Why lovers, friends, spouses keep fighting with each other?

hai guns and roses!

how are we?

i think i should name the subject titles attractive like the previous one or the present one...discuss more on the subjects which affect all every day and every moment, so that they are read more, the same instant of receiving mails...with more hits on blog...of course, more hits on likes and dislikes!

in the previous mail, at the beginning itself i mentioned that 'we will discuss only those rapists who do it for sexual satisfaction'...we only examined the environment in which it happens...it was never to say that the rapists are right in their behaviour. This is a menace to be stopped without any doubt. Only thing is, the right steps need to be taken, taking the entire environment into consideration. One step of capital punishment to the rapist only may not be sufficient. Some more measures are also required.

the world has only 'parents' and 'children'. Every human being is either a parent or a child on this earth. All parents / care takers should groom their children with 'low urge behaviours' and teach them how to vent out their urges, and of course, with high ethics, moral values, respect and love for the other gender, looking at a girl as another human being and not as a 'sex object' or 'Wonderful Instrument For Entertainment (WIFE)' etc.

In olden days when the girls were kept inside the houses with out education, teaching them only about house hold activities (servant jobs) etc they were looked at only as a sex object. Now that they are out to gain knowledge, to take up jobs in all ranks, i think, this image will slowly change.

i think, rapes for sexual satisfaction also take place when they are drunk or under the control of addictive chemicals...when they are not under their control...when they turn to be animals...

all other types of rapes happen in a planned manner, with lots of thinking...so, capital punishments like hanging to death etc would be a good deterrent for such rapes and of course, the punishments are to be executed at the earliest.

ok guys and gals...let us jump to the new topic...why lovers, spouses, friends fight?

lovers, friends and spouses...all of them are in an emotional relationship...any relationship is for 'happiness'!...if there is no happiness between the two people involved, then there is no relationship...no happiness...only sorrows...only fights...only tears...may be no emotions too...for the society it might appear that they are in a relationship but in reality it is not so!...they are together but not 'living' together.

for happiness to exist, the 'needs' and 'wants' to be met. Every human being has 'needs and wants' and he or she wants it to be fulfilled by another human being. So, we have expectations, possessiveness. We want the other person to give the resource we look for (financial or physical or emotional etc). If possible, he or she gives. If not possible then we fight, shout, throw stones and chapels, break up the relationships etc. These days chapels are so costly that they can not be worn or thrown!!!

We also fight if the other person does not exhibit the desired behaviour.

If we understand the different phases of any emotional or romantic relationship, then we may not fight at all. Instead we might look at methods to make these phases pleasant. What are these phases?

When we are less than 10 years old, we are generally happy with the love and affection from parents. During this period the opposite gender looks 'beautiful'. We like seeing them. We want to see them. But no other change occurs in our body.

When the body matures and glands in the brain and body start functioning, we are not happy with the love and affection from parents only. We need an opposite gender to give something more. That more is not known to us at that time. We are unable to explain. We are attracted towards the opposite gender. That is all.

Is there any boy or girl in their teens who fall in love or romantic relationship with an old lady or old man?...No!...Nature ensures that we get attracted only to healthy and young mates so that the off springs are healthy.

PHASE I

they fall in love at 'first sight' with only young ones of opposite gender. So, physical attraction. They may not agree to it and say 'she is only a sister', 'she is only a friend', 'she wants only my assignment', 'i gave only my book'...in actuals they give their hearts and body!...if the interactions exist only at this level for ever then it can be taken as just a friendship or sister or brother kind of relationship. The problem is they are in the first phase of the romantic relationship which wants only interactions and so they call it that way as there is nothing more than that.

the first phase in a romantic relationship is always HAPPY. Our first level of requirements are met. So, we are happy in this phase. Provided the other person responds positively. If not then sorrow. We need to understand that we can not force the other person to like us the way we can not be forced by others to like them.  We also need to understand that there are sooooooooooooooo many beautiful girls or handsome boys waiting for us on this earth, and so we should not bother much and  leave them to look for the next. Clinging on them only results in more unhappiness, fights, bad health, failures in life in all other spheres of activities etc.

This first phase is all about approaches, information exchange, knowing each other well etc. First time when they meet and get attracted they start approaching each other. Telephone calls, sms, gifts, all types of helps and looking afters. Only happiness...happiness and happiness!!...even if one person is not calling or no sms etc sometimes, the other person gets upset for some time but it does not affect the relationship much as the curiosity of knowing each other, continuing the relationship etc keeps the issue going...

This happens in the case of all organisms. A cock calls the hen moment it finds the insect saying 'kok..kok..kokk!'. The hen happily runs and eats the insect. The cock 'jumps' on it or feels happy that its approach is successful. If the cock's secretions are not towards romance then it just sits alone in some corner, not bothered about the hen, its hunger, sickness etc.

are the two people happy about the relationship only with these for ever?...no!...after some time they want MORE!!!...in the form of more physical meeting, talks, emotional feelings, exchanges etc.

