"Sir, my wife went to an ashram for a visit and thereafter is not coming back home...she is refusing to come...she has become a permanent disciple there...something they have done to her there!!...what should i do now?"

 Dear all, 

One question...One answer....

Qn. "Sir, my wife went to an ashram for a visit and thereafter is not coming back home...she is refusing to come...she has become a permanent disciple there...something they have done to her there!!...what should i do now?"

Ans: Many husbands and few wives have this complaint against ashrams and swamijis. Many parents also have such a complaint against these places and people saying they have hypnotized their children and attracted the innocents towards them and their ashrams. They also give a big list of complaints. 

Many who are not affected also have a big list of abuses and complaints. 

I don't know what happens there or what they do.

But one aspect cannot be ruled out. 

Let us consider a person who is married (or a ward of a parent), physically healthy, mentally healthy and peaceful, socially healthy with good relationships with everyone at home, in organizations and with friends etc and lives a relatively stress free life. Let us also assume that she or he has a good and correct understanding about life, living, relationships etc with clarity that the individual lives a life where she or he is not dependent on others.  Let us assume that the individual has enough freedom to talk, think, behave, express emotions, and live the life as per her/his choice, dreams, likes, dislikes etc.

This may be an ideal condition. 

So, let us consider those who are in a state of mental health where they can manage all the stresses due to social dynamics at home with spouse, parents, friends etc with patience, tolerance and adaptability by stretching their boundaries a bit. 

If such an individual goes to such places, listens to the speeches of people over there, i don't think they will get obsessed with the places or principles of the leader or people over there or with the individuals.

Only when people are stressed beyond their potential and ability to manage the stability of their mental health, they feel threatened for their life, they feel scared, they feel that they have been totally destroyed from their inner self, they feel they don't have the freedom even a bit to talk or play or enjoy within their natural constructs, they feel that they are dying in a hell and all the people around are demons etc., they feel totally suffocated, feel slavery, prey that some one from heaven should come and save them, they keep preying to god to save them, they look for a place or person or group of people who can save them...a place that is full of peace, calmness, spirituality, natural air, clean water, healthy food, freedom to pursue their inner pursuits etc...when they find such a place, when they feel they have the security for their life, they feel they are closer to god, they feel that place is the heaven, then they don't want to leave that place...they get attracted and attached with the people over there...they get obsessed with the spiritual leader over there...whatever he or she says becomes the God's spell for them...the life philosophy preached becomes the holy book for that individual... 

Every individual is different....every individual is a designer human being with unique personality traits...there are few basic traits which that individual may not be able to change...for e.g the famous women politicians, women actors, women achievers, sports women, social activists etc are born with those traits...talents...potential...all these people cannot be controlled...they cannot be told 'This is not our culture. In our culture the ladies are to be housewives obeying to parents, in-laws and husband doing all the house hold jobs in addition to whatever they want to do. This kind of thinking and life will not work out in our family environment and relatives circles. You have to change!!'....either they will escape and run away from the family or commit suicide or will  get physically and mentally affected. Most of the celebrities or achievers or spiritual leaders etc belong to this variety. e.g Buddha who left the family in the night. They are Type A personalities who have to be accepted the way they are, allowed to pursue their life the way they want. They are partially or completely born for the society and humanity. Not for one family or few people!!

Not everyone runs away and remains in ashrams. There are many who are obsessed with the leader, followers and the preaching, but still they live a happy family life with their family members. This spirituality helps them to handle the stressful issues in their life and still remain at peace with everyone and everything. Some visit these places occasionally for a break, while they follow the life style preached by the leader. Like this we have all kinds of people who manage their life issues and stresses to remain stable, balanced, calm, cool, peaceful and mentally healthy.

So, the crux is...

1. Before blaming others, let us look at ourselves, ask if we are being a hurdle to others at home, whether our philosophies of life and living are making our lives and the life of others stressful, see how best we can help others at home to develop, grow, in knowledge, wisdom, skills etc., If parents, husbands and in-laws of all achievers felt that women are born to be only house wives, then we would not have had woman-achievers who made their parents, husbands and in-laws feel proud, who became role models for other women in the country etc.

2. If the people at home love them unconditionally and support to achieve their dreams, passions, goals, aims etc., then i am sure no one will leave that relationship and home.  

Peacefully yours...Rams....Psychologist!!