We and our emotional relationships!!!

hai friends...how are you?

hope you enjoyed the previous song...when i attach songs some are facing problem as it eats off the Mbs in their mobile...so i have decided to send only the youtube link...if some one wants the song then i can send it separately as attachment.

I like all types of music as long as it gives peace and happiness to me. Preferably i should be able to 'see' the music not by video but as audio!!...here is a beautiful malayalam song...you tube link is...http://youtu.be/BZxhM7O7vPk...i got this song during late 80s from my friend suresh babu...thank you boss!...hope you all also enjoy it.

this mail will interest every one here as it is about  relationships all of us come across in our lives...emotional relationships!

as usual, nothing typed here is given in any book or any where...there are my own words or understanding. So, kick me if you feel different!

in the previous mail i typed one para...."there is another village girl of tamil nadu who gives an excellent definition of love which answers to the most important and biggest problem in life around the world!

what is that definition?...what is that problem?...what is that million dollar solution?"

this is given in this mail...but before reaching it, let us discuss something about this emotional relationships...

what is an emotional relationship?...a relationship in which we share emotions!!...we can also call it is a relationship where emotion is present...it is the link between us and the other...a relationship where we experience primary emotions like happiness or sorrow or both and all other secondary emotions too (e.g frustration, anxiety, wonder etc)...in such relationships eyes gather tears due to sorrow or happiness some time or the other...some people even feel happy when they shed tears in sorrow in love!! (whether it is right mental state of health or not is a different issue...separate, lengthy issue!)...

in an emotional relationship we keep thinking about 'the source of emotion' (let us say X...where x refers to a human being or item or living organism or existing or imaginary or place)...we prefer it to be present with us...always...we want to see...we want to talk...we might talk only selective issues or everything and anything under the sky....we might want to be physical from touching, cuddling, kissing to anything and everything.

without emotions we become machines. So, emotions distinguish us from machines...make us living beings...as we can experience many and complex emotions we become distinct from other living organisms...as human beings!...so, there is no healthy human being who does not have or share emotions!...therefore, we can not live without emotions and emotional relationships. It is a basic need. We will die without this. If some one does not experience emotions (may or may not be visible) he needs treatment.

ok. So, where is the problem with emotions in life?...almost all problems in life are due to emotions!!...related to our perception regarding the source of emotions!!...so, we need to learn to be with positive emotions always. We need to perceive only positive feelings with our sources of emotions. Only this state of mind will give us happiness. If we perceive negative feelings with our sources of emotions then we will feel only unhappy and experience negative emotions like frustration,  sadness, anger etc which will affect our body and mind.

Are negative perceptions due to the sources of emotions?...May be or may not be. But what we perceive matters to us. If you want to be happy then perceive positivity.

relationship happens with living and non living. There is never a problem when we have emotional relationship with a living or non living or dead, in fantasies. Here there is no necessity of the item or the individual to be present with us sparing time and other resources. e.g lover or spouse or soul mate living far away, dead parents (one of my friend worships a photo in which red coloured foot prints are there...foot prints of right and left foot...he says 'when my mother died i understood the value of my mother. I tore off my hands with a blade, applied the blood on her feet bottom, took the foot prints on a paper, framed it...it is my god!...the only god i worship!!'...most of us understand the value of a relationship or item or person only when it gets lost or goes away from us!!!), siblings, lover, friend, puppy or any other pet,  non living (except when it is lost or taken away by some one or damaged). Some times we are able to buy one more and feel happy again (unless it is presented by some one with whom we had/have emotional relationship).

we develop emotional relationship with places, our home, the pets at home, nature (sky, rainbow, rain, chill breeze etc) too. We develop emotional relationships with people whom we never met (e.g writers, artists etc). There is no age restriction in emotional relationships e.g we love even elderly people, infants, children...it has no gender too...a male can have emotional relationship with a male (e.g friendship or homosexual) or female...similarly a female can have emotional relationship with a female or male...therefore, emotional relationship has no boundaries or limits whatsoever.

we can type hundreds of pages on this issue...let me try typing some which will encompass everything! when we type examples and case studies then the length of the mail will go to many pages (hmmm...some might feel without examples it is not nice or not understood)

Why nature has given this emotional relationship?...or emotions?

it is required to attract or get attracted to people for giving birth to off springs...for life to continue on earth...for rearing of the off springs...to keep the mind happy and healthy there by keeping our body healthy, to remain together...to remain connected with people, items, places and nature...to form a network with anything and everything around us...so that nothing remains isolated...no one remains isolated...there is some one or something for every one and every thing!

