Dear all...THIS IS FOR ALL...THOUGH IT IS A BIT LONG, BUT I ASSURE AN AWAKENING AND FANTASTIC FEELING WHILE READING EVERY WORD OF IT AND AFTER THE READ!!
THIS IS ABOUT THE ISSUES ON WHICH RELATIONSHIPS HANG.... TRUST?... TRUST??... TRUST???... BELIEVE?...HONESTY??...MOST OF THE ISSUES RELATED TO STRAINED OR BROKEN RELATIONSHIPS IS DUE TO BREACH OF TRUST OR HONESTY OR BELIEF.
Let us see some key words which are involved in our lives...
LUST...
It makes human beings to run behind money, wealth, comforts, body needs (food, water, air, sex and all physical contacts). It makes the individuals to show 'caring' (loving) behaviours called 'approaches' for satiation of their lust needs. Till the need exists, and satiation of lust is also achieved, the caring (Love) behaviours also exist. After the need goes off or the satiation of lust is stopped, caring (love) also stops. This is the story of 'Lust initiated Love' or caring.
When we say Lust we generally attribute it to sex. But it is all about PLEASURE needs. It includes the sources of all that give a 'feel good' factor for only some time and makes us to crave for them. When the sources are removed, then the 'pleasure' or 'feel good' factor is lost and we again 'crave' for it.
Lust is created by Nature, for satiation of body needs by self or through others. It is a basic survival need too. So, as long as the body exists, it will ask for food, water, air, basic body protection etc.
Physical contacts are a MUST for good mental health. They assure the mind that the person is not alone on earth, there is some one to take care off, there is some one to love them etc. This showers the neurotransmitters in brain and produces a very strong mind, healthy mind and balanced mind. It gives high self-concept, high self-esteem, courage to live and face the threats or challenges of life, Any amount of verbal or visual communication can not complete the perception of 'feeling of acceptance' needs. Without these the organism will undergo a 'feeling of rejection', will feel lonely, secretion of neurotransmitters will be less, mind will be weak, mind will not be balanced, the person will suffer depression and will finish the life. So, hugs, kisses and all types of physical contacts give reassurance for a person to live on this earth.
As long as a functional reproductive system exists in a body, it will ask or look or search or crave for the reproductive needs too. Human beings learn, be creative and sustain/repeat any behaviour that gives them 'pleasure'. While it disturbs their physical, mental and social health when the craving is more, it can be regulated by medicine, life style changes, coping skills etc.
When the lust ('id') needs are more, high, heavy craving, then the logical and reality thinking part of the brain gets switched off ('ego' and 'super ego'), the individual does not care about shame, future consequences etc and 'somehow' aims to achieve satiation of the lust needs. This results in crimes like theft, robbery, murders, sexual crimes etc and leads to legal and social issues.
LOVE...
It is all about 'caring' that gives the individual the 'feeling of acceptance' which is basic for good mental health as explained above. If love emanates from Lust then it will not last long.
If love emanates from the personality traits of an individual (intelligence, sense of humour, adaptability skills etc) then it lasts till the personality traits remain and the individual does not change. But all human beings change in their likes, dislikes, wants and needs, maturity, definition of life and living as they grow-age-evolve etc. Both genes (internal) and social systems (external) play equal role in this change. So, when the person changes, the personality traits change, the love is also lost.
But when a person starts liking and caring for an individual beyond the lust needs or personality traits....i.e 'i love this person...i care for this person for what he or she is irrespective of whether that person gives me a perception of happiness or pleasure...I JUST CARE FOR THIS PERSON IRRESPECTIVE OF HOW CRUEL OR BAD HE OR SHE IS...I DON'T KNOW WHY I LOVE THIS PERSON, BUT I JUST LOVE...THAT IS IT!!....it could be termed as obsession or disorder or madness....but as long as the individual is able to perform all the chores at home, office and social context, able to excel, able to keep peace, happiness, contentment, physical-mental-social well-being and remains in the self-actualisation path, then the LOVE is good for both and it remains till end of life.
Human beings have a tendency to secure or possess or hold-on (security needs) the sources of LUST and LOVE by any means so that they get the need satiation longer or throughout life. So, caring could arise out of this security needs too (eg in a traditional family or marriage system...it is legally protected too).
