Dear all,
One Question...One Answer....
Qn. "Sir, My husband was soooooooo caring all these years and now he said "I can't live with you anymore!...I will leave you anytime!"...I am totally shattered!!"....
Ans: We need to understand certain philosophies of relationships...
1. Any relationship can break anytime totally, partially or mentally or physically or socially; No relationship is assured for lifetime.
(as most of the relationships here are created by others around us or by us for selfish needs and support from others. Only true unconditional caring and supporting from both the people if exists, the relationship between the two can last for life time which is rare!!)
2. Animals are not possessive about their mates as they are not dependent upon their mates for their body needs for life time (security needs). They also don't indulge in reproductive acts for recreation or fun or pleasure but only for the nature driven instinct of procreation. So, they don't look for one specific mate. They just indulge without any conscious strategy, but nature driven mating skills, with the nearest mate. They don't have a complex brain, complex mind and can not think a lot like humans resulting in lots of fear and insecurity. They have a simple brain and instinctive mind for survival and reproduction. They don't have security need issues based on (i.e life long needs, wants and desires from one person) social status, social security, legal issues, financial complications, physical security, mental security etc. Another best thing is they don't talk, they only show their love and caring through their behaviours. But we talk a lot and know a lot to hurt others naturally, due to our 'hurt'y culture. We can abuse easily without any effort. Animals can not show negatives through body gestures and facial expressions. We can. They don't work and do not have professional and career aspirations, knowledge and skill development, demands of experience, being up-to-date and such other bla bla of life and related stresses!!
3. As the human possessiveness is only for his or her own body needs, it vanishes or reduces in many cases once he or she perceives to have got an alternative life time partner with all kinds of securities explained above.
4. Every stage in life has the aging and related physical, mental and social issues. We need to know these issues, causes and remedies / coping skills or avoidance, before we enter that phase or stage of the life. So that we can handle it better. We think wrongly that only adolescence has 'age' related issues. i.e hormone related. Whereas non sexual issues of fear of life, loss of money, wealth and other possessions as we start getting diseases and disorders, face declining career progression, feel aging and fear of insecurity etc are also age related issues. Between 40 to 60 these are the major issues that cause all kinds of abuses, shouts, frustrations, inabilities which lead to break in relationship physically or mentally. If we know the characteristics, challenges related to each phase of life and how to handle them, then life becomes jingalala. All these are available in Life Span psychology or Developmental Psychology text books.
5. We are bound to get attracted to anyone from whom we perceive true unconditional caring and supporting or peace of mind. As this kind of love is divine and godly, we tend to perceive those people as God or Divine. We also have tendencies to get attracted to others or get aroused with others for physical or mental or fantasy or variety needs.
Many husband and wives are not able to hug and kiss their better halves whom they loved the most once upon a time, due to these hurting and abusing words. But in our houses we are not taught to be kind with words. Parents use all kinds of harsh, hurting and abusive words amongst themselves and on on others around. And so we get spouses who are worse with words. We are so vulnerable with our partner - and whatever harshness they show affect us so much. And our partner also unleashes his or her worst on us as if he / she can get away with it. So after years and years, and once all hormones fade away, this creates a divide.
Some partners are so devoted to their relationship and spouse, but with words only they are horrible. Some understand this and carryon. Some are not able to. Some realise that it is because their own inability or understanding the good side of the partner and it is only due to their own usage of abusive words due to frustrations of non satiation of needs or hormonal issues from the spouse.
Workaholic and loving spouses are better than sexaholic partners.
Some take it as their karma. Meaning they have got back what they gave. Some feel guilty. Some are unable to come out of the hurt. Some are unable to come out of the guilt. Many think they are perfect and only their partner is wrong. Many are not able to go past the hurt of harsh words spoken by their spouse. Some suffer. Some give up their desire. Some are grateful for what they have and try to manage to live peacefully. Some make peace with their sadness. So, everyone applies all kinds of coping skills or defence mechanisms and survive, as they can not end their life. If we know all those at para 4 above, have high emotional intelligence, then we can easily manage to avoid the above complications in life and relationships.
So, the crux is...
1. You know what you have done, as you are saying that he was sooooooooooooo caring earlier. If you have not done any harm, then understand his issues, sit with him, talk patiently, see how you can heal him and make him feel better, de-stressed etc. I do understand your body, mind, social and professional issues. But both have to understand, overcome your issues and put that step forward to the other person to keep the relationship intact and without strain and stress.
2. He would not have meant what he said. Probably it was an outburst of his stresses including that he is unable to fulfill his duties and responsibilities towards you, as in the past, as he is also aging and facing lots of physical, mental, social and professional challenges.
All the best.
Peacefully yours...rams...Psychologist.
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