Does blood relationship mean emotional relationship to exist?...need not be. Emotional relationship will exist only if socialization takes place between the people. It also depends upon the type, duration, and level of socialisation. Physical or mental or both?...physical presence...how much of emotions both perceive with respect to each other...

emotional relationship can exist only if we 'like' the other person...if we perceive happiness from that person...this like could be based on physical looks or personality traits...we like people for their physical looks (e.g people love film stars and other beautiful/handsome looking people in society)...we like characters portrayed by them...so, if they play in some other role we don't like them...but if we like only their physical looks then role or character played does not matter...if we like a person purely for physical looks, then it will vanish once the looks vanish or we find another person with better looks or we get bored with the looks of the first...but if we like the personality traits of an individual, then we will like that person till the traits remain...generally basic traits remain for ever...all learnt traits can be changed...based on 'needs' at that particular stage in life also the personality traits change...so, the emotional relationship remains as long as the 'liked personality traits' or 'liked physical looks' remain...mostly an emotional relationship whose back bone is 'liked personality traits' is likely to remain for life time...if there are any strains also it can be corrected...two people married or living together does not mean there is emotional relationship between them...those who live for society sake or for the sake of the children / parents / in-laws etc need not have emotional relationships...or they might have 'negative emotional relationships' leading to negative emotions...

the word personality traits encompass everything like intelligence, emotional quotient, maturity, etc...it is a big list which you can get from google...

some of us develop emotional relationships with saints, gurus, leaders, administrators, political leaders etc even if they are not looking beautiful or we don't know their personality traits...we form an 'image' from their looks and authoritative position about their personality traits which we like, and start developing emotional relationship with them...we expect them to have a set of personality traits...we like those personality traits..and therefore, we like them at the first sight or with few sittings and develop emotional relationship with them...

also there are several types of emotional relationships...for e.g relationships we have with parents, with siblings, with friends, with other relatives, with lover(s), with spouse...all these are different...the physical involvement and mental involvement levels are different...

nature has blessed us (cursed us???...no!...it is not a curse!) with an ability to have same type and level of emotional relationship with
more than one person, item and place. We can love two people with same emotional levels even with physical involvement to same levels. This holds good for items and places too. e.g we like the gifts of two different people to the same level. We love two places where we have enjoyed the nature, people and relationships with them to the same extent.

What is curse is 'possessiveness'!...our 'expectations' from x which they are unable to fulfill!...we might be experiencing some type or level of emotional relationship with one but the other person may not experience the same type or level of emotional relationship with us (one sided love...'i felt you like my brother only' types!)...this leads to unhappiness, bad health and problems in life.......we can be possessive about more than one people, item or places. But they may not be possessive about us. We may not like they being possessive about others or other places or other items. Legally we can not find a solution for all these type of emotional relationships. All these lead to problems in emotional relationships.

like this, emotions and emotional relationships are highly complicated...therefore, there are problems!!..but we can not live without experiencing these in our lives. We only should know how to manage them well. That is all.

The film world in india is surviving with so many types and numbers of films only because of this complexity!


Day in and day out, every second, in every media, we keep hearing about all issues of rape, murder, divorce etc etc are all related directly or indirectly to these complex emotional relationships we have with places, people, items with one sidedness, possessiveness and expectations!!!

our first emotional relationship starts with the mother...the first and the best emotional relationship on earth. If it is not best, it is only our perception. The very fact that she has grown us in her body for 10 months and given birth to us through a process which is 'life and death' for her is itself a big sacrifice (saying 'she did it for her own safety as MTP was not possible' etc is all negative thinking). A mother might throw the baby here and there and vanish out of circumstantial issues. But i am sure she will cry for ever throughout her life searching for that baby once she is out of the circumstantial issue. All said and done, mother is the first emotional relationship and x. Then we develop emotional relationship with father, siblings, grand parents and all other relatives. But it does not suffice for us. Why? because of the variety of physical and mental needs we have to say we are 'satisfied' and happy...what are the other problems and complications?

how emotional relationships develop?...what are the different stages?...why the type and level of emotional relationships are different?....why the perceptions between two people regarding the type and level of emotional relationship is different?...why nature has given this ability to like or love many in the same way and same levels?...why nature has given 'possessiveness' and 'expectations'?


wofff...i am unable to tell the answer for the question of my previous mail here also as it has become too lengthy and i don't have time to type more...sorry yaar!...for the above and also adding more questions at the end of this mail and making you to remain with anxiety for the next mail. ....i will end this issue certainly in the next mail!.......i can hear you asking 'but when?'...certainly tomorrow...is it ok?..

bye...take care...keep rocking!


rams

Oh...My God!!

