What makes Indian MARRIAGES and FAMILY LIVING painful, scary, complicated?....Part - II

Dear all...THIS IS FOR PRESENT AND FUTURE PARENTS...regarding marriage of children...Part - II....(Part - I is reproduced at the end for the benefit of those who have not read Part - I)

How they match the boy and the girl?

1. By horoscope match.
2. By physical appearance.

How they decide?

Those who give too much of importance to horoscope go by that. Those who give more importance to matches listed at Part - I compromise on horoscope.

Every one in the family and close relatives has his/her own agenda of ‘needs, wants and expectations’ of self in any marriage. There are too many stake holders who decide a match/marriage and the dynamics is complex.

What they believe in?...An AVERAGE Indian parent believes in the following with respect to MARRIAGES IN INDIA.

1. Once the families match, then marriage will be happy and successful.

2. Matching of/for parents of both sides is more important.

3. Every one born on this earth has to get married.

4. Somehow, even by telling lies, a match should be made and marriage should be conducted if they are ok with the other ‘party’.

5. Once marriage is done, all agreements and assurances can be changed and compromised (i.e between in-laws, between the boy and girl, between the in-laws and the boy/girl).

6. Sex, physical intimacy needs and children can keep a marriage going and make a marriage successful for entire life.

7. Birth of a child can change the dynamics of a family or relationships.

8. Marriage is (more of) ‘marriage of families, wealth, money, caste, religion, power, status, authority, relatives’.

9. Children are innocent, don’t know how to find a match for them, can get easily cheated and therefore the parents have to involve/interfere from beginning of marriage, after the marriage and to end of the life of children.

10. Lots of cheating is always there in any marriage and therefore one has to be smart and careful.

11. It is a sort of business and therefore ‘smart talks and moves’ are important to get the best deal and be a winner.

12. Children can be ‘explained’ ‘brainwashed’ ‘convinced’ ‘forced’ ‘changed after marriage’ ‘made to compromise and sacrifice’ if every one in family agrees and matches are satisfactory for them.

13. Strategies (to tackle people, events, relationships) are part and parcel and backbone of any marriage from the beginning to end.

14. The two people living in wedlock inside four walls without any ‘leakages’ is the meaning of successful marriage. Every one should praise the couple as ‘made-for-each other’ and parents for selecting and conducting the marriage in a grand manner.

15. Marriage life involves fights, difference in opinions and all sorts of negative surprises, unpredictable eventualities etc between the boy and girl and between the families. This is normal.

16. Customs, traditions, rituals, ceremonials, caste and religion etc are first and foremost in any marriage.

17. If a marriage fails, it is due to the children and in-laws.

18. Their life is entirely dependent on their children. They have given their wealth for the education and marriage of their children. So, the children have to look after the parents, fulfill the dreams of their parents and the siblings, the education, marriage and ritual financial needs of their siblings etc. This is the responsibility of the children towards the parents and family.

19. What ‘others’ say is more important and ‘what others say’ plays a key role in decisions of the parents, more than the words of their children and the thinking of their own.

20. ‘Marriage’ is the most important thing and nothing else is more important, highest priority in Indian way of living and in every Indian’s life and therefore, it forms the symbol and fulcrum of life, living, family, society, religion, culture, customs and traditions of the villages, cities, state and the country. Making money and wealth forms the next priority in life after marriage. Everything else like education, passion, goals, hobbies, to be an achiever, fame etc come after these two (at least for girls of this country).

21. All Indian movies are not about LOVE but about MARRIAGES.

22. Marriage is not just an event, but the prestige of a family, ‘izzat’ of the individual-family and the clan, a game changer of a family, a symbol of status and wealth of a family. Marriage is not just an important event between a boy and a girl but the most important life happening of many, a family, a village.

So, the crux is...

1. We have made (or In our culture) MARRIAGE and FAMILY as the most important social systems of our life and every day living.

2. MONEY and WEALTH making for MARRIAGE and FAMILY, for day-to-day living and status as the purpose of life.

3. BODY need satiation and meeting of MIND needs which are linked to body and cultural beliefs is the motto of life, living and relationships.

4. We have made them dependent on far too many people involving too many decisions, too many people to be satisfied with, too many things to be compromised and sacrificed with, occupying our prime years of youth, adulthood and life.

5. This complicated and inter/intra conflicting (contradicting) network or 'kichdi' issues have made our life after 20 too complicated, stressful, miserable and difficult. Marriages and family living have suffered due to the above.

More about Indian marriages and solutions will follow...

(Part I is below this...)

Peacefully yours....rams....Health Psychologist...

Dear all...THIS IS FOR ALL PARENTS...(people above 13 also can read to educate their parents)!!

As per the request of one of my friends, here are some posts related to the marriage...This is Part-I.

What is the biggest burden, responsibility and headache, pain, pleasure and happiness of an 'AVERAGE' Indian Parent?
MARRIAGE OF THEIR CHILDREN!!!

Producing and growing them up is enjoyed by them and therefore they enjoy this responsibility, though 'marriage' is at the back of their minds always. But irrespective of rich or poor or middle class family, marriage is considered as a big responsibility, pleasurable pain etc due to the anxieties and uncertainties involved.

Why it is a big burden for them? (especially for the parents having girl children)

Because they PERCEIVE the following...

1. It involves lots of money (expenditure in conduct of marriage, gold/ornaments, car, house hold items, house/flat, subsequent expenditure during festivals, child birth and other things given as dowry (unofficially) etc) so they feel they have to earn great money and wealth.

2. They have to find a matching FAMILY agreeable to all in the family and relatives. (match of religion, caste, sub-caste, horoscope, educational status, wealth status, financial status, power and authority in society, ego match, personality characteristics match, every one should talk good about them and their family (past and present), their relatives should be good and matching with their status, they should be able to visit their house/stay if required, family size and dependence of family members on the boy/girl for finances.

3. They have to find a boy who is highly educated, earning good salary, handsome and fair looking, and acceptable to their daughter etc within the several restrictions listed above (or an educated, homely, fair, beautiful looking, well employed and high earning girl).

4. Conducting the marriage involves lots of running around, talks, anxieties, expenditures etc.

5. From ‘deciding to find a match for their children’ to ‘settling down after the marriage’ takes years and involves anxiety moments full of stress and surprises, fear of unknown etc.

6. They unconsciously worry about their own life after the marriage after the expenditure, leaving of children from home etc.

7. The options/chances of finding a perfect match in all aspects is very less due to too many rules, regulations, restrictions they follow.

8. There are far too many decisions, far too many differences in opinions, far too many people to be convinced, managing finances....all these are too difficult, stressful, hopelessness, peace-happiness and health spoilers and therefore arranging and conducting a marriage is a herculean, life time task for them. But they feel it is their highest and most important responsibility and so suffer their entire life thinking about conducting marriage of their wards.

Hmmm...Can you see how complicated we have made this issue?...

Also we have made our individual and family life too complicated that we don't have peace. The reasons are...

1. Far too many people having equal importance, priority and decision making authority.
2. Far too many expectations, restrictions, rules and regulations.
3. One side becomes too greedy to exploit the other side.
4. Marriage is a sort of unwritten financial, emotional, social business deal.
5. We always plan it bigger than our stretchable limits.

More will follow...

Peacefully yours....rams....Health Psychologist