some are grateful for what they have and try to manage to live peacefully. Some make peace with their sadness. So, everyone applies all kinds of coping skills or defence mechanisms and survive, as they can not end their life. If we know all those at para 4 above, have high emotional intelligence, then we can easily manage to avoid the above complications in life and relationships. 

So, the crux is...

1. You know what you have done, as you are saying that he was sooooooooooooo caring earlier. If you have not done any harm, then understand his issues, sit with him, talk patiently, see how you can heal him and make him feel better, de-stressed etc. I do understand your body, mind, social and professional issues. But both have to understand, overcome your issues and put that step forward to the other person to keep the relationship intact and without strain and stress. 

2. He would not have meant what he said. Probably it was an outburst of his stresses including that he is unable to fulfill his duties and responsibilities towards you, as in the past, as he is also aging and facing lots of physical, mental, social and professional challenges. 

All the best.

Peacefully yours...rams...Psychologist. 

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