Dear all...one question...one answer....IMPORTANT FOR ALL ADOLESCENTS...(parents may read if they want to understand and guide their children)
Qn...Even with the basic and best of the relationships like mother, father, husband, wife, children etc we have problems. We have problem in every relationship. This is the biggest headache, peace-health-happiness-success spoiler. How to avoid this?
Ans. It is very simple. There are only two types of relationships. 1. Default relationships 2. Relationships made by us.
1. Default relationships....eg mother, father, sister, brother, grand parents. They form the nucleus. In the next orbit the people related to them like father's brothers/sisters, mother's brothers/sisters like this it goes on. Then comes close relatives. They are default relationships formed due to our birth in a social system called family which is a part of a community.
We can not avoid these relationships. They support us, groom us and look after us by providing all the essentials of life including security. We can try changing them. But they may not in all aspects. The default relationships, by default are designed to look for the needs, wants and expectations from others in our culture. In this set up we become lazy, we don't look after ourselves, and expect all others to meet our needs and live like us. Others also do the same and expect from us. So, there is no possibility of peace, happiness, health etc. Every one has to look after their needs and should not expect anything from others. And every one should ask 'what i can do for the family, others...the common works/issues?. Because every one needs the help of others some times. If they need everyday without genuine reason then we need to tell them. Open Communication with out ego, discussing out every issue without leaving any room for cold wars which ultimately will result in volcanic eruptions and breakage of relationship mildly or totally is the solution. We can explain, ask positive questions to make them find positive answers, understand and change for positive. If it does not work out then we have either accept them as they are or insulate us in the required dimensions so that others do not affect our peace, happiness and health while living with them. TIME, PATIENCE, NATURE, CALM DISCUSSIONS WITHOUT EGO OVER MANY SITTINGS are the solutions.
2. Created relationships. These are relationships which we create during our life when we meet people in neighbourhood, office and society. There are certain basic theories in these relationships as follows:-
We need to know that without our efforts no relationship gets created. No one can love us without our permission. We can not love anyone by force. Love is a natural process.
Without our allowing, without our acceptance no one can enter in our life, heart, home and make any emotional relationship with us.
Whatever relationship we form with the other person is our baby and we can not expect the other person to honour it or accept it and make the same type of or adaptable relationship with us. We can not blame the other person. We are solely responsible for our relationship with others. The cause and effects of our perceptions are ours only, not their behaviours.
Like us, every other person also makes a normal or emotional relationship with us as per their needs, wants, expectations. They can not blame us. They are responsible for it. They can not demand or control or expect or blame.The cause and effect of their perceptions about the relationship,about you, your thinking, emotions and behaviours, they have formed is theirs and not yours.
Every one has the right to decide the boundaries, fencing, limits, acceptability or non acceptability of their and others behaviours in the relationship. We should learn, gain confidence to say 'no'. Good fencing makes good neighbours. Every one has the comfort zone, acceptable and unacceptable limits and one has to acknowledge that of the other person. They should know and set these and intimate the other person. Open communication to define all these are a must in a relationship.
Unguided, uncontrolled, unregulated relationships which are not formed by either of the people and gets formed on its own can lead to problems later and lead to compromises, sacrifices, guilt, losses of body, money, energy, time, job, kids, life, those 05 life basics etc. So, defining the relationship during its formation with boundaries, limitations, needs, expectations etc is important.
How to decide where to draw lines etc?
The answer is very simple. In life 05 basics are important. PEACE, PHYSICAL-MENTAL-SOCIAL WELL-BEING, HAPPINESS, CONTENTMENT AND SELF ACTUALISATION IS IMPORTANT AND NO COMPROMISE ON THIS.
In a relationship both concerned should perceive all these 05, all the time in their relationship. If yes, then the relationship is perfect for both. If the answer is No by even one person then there is something wrong in that relationship, body is involved in that relationship, and both need to sit, analyse, communicate openly and bring the relationship back to track to ensure both get these 05.
If any of the thinking, emotions or behaviours of the other person is going to disturb any of these 05, then we need to draw the line. We need to openly communicate this to the other person gently with love, and if not listened to then with stern, explaining the consequences. We need to know, understand and accept that the other person will also follow the same.
We can not on our own expect and assume or perceive something about the person or relationship and blame others for their behaviours, emotions and thinking. The same holds good for the other person too.
We are responsible and have to face the consequences of liberties we have given to the other person in the relationship and with us.
Ultimately the question comes 'whether i need that person in my life or not?' and accordingly we have to accept that person as he is or she is with defects or leave that relationship. Decision is ours.
It is better to clarify than assuming. We always assume or perceive to our advantage which can affect the relationship.
The person with least needs, wants and expectations will control the relationship and decide whether that relationship will sustain or not. The other person with higher needs has no control over the relationship.
Happiness means the one based on sixth sense, service to others without expectations, caring which give all those 05 unconditionally, permanently, without any craving and stress in the mind. Happiness is not related to body and related to mind. Any relationship that is based on happiness will remain for life time with only positives.
Pleasure is anything related to body, having craving tendency, sadness, crying, fighting, frustrating, demanding, controlling, judging, suspecting, etc. In short it has all negatives to ruin all the 05 basics.
In any relationship when you find these pleasure or negative symptoms with you or the other person then we need to understand that 'body' is involved and accordingly take action for our own or others thinking, emotions and behaviours.
Any relationship which involves body and pleasure will suffer, can face dangers, lead to crimes, loss of money, wealth, all those 05 basics and even life.
Any relationship which involves only mind, happiness, will remain for ever without any strain.
We need to figure out consciously when the relationship crosses from happiness to pleasure zone, from either side, and suitably act to ensure that the relationship remains within the domain of 'happiness' and mind needs, does not enter into pleasure domain and lead to all negatives and ultimately you end up in losing a good person and the relationship.
If some one says 'all relationships will have sadness and happiness' 'love has both crying and laughing moments'...then these are wrong. Myths.
If you start suspecting, judging, back-sniffing, demanding, controlling, possessive, directing the other person then know that 'body' is involved in that relationship and it can not give you those 05 basics. If the other person is doing this then beware and tell that person what the relationship is moving towards.
Generally every relationship starts with 'getting attracted'. Then it leads to 'liking' that person. Then it leads to 'finding everything' about that person. Then it leads to 'telling everything about us' to that person. Subconsciously, without our knowledge, our mind evaluates the possibility or capability of the other person to meet our needs, wants and expectations. Then looks for satiation of these. If met, then it goes to the next level of possessing or holding it for life time. Security needs!!. Then starts all negatives in life. If not met and the consciousness says 'not possible' then the person leaves the relationship. But if it is obsession then the person will not leave the relationship but torture the other person, as the individual is not in a stable mind to accept and understand that need satiation is not possible. If not met and consciousness says it is possible but the other person is not giving, then all types of tortures start, judging and suspecting takes place, resulting in loss of all the 05 basics. This is the reason why all the college students, lovers keep fighting, crying, enjoying the small moments of pleasures, thinking this is happiness, all loves are like this, so this is right etc and they continue to live in the suffocating 'pleasure well' without knowing what is true love!!
So, we need to consciously watch out the dynamics in any relationship and act accordingly.
peacefully yours....rams...health psychologist
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