"Never waste your feelings on those who do not value them" (????)

Dear all...THIS IS FOR ALL THOSE IN EMOTIONAL RELATIONSHIPS.....

i read the following lines today in facebook...

"Never waste your feelings
on those who do not value them"

this condition occurs when the need states/relationships perceived do not match with the two people in relationship.

today every one comes across people every where...more on internet!!

they communicate/socialise with each other at school or college or social setting or office or some place where they meet regularly (bus stand/metro/road etc) or social networks or at some place in internet/cyberspace....and if there is some commonality of interests or personality traits or SOME COMMONALITY WHICH GIVES THEM PLEASURE OR HAPPINESS...and liking for each other...then SOME relationship is formed between them....

here comes the issue....

EACH ONE PERCEIVES THE RELATIONSHIP THAT THEY MISS IN THEIR LIFE WITH EMOTIONS, FEELINGS, CARING BEHAVIOURS RELEVANT TO THAT RELATIONSHIP.

if the relationship perceived by both are compatible to each other, then there is no problem...

If not compatible, then there is a serious problem!!!!

The biggest mistry is in many cases the person does not know what sort of a relationship it will mature into!...It all depends upon their needs, relationship dynamics etc.

Generally the girls are clear about their relationship with the other person. But boys are generally not clear on this (e.g they say 'sister' and later say 'lover').

Most of the adolescent relationships are FILMY LOVE. Filmy love assumes physical intimacies by default.

Films play a great role in educating almost every one in our culture/country as to WHAT IS LOVE!...Every one almost understands it as only AN EMOTIONAL RELATIONSHIP WHICH INVOLVES PHYSICAL INTIMACIES. It is an undefined relationship in text books, not taught or learnt formally, traditionally considered as an 'unacceptable social relationship' outside marriage-'dirty word' etc. Acceptable and liked by unmarried but generally not accepted and un-liked by parents. Enjoyed by all as an entertainment in movies but not accepted in real life. It is considered as a 'pleasure- tool'. Our culture believes that two unknown people can become lovers when they live together sharing their life and living processes at home.

Some films portray the boy sexually abusing/murdering the girl when she does not (filmy) love him. Many portray that boys do not consider the girls as equals with the same kind of aspirations, feelings, self respect, self esteem etc. As films generally portray the culture around, this is certainly not a healthy culture.

Every day several sexual crimes takes place in our country, due to one sided love, many do not get reported, those which are unavoidable get reported.

THESE ARE NOT LOVE. LOVE IS CARING. WHEN SOME ONE REALLY CARES, HE/SHE CAN NOT THINK OF CAUSING ANY HARM TO THE OTHER PERSON WHOM HE/SHE IS CARING. WHEN IT IS ONLY NEGATIVE OBSESSION, POSSESSIVENESS FOR LUST etc THEN THE PERSON CAN THINK OF CAUSING HARM.

Now, going back to the fb post...

"Never waste your feelings
on those who do not value them"

1. Everyone, especially the adolescents, need to know WHAT IS LOVE, clearly without any doubts.

2. Caring (love) without any physical intimacies or uncomfortable physical intimacies (for the other person) or causing any harm directly or indirectly will be acceptable to all. Such a love will remain alive for a longer time.

2. They need to learn the Life Cycle of Relationships and understand the dynamics in any relationship.

3. They need to keep their need states self-regulated, by keeping good physical and mental health by eating healthy balanced diet, sleeping properly, entertaining in a healthy manner, following a sustainable health regime, not to keep a sedentary life style so that their mind is strong, clear, not confused, not in high 'need states', balanced, able to think rationally-logically-with common sense etc.

4. When it is one sided (filmy) love, then it is better that the person in love leaves the relationship like a good friend/human being.

5. It is better to observe a person over a long time before even starting any acquaintance. Even if felt ok and went ahead with communication or sharing of personal information, it is important to monitor/be conscious of the dynamics of relationship, thoughts-feelings and behaviours of the other person, whether the relationship perceived by the other person is ok or not.

6. Never make any commitment and peel off in case it is not moving towards any state of discomfort in anyway. Never feel pity for the other person. Negative obsession is not love. In most of the cases, it is only a disorder needing treatment, but sadly people believe it to be true love, divine love etc and fall prey to a patient and cry for life or get ruined physically, mentally and socially.

7. Every one who is interested in the other person, 'cares' (loves) by Natural instinct or with conscious efforts (like in films, to make the other person to feel pity or fall in love etc) to attract the attention, to fall pity, to start the communication, to bring in proximity, to bring closeness (physically or mentally). If it is for LUST then such a person can not 'care' and endure the caring over many years in an environment of non-fulfillment of their need-satiation. But if a person really cares, then it will show up over many years, beyond needs, wants and expectations. So, wait for at least 7 to 10 years. PATIENCE IS IMPORTANT IN LOVE. TIME IS THE BEST SOLUTION FOR MANY ISSUES IN LOVE.

8. It is better to have only healthy friendships till 25 years of age and have fences and boundaries.

9. It is sad that Indian culture sees girls as only objects-of-pleasure and servants to service self and all at home. Therefore, it is important for girls to learn how to protect themselves.

10. It is wiser to fall in love with their passion, profession, ambitions, aims and goals in life, art forms, pets, Nature, their own self etc which makes them to think about only these and not about people around.

Keep rocking....Peacefully yours...Rams...Health Psychologist!!