Hai
all...a long post...but certainly VERY USEFUL FOR PARENTS AND COLLEGE
STUDENTS...I brought out this hear as there are many college girls and
boys in such a situation. Parents do not know what to do. Students do
not know what to do!!...That is why.
Some time back I had been to Mumbai to my friend’s house…during talks It seemed that his wife is in some trouble…asked what happened…she said ‘I am the hostel warden of our engg college. One girl fled off the hostel when her boy friend did not pick up the phone, to a place 400 kms off!!...we contacted and the honest good boy brought her back safely in few hours…she behaves like a mad and violent…father who lives abroad has come…both the princi and admin have tried their best whole day counseling her…but no use…both dad and daughter have gone to two doctors at the nearby best hospitals…as she was violent there too they have sent her with some medicines as the girl and dad were not agreeing for admission…she is all out to kill herself…in her life she has already attempted suicide about 20 times…her hands and body are full of suicide marks…looks like she has been abused from childhood…
but outstandingly brilliant…never goes to class due to her illnesses but maintains 86%...no arrears…got seat through merit with lowest fees…no other disciplinary issue…looks like her parents are separated and living with different people…the third senior doctor after evaluation has separately called the accompanying teacher and told ‘she is going to kill herself shortly. Nothing can be done. Please discharge from college and handover to parents! Else college name will get spoiled!!’…so, we don’t know what to do!!’…I could understand her problem!!
My friend does not know about my qualifications and that I can give counseling too…I asked her,’where she is now?’…she said ‘at hostel with her father!’…I told her ‘I want to meet that girl and father. As nothing has worked out let me give it a try as the last resort!!’…she was hesitant but agreed as there was no other solution in front.
We both went to the college and both of them came…her friends came…other professors were also there…I just looked around and selected the glass walled lab nearby so that others can see what is happening inside…said ‘only that girl to come inside and no one!’…she came…told her to sit on the chair in front…me on a chair other side of the table between us…I was all cool with a smiling face…she was all thin (understand she does not eat for days if he does not call or pick the telephone!!) grim, tired of crying and violent behaviours, walking etc, hair not combed.
I asked her ‘what happened maa, tell me!’…with a soft caring voice.
she drilled me with her looks and asked point blank ‘Tell me sir, is it wrong to fall in love?’…she almost shouted!!
I was all cool and said ‘Oh no! Not at all! Perception of love from all around is the basic for all human beings from cradle to grave and no one can live without that!..Who said it is wrong? Foolishness!!
I could see some change in her looks and she said violently pointing at people outside “All these people!! The doctors, the princi, the admin all these people!!’
I told her ‘See, they are all enjoying their love with their wives, husbands and children. So, they don’t know the value of love. Only when they miss it they will know!’. Hearing this her face went all happiness…a total change…’yesss sir! See, you know this!! But these people don’t know! Those stupid doctors were idiots sir! All shouting at me saying I am wrong!!’ …I could see the anger on her face!!....she continued ‘sir, you know how painful it is when he does not call me or attend to my call! It is killllling sir!!’…tears rolled from her eyes. I was feeling bad for that girl that no one understands her problem.
I asked ‘You want to speak to him now!’
She replied at once with all glow on her face “Yessssssssss sir!! I have not spoken to him last two days!! These people did not allow me (sooo much of anger and frustration I could see!!)!!”…
I took the phone number from her and connected him to her. She was too happy and spoke with all tears and kisses. I also told him to keep in touch with her every day and ensure that she is stable with his love and affection, attend to her calls or at least message that he is unable to attend.