Hai friends…how are you?

You can meet me at facebook …just sign in…type ‘Manickarajan Ramasubramanian’ in search window…press enter…you will find me!

There is a beautiful hindi movie ‘OH MY GOD (OMG)’…it is worth watching…now let us go to the matter…

What does god want from us?...standing in the queue for hours to see him?...paying a big sum to see him?...to get crushed in crowd to see him for few  seconds?...to see him only on auspicious days, dates and times?...to give him money and wealth?...is there any god who is poor?...is there any one between god and people?...any one of them poor? any one of them suffering? have you seen their lives?...which are places or who are the people where money, wealth, worldly pleasures are filled in abundance? where is the problem?...who is at fault?

Is there any god who is not powerful?...is there any god who cannot look after us and bless us with our wish list?...if yes then why to have that useless god?...if no then why so many gods?...do we have gods only to meet the requirements of people here?...to do whatever we say?...our servant?...our genie with magical powers?...

 is there any temple which is not worth visiting?...how many gods are there?...is there any god for each family called ‘family god’?...to count the number of gods we have to count the number of families, castes, sub castes, sub caste groups, religions, the lorries (each lorry has name of a different god!), the number of people with god’s names!

Inside the temple…god has a roof…wears only silk garments…every day new dress…lots of flowers, food to eat…praises and praises…power supply never fails…thousands of devotees give food, money, wealth and other offerings to god…god is made rich and rich by the poor people

Outside the temple…several hungry children of god begging for alms who do not have a house, food, toilet, clean water! Lakhs live inside and on the banks of koovam river in Chennai. Lakhs of vote banks!!!..similar case everywhere. God is made rich and richer by these poor people.

...sentiments!...sentiments!!...sentiments!!!...philosophy is ‘look after god. God will look after you!’…is it true?...does god want us to look after him?...does god tell ‘you look after me, I look after you’?...if god has not said this then who has said all these?...is there any  living organism on earth which follows this philosophy?...is there any bird or ant or animal which depends on others or god to get looked after?…don’t  they  look after themselves?...are they not living happily?

When I go to ‘perennial temples’ (crowded all 24 hours and round the year)or normal temples on auspicious days, dates and times I only see people, people and people…get crushed…only sounds of human beings…chanting, loud bells and drums, noise…noise…noise…all these to drive us to high emotional state and become physically and mentally unstable, lose consciousness, reality, logical thinking and reasoning?...and start dancing and shouting? (‘saami vanthuruchhu?’) no air to breath…thick suite of camphor smoke…I don’t see god!...i can’t see god!!...i feel stressed. I feel frustrated. I feel suffocation. My mind is not free. My soul is unhappy. I experience hell. Is it a temple or hell?...did god tell us to do all these inside his temple?...did god demand all these?...god goes mad with all these. Poor god is unable to tell this.

...there are hundreds of shops outside, selling hundreds of things from thayathhu, photos of gods, maalai and what not?...they say ‘if you wear this you will become rich, ghosts will not enter your body, all evils will go away’…did god tell this?...all of us have gone to temples thousands of times, purchased all these and eaten, tied or worn, performed so many rituals and spent thousands on all these…have ghosts, evils, diseases etc gone from us and our minds?...are we happy and healthy?...if no then what is the use?...if yes then why to do them repeatedly?...has god created all these?...who has created?...

no living organism on earth has sensed ghosts and evils?...have you seen any ghost entering a goat or other animals?...only human beings, the evolved and advanced species, have sensed ghosts and evils?...ghosts and evils enter only human body and mind!...none of the living organisms are bothered about fate, destiny, future etc…none of them go to temples, worship god, do all the rituals that we do, do all the poojas etc, no auspicious date, no horoscope, no precious stones on hands, no god, no people in between god and them, no superstitions, no beliefs, no science, no mind, no soul, no thinking, no emotions…are they not happy and healthy?...we have discovered gods, ghosts, evils, money, wealth and always keep thinking about destiny, fate, money, wealth, horoscope (mostly horror scope!), vassthu, numerology, nameology,  host of things shown in TV, news papers and other media fear of future, fear of god, fear of animals, fear of losing job, fear of human beings, fear of fury of nature, fear of losing money, fear of losing wealth, fear of losing kith and kin, fear of getting diseases, fear of every damn thing in reality and perceived!...we are filllllllled with negative behaviours, negative thinking and fears about everything!...who has brought all these to us?...god?...or people in between god and us?...why all these have come in?...is it because we have stopped thinking?...we have stopped thinking in the right direction?

