'Sir, my lover has ditched me!...I feel like killing myself!!'

Dear all...THIS IS FOR SCHOOL AND COLLEGE STUDENTS...OF COURSE, MARRIED TOO…

LOVE is an emotional process of caring for some one without expectations of even return-love!

The way we can not love anyone and every one, emotionally, when they love us, we also can not expect others to love us, just because we are loving them!...

Love can not be forced. It springs automatically on its own. If it springs in us towards some one, we can not expect the same feeling to emerge in the other person towards us. The way this feeling can not spring in us, because some one has this feeling towards us!

When we help others, we feel the other person should not assume that we are in love with that person. Similarly when others help us emotionally, we can not take the act for granted that this person is in love with me.

When we love some one, it is our own conscious or willful act. we are loving that other person because the act gives us a sense of happiness and contentment, because it is the way the Nature has created living organisms to sense a feeling of goodness and fulfillment when you love others. With only lust and pleasures one can not be physically and mentally healthy. So, caring for others gives the everlasting happiness, fulfillment, contentment and a meaning for our life and creates a purpose for our living...an interest to live...an expectation to live.

When we love some one, we perceive a RELATIONSHIP with that person. It is not the person and his relationship with us that should matter to us. When the other person also reciprocates the same kind of love then we perceive a 'feeling of acceptance' which certainly keeps us mentally healthy and completes our mental need with respect to that kind of relationship. But it is not always possible.

Also we love a person for our own happiness, need, emotional fulfillment etc. We only perceive an attraction, some commonality of interests, liking, intelligence or innocence etc. We only feel what we feel towards that person and it is we who establish or perceive what ever relationship we make. So, the ball totally rests in our laps to be happy or continue the relationship or break-up etc!...We can not blame the other person in anyway for our sadness or frustration or anger or any other negatives.

The person might have told all romantic words, promises or adoring etc. But all these are common when one is engulfed in romance, or physical intimacy or sex. All these words are part of foreplay and comes out from their fantasy minds and not from their conscious and reality minds.

Also every one grows, ages, matures, evolves in body and mind, and so the needs, wants, definition of happiness, love, living etc changes. Change of place, change of goals, ambitions, passion, change of climate, responsibilities, new people in life….all these change the person, his personality traits, beliefs….EVERYTHINGGGGGGGGGGG.

So, love and intensity of love also can change. After all it is some NEED or COMMONALITY or PLEASURE or HAPPINESS that attracts us to others or others to us. When there is a change in this, the love and its intensity also changes. No one goes to some one for gaining pain unless there is some pleasure, happiness or responsibility or feeling of love in it.

So, all these show that there is some issue in the mind, need in the mind or body or unstable mind that ‘wants’ something…adoring, or physical intimacy or pat at the back or appreciation or sex or mentoring-guiding-inspiring-motivating-supporting-helping to increase the self concept or self esteem or growth or good health or happiness or contentment or money or wealth or feeling of acceptance or feeling of service…or…or…the list is real longgg!!....When our brain is better and mind is strong we don’t need anyone, anything and we are on our own.

It is we who create a sense of believing or trust or hope on the other person depending upon our comforts, wants, needs and perception of safety and security. So, trust in a relationship is also with us only and not with the other person.
So, when everything in love is in our hands, the ball is in our court, blaming the other person is not at all correct. Causing harm or killing or throwing acid on other person for not loving or perception of cheating is also wrong and not correct.

So…the crux is…

1. Love is our responsibility and we are responsible for sadness or happiness or frustration or whatever feeling we feel because we are in love and we estabilish/perceive the relationship whatever we wanted or were longing for.

2. The other person is not at all responsible for break-up or sadness or frustration or loss of whatever.

3. Love or intensity of love of a person (whether ours or that of the other person) keeps changing.

4. Love or leave…all in your hands. You are the king or queen in the relationship you have made. You are not caged. You are a free bird. If you can not leave then you need medication and counselling. Even change of place, climate, surroundings/environment, people around, new challenges for survival and living, food we eat, life style, exercise regime, more oxygen to brain through any exercise with any name (pranayam, kriyas, kabalbhatti etc), feeling of acceptance from other people or pets or living organisms, passion, goal, appreciation, new happiness, new pleasures, new things that occupy our mind-body-creativity etc also can make our mind strong, cool, calm, better and make us to come out of the fantasy world, understand realities, forget the past (in fact laugh at the past) and leave a relationship both physically-mentally-socially.

5. Wherever there is an expectation or want or need, that love will suffer and can not lost life time.

6. Never make promises in love and never take words of love or romance uttered in fantasy moods to be serious. It only shows that the person is totally immersed and lost in pleasure/ecstasy or happiness and not in reality/consciousness.

Peacefully yours...keep rocking...rams...health psychologist!!