I told her that she should not run away like this and should contact me immediately if she feels any pain in her mind compelling her to do anything dangerous or out of the rules of college and society. She felt confident, happy, with all glow in her eyes and repeatedly asked me ‘sir, will I get him in my life?..because he is from a different religion which is not liked by my father!’…I assured her and said ‘no one and nothing can stop you in getting him! I am there with you, don’t worry!’. She said ‘Thhhhhhhhhank you soooo much sir!..i wish you were my father!!’… I could see tears in her eyes…
I asked her about her aim in life. She said ‘to become an IAS officer’. She has scored 93% in CBSE in 10th and 96% in 12th and during both exams she has attempted serious suicide attempts and survived, and wrote exams straight going from ICU!!...i just told her, ‘you finish IAS and become a collector, your father, in-laws, everyone will fall flat at your feet!!’…she was looking at eternity…there was a glow in her face…eyes were soooo powerful…suddenly she said ‘sir, but one thing, if I am not getting him then I don’t want IAS also…I justtttttttttttttttttttt want him….nothing on this earth!!’…I could see her determination and depth…then asked lots of questions and she was talking so friendly and with a smiling face…as if she knew me for many years…I could also make out that it was NOT the sexual need that is driving her, it is just the need for ‘I am there for you, don’t worry!’ factor…
after some time I asked her ‘If you die what will happen to him?... what will happen to all the sacrifices you have done so far to get him?...all will go waste, is it not?...so, you should be alive to enjoy life with him, is it not?’…she said ‘yes, sir, you are right!’…I could see some determination in her…I just told her ‘don’t worry about all these people…you continue talking and loving…but don’t call him here and you also don’t go there…no physical…do well in your studies…your focus should be to finish this course and become an IAS faster...so never attempt suicides again, ok!!...‘will you commit suicide again?...she looked at eternity and said ‘No sir!..No way!..i am confident now…as you are there with me!!’…
then I told her, ‘ok, you go out and tell all of them that you will not attempt suicide, you will not run away from hostel, you will be a good student and they need not worry!’…she thanked me, agreed at once and walked like a confident warrior with all happiness!!!...went out, promised them the same thing and started walking with her father.
All those outside were surprised and asked me ‘sir, whaaavv!! what magic you did!!!...did you know her earlier?...she was soooo friendly with you!...what happened inside sir?’…I just told them ‘I just gave a patient hearing to her and spoke to her like a human being!...that is all!’…they said ‘unbelievable sir!’ etc…
the message went to princi and others…they were all too happy…I requested them not to throw her out of college and hostel at any cost and she will do well…she took medicine for some days…used to call me almost every day…I told her to do few physical and mental health exercises and healing socialization methods…she did…the frequency of phone calls reduced…of course, she got suicide feelings many times after wards also…but all averted with suitable suggestions same time which she did…now her health has improved a lot…very cheerful…friendly to all…continues her love with him…calls me once in a month or so to just tell me with all josh that she is perfectly fine…!!! (of course, I had to counsel her teachers, father and princi too so that they are cooperative)
My concept in this case is…..1. I have to save her from suicide that day 2. I have to first bring her out of this low neurotransmitter secretion situation by telling her to eat the tablets regularly…3. First she should get confidence in me that I can help her 4. Once she eats medicines, does some physical, mental and social exercises then her brain and mind will become healthy…she will be able to come out of fantasies and think realistically…then she will be able to decide what is best for her…after few years…if the boy waits for few years, if his love is genuine she will marry him and live happily…else either he will leave or she will leave him…and during this time I can make her spiritual so that she will go to different domain and know what is happening in her body and mind, what is life etc….and able to withstand any emotional situation in life…
so…the crux is…
1. Showing Love and affection, patient hearing are the healer medicines for all problems of human beings.
2. There is nothing right or wrong. It depends on the people concerned.
3. Counseling is not teaching what is right and what is wrong. It is making them peaceful, happy and healthy within their domain. Helping them to feel confident, great, peaceful and happy.
4. When a person is suffering mentally, talking logic will not work out. Only after taking medicine they will become clear. Sometimes they might feel ‘Oh shit! Did I talk like that?...did I do that?..how silly I was!!’ when they are able to think with clarity with clear mind.
5. Shouting, beating like in films only will bring negative effects. Suggesting and advising also will not help. They will not listen as they are not mentally in a position to accept.
peacefully yours...rams...health psychologist
some comments from others...