Any love feeling that emanates in a person beyond the LUST or 'feeling of acceptance' needs or security needs while retaining the peace, health, happiness, contentment and self actualisation can be termed true love or unconditional love. This benefits the person in love and person being loved.
VARIETY...
Human beings want variety in all their 'pleasure' or 'lust' needs. They can't eat same food. Wear same clothes. Live in same place. A variety of things are required every day. If variety is not there, then they fall sick in body and mind. This affects their social relationships also.
Nature does not want any two organisms to be the same in appearance and behaviours. So, it has created the need for VARIATION in all human beings. So, human beings want VARIATION in all pleasure needs or LUST needs. It is Nature driven. So, no human being can be physically,mentally and socially healthy without satiation of this VARIATION needs. No human being can escape from this need!!
Human beings also need variety of LOVE...i.e caring. The caring of a mother, father, lover, spouse, friend, sibling, relative are alllll different. We perceive these loves differently and one needs all these sorts of love in life all the time.
When we expect all these types of love from one person, then it becomes taxing for that person and strains the relationship. We also expect one form of love from only one person of our like. When we get that form of love from another person, we may not like or accept. Love is a natural feeling and therefore, it can not be forced. We might get one type of love feeling with one person, but the other person may not get any love feeling with us or get a different type of love feeling which may not be acceptable to us.
So, we want varieties of love from same or different people of our choice but we may not get such people or may not be acceptable to us. This leads to spoiled mental health and social well-being.
Nature has given the human brain the powers to simulate, fantasize when it is not possible in reality or when reality is not satiating the variety needs of love or lust. This can help the individual to survive or exist but does not help to live with complete mental health as it does not guarantee assurance or reassurance of complete love or lust for entire life.
This need makes people to lust many...love many (i.e care for many without any lust)...love and lust many (temporarily or permanently).
POSSESSIVENESS...
While the Nature has given LUST needs, VARIATION needs, LOVE needs, it has also given the POSSESSIVENESS also which works against all these three. It works in contrast to all the other three needs. We want to possess the sources of lust and love. We don't want that source to give love or lust to others. We want that person to give only to us. Are we in a position to give lust or love only to one person?...Does VARIATION doe not work inside us?...If we can not then how can we expect that from the other person?....While we are possessive about the other person, the other person also may be possessive about us...or about his or her sources of love or lust or variation.
Possessiveness exists in all types of relationships!...Parents are possessive about their children. Spouses are possessive about their spouse. Lovers are possessive of their lovers. Friends are possessive of their friends. Siblings are possessive of their siblings. To add to the complication, every one is in myriads of relationships...i.e for e.g while a person is a father, he is a lover (i.e 'carer' for many e.g a physically challenged or orphan or terminally ill person or aged person), he is a friend, he is a spouse, he is a brother etc and in every relationship he gives a 'feeling of acceptance' to the other person and therefore, the other person feels possessive about him....this is just one example.
Without Love no one can exist, without love no relationship can exist and without love and relationship no one can exist and both these involve 'caring for the other person', caring is an emotional issue, and without emotion it only becomes a 'help' where the 'feeling of acceptance' is not perceived by the other person and therefore POSSESSIVENESS is sword thrown by the Nature which spoils love, lust and relationships. Therefore, it spoils the peace, happiness, contentment and health.
So, possessiveness exists in all types of love, lust and relationships. it acts negatively against another basic, Nature driven instinct called VARIATION need. So, there is always a conflict.
When a person loves many with different relationships (i.e care for many without lust)...lusts many...or loves and lusts many...then the life gets complicated.
So, though possessiveness is a good feeling, but it is devastating to life (unfortunately our tool of measurement of love of others person to us is 'possessiveness' which is wrong. If a person is more possessive about us then we feel more loved. But when it exceeds the limits perceived by us, then it becomes a cage, limiting the freedom, hell etc and the relationship suffers...love suffers...lust suffers!...so, when possessiveness is within limits defined by us, then we perceive good but it works against variation needs)
TRUST...BELIEF...HONESTY...
This possessiveness brings a feeling in us that the source or sources of love, lust, variation, the myriads of relationships we want etc should give only to us. We say that there has to be a trust between each other that they give all these only to the other person and not to any one else. We call it honesty. We BELIEVE that person that he or she gives all these only to us. We feel that the person should give all the time, energy, attention, money, wealth, love, lust, relationships only to us and not to others. If we find some change in this then we feel the person has broken the trust, the belief in the promise, the honesty in the relationship.