PHASE II

This is the phase they start feeling SADNESS, as one is not able to meet the needs of the other all the time due to many reasons. The other person does not accept the reasons as the needs are at the peak and does not want to put himself or herself in the shoes of the other and think. When they meet, they are supposed to be happy. But there too they fight 'why late?...you have no love for me!...you are not allocating top priority for me!...you give importance to all others and not for me!' etc...

they also find fault with the behaviours of the other person...as the other person has become POSSESSIVE now and the EXPECTATIONS have started and growing too...

so, second phase is full of expectations and possessiveness...so, it has happy moments and sad moments...depending upon the extent of expectations, possessiveness, the extent to which the other person is able to meet these demands, the endurance of the people to withstand their unmet needs and wants, either the relationship continues or breaks...

some times they shout out of anger, loose their words and reach the brink of losing the relationship...some times lost too...if the damages are repairable, then relationship gets formed again after a period of lull ('nee thaane yen pon vasantham' movie)...if the damages are not repairable then it is lost for ever...then the one who shouted or lost his or her cool repents for life.

time.

in this phase if the needs and wants are of low level, then the perceived losses are forgotten...if little high then the individual feels sad...if needs are high then the FRUSTRATION sets in...

so, at the later stage of phase II it is more of sadness and frustration...

PHASE III

in this stage they are not happy in just sms, tel calls, gifts, meeting, talks, etc...they become only necessary conditions...and not SUFFICIENT CONDITIONS to feel happy!...more is expected...

in the form of physical touches, kisses, hugs etc. If these things are not available then again fights, sadness, all sorts of dialogues like 'you don't trust me!'...'you are only interested in my body!...you don't see me as a human being!...you remember me only when you are 'high'!' etc...

in this phase the boy generally does not have any 'No's...only the girl has 'No's...so, depending on the endurance of the boy or the way he has perceived the relationship i.e 'a relationship maturing to be a life long one as husband and wife' or 'a need of the hour' relationship, it either ends or continues...if the girl gives up and bends to the boy (for the fear of losing the relationship or meeting her needs too) then the relationship continues...

so, here also the it is more of FRUSTRATION (no sadness...only frustration as now the need levels are high) and fights.

PHASE IV

in this stage all the above are only necessary conditions for the relationship to exist and not a sufficient condition...phase iv involves mating. The need never stops with 'one time' as it is a never ending need till the death of the body. In some cases the boy or the girl runs away after the first instance. In some cases it goes on for some more time till reasons like physical separation, marriage or pregnancy or fight between families or legal or social actions etc take place.

In some cases they get married and start living together.

PHASE V

even after the marriage the issue does not stop...all the above becomes only a necessary condition and not sufficient condition for the relationship to go on. Now nature drives them to variety. Variety in all aspects of physical or romantic relationship...in INITIATION...in 'catching up the fire'...in sexual acts etc...

Alas!...if variety is not there then the relationship ends temporarily or permanently either at the mental level or at the physical level...

this phase also has HAPPINESS or FRUSTRATION...

PHASE VI

by this time, if the relationship still sustains, then the need and want levels are low...as they have already reached their fifties or sixties or states of low physical need i.e body has lost its reproductive status and so the secretions in brain and other hormone secreting glands are tired (of over work and aging) and sleeping()...ie similar to PHASE II...i.e if one is not sexually inclined then the other feels little sad, but by now has learnt to divert his attention on something else...as the physical needs are not soo high, he or she does not land up in frustration...he or she is happy with only hugs, kisses or little touches here and there...even holding hands is enough...or even 'looks of love' or even with some acts showing 'i love you!'...

so, the crux is...

1. all attractions towards opposite gender is towards sex, if the need for the next phase is felt. If both feel the need for the next phase is not there, then it is only for friendship and not for a romantic relationship or marriage relationship. Pure friendship can also exist between opposite genders for life time. Friendship is the basic necessary condition for a life long relationship to exist in side marriage or outside marriage. Sex could be only reason or one among the reasons in a romantic relationship.

2. increasing need levels, increasing sadness, increasing frustration shows that the relationship is moving towards sex, possessiveness and expectations. It depends on both whether to yield or not. It has the danger of legal and social  issues throughout life. Most of the time the reason for frustration can not be figured out by both. They will keep blaming each other on some trivial issues or silly issues which they will understand as silly only after some time and not when they are burning with body needs, possessiveness or expectations.

3. every emotional relationship has all these phases, whether married or unmarried, between lovers or friends or spouses. We need to identify which phase are we in. We need to understand the characteristics of each phase. We need to accept these, under stand the difficulties of other person, this is the place where the 'empathy' 'maturity', emotional intelligence etc play key roles in keeping the relationship going, whether married or unmarried.

4. one should try to find out methods of keeping the other person satisfied or understood by educating (of course, when he or she is cool, i.e the physical needs are low) him or her on the issues of empathy, emotional intelligence, being matured etc or alternate methods of keeping away from physical needs or regulating physical needs...or change in life styles needed...as i have explained in other mails...

5. both the people should view the other person as kids at high frustration levels, and keep them cool only through love. Shouting or showing anger or using words which are not retrievable will only strain and break the relationship. Love is the only medicine for love related sicknesses. If not curable, then the other person is only looking for sex, an animal, and nothing more...not worth continuing the relationship.

6. if sex is the only need in a relationship, it will not lost long. It can not give happiness in a relationship.

woffff...again, the mail has become too long...and there fore, we say bye bye to this issue and kiss it again with more information later...

Do you feel the time spent in reading the mail is worth it?

keep rocking...bye...

rams