Some time back I had been to Mumbai to my friend’s house…during talks It seemed that his wife is in some trouble…asked what happened…she said ‘I am the hostel warden of our engg college. One girl fled off the hostel when her boy friend did not pick up the phone, to a place 400 kms off!!...we contacted and the honest good boy brought her back safely in few hours…she behaves like a mad and violent…father who lives abroad has come…both the princi and admin have tried their best whole day counseling her…but no use…both dad and daughter have gone to two doctors at the nearby best hospitals…as she was violent there too they have sent her with some medicines as the girl and dad were not agreeing for admission…she is all out to kill herself…in her life she has already attempted suicide about 20 times…her hands and body are full of suicide marks…looks like she has been abused from childhood…
but outstandingly brilliant…never goes to class due to her illnesses but maintains 86%...no arrears…got seat through merit with lowest fees…no other disciplinary issue…looks like her parents are separated and living with different people…the third senior doctor after evaluation has separately called the accompanying teacher and told ‘she is going to kill herself shortly. Nothing can be done. Please discharge from college and handover to parents! Else college name will get spoiled!!’…so, we don’t know what to do!!’…I could understand her problem!!
My friend does not know about my qualifications and that I can give counseling too…I asked her,’where she is now?’…she said ‘at hostel with her father!’…I told her ‘I want to meet that girl and father. As nothing has worked out let me give it a try as the last resort!!’…she was hesitant but agreed as there was no other solution in front.
We both went to the college and both of them came…her friends came…other professors were also there…I just looked around and selected the glass walled lab nearby so that others can see what is happening inside…said ‘only that girl to come inside and no one!’…she came…told her to sit on the chair in front…me on a chair other side of the table between us…I was all cool with a smiling face…she was all thin (understand she does not eat for days if he does not call or pick the telephone!!) grim, tired of crying and violent behaviours, walking etc, hair not combed.
I asked her ‘what happened maa, tell me!’…with a soft caring voice.
she drilled me with her looks and asked point blank ‘Tell me sir, is it wrong to fall in love?’…she almost shouted!!
I was all cool and said ‘Oh no! Not at all! Perception of love from all around is the basic for all human beings from cradle to grave and no one can live without that!..Who said it is wrong? Foolishness!!
I could see some change in her looks and she said violently pointing at people outside “All these people!! The doctors, the princi, the admin all these people!!’
I told her ‘See, they are all enjoying their love with their wives, husbands and children. So, they don’t know the value of love. Only when they miss it they will know!’. Hearing this her face went all happiness…a total change…’yesss sir! See, you know this!! But these people don’t know! Those stupid doctors were idiots sir! All shouting at me saying I am wrong!!’ …I could see the anger on her face!!....she continued ‘sir, you know how painful it is when he does not call me or attend to my call! It is killllling sir!!’…tears rolled from her eyes. I was feeling bad for that girl that no one understands her problem.
I asked ‘You want to speak to him now!’
She replied at once with all glow on her face “Yessssssssss sir!! I have not spoken to him last two days!! These people did not allow me (sooo much of anger and frustration I could see!!)!!”…
I took the phone number from her and connected him to her. She was too happy and spoke with all tears and kisses. I also told him to keep in touch with her every day and ensure that she is stable with his love and affection, attend to her calls or at least message that he is unable to attend.