We also perceive that the trust, believing and honesty are unwritten laws of any relationship. When we form a relationship, in reality or fantasies, we automatically feel that all these three are part of it. There is an unsigned agreement between the two which is automatically generated between the two as part of the relationship.
I trust you are father only to me!....I trust you are mother only to me!...I trust you are lover only to me!...I trust you are wife only to me!....i trust you are husband only to me!....i trust you are bestie only to me!....I trust you are brother only to me!...I trust you are sister only to me!
Possessiveness brings in this need or expectation of Trust or believing or honesty. More the possessiveness, more the expectation or suspicion of these three from that individual and the peace, happiness and health goes off in that relationship. Almost every unguarded/unregulated good relationship reaches this stage.
Love, Lust, Variation need...all these work against this trust and honesty.
GUILTY FEELING...
While trust and others work inside us with the other person's behaviour, guilt feeling works with in us about what we are...our own thinking, emotions and activities!!
Our value systems, our beliefs, our trust on us, our honesty within us, our definition of life and living, our perception of love, lust, variation, relationships etc when they contradict the reality, then we get this guilty feeling.
As it is caused only within us, others are not related to this, and it is related to only the mind, we can easily remove the guilty feeling by changing our value systems or beliefs or definitions of life, living, relationships, trust, honesty code etc in our mind or by changing our behaviours or relationships with others in reality or in mind.
HUMANNESS...
There are people who are real human beings who radiate happiness, peace and great health. They attract people or people get attracted by their sheer radiance. People like to be in their presence in thoughts or reality. They feel cool, happy, peaceful, comfortable and perceive that all their worries or problems vanish with the thought or presence of that person. They care for all equally and are beyond the divisiveness of religion, language, caste, race etc. So, many perceive relationships with such people, which they lack in their life. Intelligence, kindness, sense of humour, easy adaptability to people and situations, administrative skills, leadership qualities and there are soo many positive personality traits which make a person to be a good human being which is attractive to many. Some fall in love with them...Some lust with them...Some become possessive about them due to their increased love perception.
So, where is the question of Trust or believing or honesty?
CONCLUSION...
1. Nature has thrown Love, Lust, Variation, Possessiveness, Trust, Honesty etc on us to make our life miserable.
2. All these issues are related to our MIND, which is formed when various parts of brain interact with each other, and we need to keep it cool, calm, highly spiritual and enlightened.
3. While Nature has played with all these, it has also given the SIXTH SENSE which ponders over all the myriad issues listed above and finds peace, happiness, health and contentment amidst the murky waters of life by keeping life, living, body, mind well above in universal space, much above this atmosphere where all these turbulence are taking place.
4. All these lust, love, variation, possessiveness, trust, honesty, believing, relationships etc are taking place only inside our BODY and MIND. We only perceive what we perceive from the behaviours of others. So, others are only enablers of our own perception and not the true or real or actual cause of all these issues. So, we can not blame others for all the issues mentioned above. It is our own need for love, lust, variation, possessiveness, trust, honesty, relationships etc we have gone to others.
Our perception depends on the HEALTH of our own BODY and MIND. All these listed above are arising in our body and mind due to some NEED STATES. So, if we keep our BODY and MIND balanced and healthy with LESS NEED STATES, then both body and mind become self regulating, do not need any controls, even if required it is easily controllable and our value systems can easily place our life in the path of peace, happiness and good health.
5. Healthy balanced diet at the right times, good sustainable exercise regime for body, mind and our social health, good sleeping habits (uninterrupted continuous night sleep of 06 to 07 hours in 24 hours) (ideal is 10 pm to 05 am), meditation, yoga asanas and other healthy life styles that lead to high Emotional Quotient and Spiritual Quotient can keep the body and mind cool, healthy, calm and self-regulating.
6. Junk food, missing of meals, no proper timing of meals, no exercise, no proper sleep, too much of stress on body and mind leads to need for more lust, love, relationships, variation, possessiveness, trust, honesty etc leading to guilt, depression, frustration, sadness, crying, fights, shouting, multiple break-ups and multiple fall-in-loves and finally no peace, health and happiness...Loss of studies, Loss of job...Loss of relationships...Loss of life!!...All these are more found in people in adolescent and early adult stage (13 to 25 years) or who think in their mind that they are adolescent/early adults.
Keep rocking....Rams....Health Psychologist!!
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