I told her that she should not run away like this and should contact me immediately if she feels any pain in her mind compelling her to do anything dangerous or out of the rules of college and society. She felt confident, happy, with all glow in her eyes and repeatedly asked me ‘sir, will I get him in my life?..because he is from a different religion which is not liked by my father!’…I assured her and said ‘no one and nothing can stop you in getting him! I am there with you, don’t worry!’. She said ‘Thhhhhhhhhank you soooo much sir!..i wish you were my father!!’… I could see tears in her eyes…
I asked her about her aim in life. She said ‘to become an IAS officer’. She has scored 93% in CBSE in 10th and 96% in 12th and during both exams she has attempted serious suicide attempts and survived, and wrote exams straight going from ICU!!...i just told her, ‘you finish IAS and become a collector, your father, in-laws, everyone will fall flat at your feet!!’…she was looking at eternity…there was a glow in her face…eyes were soooo powerful…suddenly she said ‘sir, but one thing, if I am not getting him then I don’t want IAS also…I justtttttttttttttttttttt want him….nothing on this earth!!’…I could see her determination and depth…then asked lots of questions and she was talking so friendly and with a smiling face…as if she knew me for many years…I could also make out that it was NOT the sexual need that is driving her, it is just the need for ‘I am there for you, don’t worry!’ factor…
after some time I asked her ‘If you die what will happen to him?... what will happen to all the sacrifices you have done so far to get him?...all will go waste, is it not?...so, you should be alive to enjoy life with him, is it not?’…she said ‘yes, sir, you are right!’…I could see some determination in her…I just told her ‘don’t worry about all these people…you continue talking and loving…but don’t call him here and you also don’t go there…no physical…do well in your studies…your focus should be to finish this course and become an IAS faster...so never attempt suicides again, ok!!...‘will you commit suicide again?...she looked at eternity and said ‘No sir!..No way!..i am confident now…as you are there with me!!’…
then I told her, ‘ok, you go out and tell all of them that you will not attempt suicide, you will not run away from hostel, you will be a good student and they need not worry!’…she thanked me, agreed at once and walked like a confident warrior with all happiness!!!...went out, promised them the same thing and started walking with her father.
All those outside were surprised and asked me ‘sir, whaaavv!! what magic you did!!!...did you know her earlier?...she was soooo friendly with you!...what happened inside sir?’…I just told them ‘I just gave a patient hearing to her and spoke to her like a human being!...that is all!’…they said ‘unbelievable sir!’ etc…
the message went to princi and others…they were all too happy…I requested them not to throw her out of college and hostel at any cost and she will do well…she took medicine for some days…used to call me almost every day…I told her to do few physical and mental health exercises and healing socialization methods…she did…the frequency of phone calls reduced…of course, she got suicide feelings many times after wards also…but all averted with suitable suggestions same time which she did…now her health has improved a lot…very cheerful…friendly to all…continues her love with him…calls me once in a month or so to just tell me with all josh that she is perfectly fine…!!! (of course, I had to counsel her teachers, father and princi too so that they are cooperative)
My concept in this case is…..1. I have to save her from suicide that day 2. I have to first bring her out of this low neurotransmitter secretion situation by telling her to eat the tablets regularly…3. First she should get confidence in me that I can help her 4. Once she eats medicines, does some physical, mental and social exercises then her brain and mind will become healthy…she will be able to come out of fantasies and think realistically…then she will be able to decide what is best for her…after few years…if the boy waits for few years, if his love is genuine she will marry him and live happily…else either he will leave or she will leave him…and during this time I can make her spiritual so that she will go to different domain and know what is happening in her body and mind, what is life etc….and able to withstand any emotional situation in life…
so…the crux is…
1. Showing Love and affection, patient hearing are the healer medicines for all problems of human beings.
2. There is nothing right or wrong. It depends on the people concerned.
3. Counseling is not teaching what is right and what is wrong. It is making them peaceful, happy and healthy within their domain. Helping them to feel confident, great, peaceful and happy.
4. When a person is suffering mentally, talking logic will not work out. Only after taking medicine they will become clear. Sometimes they might feel ‘Oh shit! Did I talk like that?...did I do that?..how silly I was!!’ when they are able to think with clarity with clear mind.
5. Shouting, beating like in films only will bring negative effects. Suggesting and advising also will not help. They will not listen as they are not mentally in a position to accept.
peacefully yours...rams...health psychologist
some comments from others...
- Suresh Balakrishnan BZ Rams.... Glad to see you doing well for others & following your star too in the process. Best wishes. May u continue to support the needy successfully.
- Gopika Radhakrishnan wonderful rams! truly commendable work! keep it up! all 5 crux points make 100% sense.
Ashok Nadar Excellent
work, Rams. There are lot of students like this , who waste their
academics just for love and care .They don't know which way to go. Why
don't you try giving counselling lectures to college students?
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