Does the above mean that sixth sense is a curse?...mind is useless? (brain is the physical structure of the body, mind is the functional correlate of brain, there is no mind when various parts of brain function in an isolated manner, mind is created when they interact with each other and function), human beings are worst living organisms on earth compared to animals?...evolution has happened in the wrong direction?...we have not evolved properly?

the products and services related to god, beliefs, superstitions sold in this country and on earth should be costing billions and billions!...a real big market!!…never drying and ever flourishing market!!!…why to study hard, work day and night, get aged and get diseases, lose happiness and get stressed, why worries…building temples and shops selling services and products related to above with the ISI seal of ‘god’ should fetch us billions!...it is a real good social service as we are doing a service to humanity to drive away evils, ghosts and bring in happiness, good health and peace to entire humanity.

Does it mean that I don’t believe in god?...does it mean that I don’t go to temples?...i believe in god…I go to temples…When I go to simple temples…during normal days…I see only god!..nothing else!!...no one else!!!..myself and god…alone…we talk one to one…god has all the time to talk to me…I have all the time to talk to him/her…no distractions of harsh sounds, hard smells and beautiful  people! …… The sound of breeze. Clean air. The sounds of leaves. Sounds of birds. Only sounds of nature. I see the squirrel running here and there eating the fruits. Good smell. The smell of nature. The smell from sand and trees. The smell of flowers from trees.  I am not emotional…I am not unstable…I am in reality, conscious with logical thinking and reasoning… only silence…silence and silence everywhere. My soul is at peace. My mind is at peace. All my stresses relieved. I feel at heaven. I feel I am inside a temple. I feel I am with god. I am able to think. I feel pleasant to talk to god. We both have lots of time and peace to talk…we both talk and talk…no interpreters, translators, poojaaris and philosophers…we talk many things…all about everything that is happening around us…he is really worried…about the mess human beings have created about him…the way human beings exploit him…the way human beings perceive him…the things said about him by people at various places and occasions and in books…the way human beings live…their priorities…the way they have perceived about life and living…the way they exploit the world god has created…the way they spoil the nature…he says none of the living organisms created by him spoil, pollute and destroy the nature except human beings…he says he regrets for creating an organism called ‘human beings’…he regrets for giving him the power of thinking…for giving him the mind!...

He has told me so many things. We both keep discussing  about all these. I will tell about discussions in the times to come.

Why he has not discussed all these with you?...why he does not talk to you?...why he has no time for you?...why he does not care you?...why you are unhappy?...why you are unhealthy?...why you repeatedly go to him for his help?... because you always go when he is busy with lots of people around. Lots of noise around. He is unable to hear what you say. He has no time to listen to you. There are so many people and so many things happen around him. You are also busy. You have no time. You almost run to his temple. You keep running inside the temple from one god to another god. You don’t mind paying hundreds and thousands to see him fast but even then you get only few seconds with him…within that time you are unable to rattle all your wish lists…your cell phone rings…your wife next to you is saying something…your children are naughty…the poojari says ‘jaragandi jaragandi’ (move move and keep moving), you are worried if you could tell all your wish list…you remember something important you missed and feel ‘oh shit! I forgot this!’…If you go when he is alone and free, with free mind, without being emotional about him and your relationship with him, with a mental state of thinking and logical reasoning, when you approach him directly…without any people in between you and him (god does not have brokers…he speaks in a language understandable by us…he speaks simple things and no high funda…so we can easily understand him…no need of translators, interpreters and philosophers to make us understand what he says…he is down to earth…he is the creator…he is our mother…he has created us and given birth to us…can’t we understand our mother tongue??)…

is he partial?...is he showing favourtism?...we always perceive god and his personality traits with our limited brain and thinking…with our personality traits…with our dirty mind with negative behaviors, negative thinking, our culture…he is much above all these!

He has given brain for us to think. He wants us to think. Without any limits and inhibitions. But about him, about the theories and stories built around him. Not just about the dependent and independent variables around us, make equations, theories and scientific philosophies but also about things which some people have created around us and made our lives miserable…built around beliefs and superstitions…to make our lives miserable, unhappy, unhealthy and not successful. To identify them and isolate them.

Is this enough?...keep rocking...bye

rams

meet me at facebook

hai friends...you can meet me at facebook...

sign in and type 'Manickarajan Ramasubramanian' in search space...search...you will find me...

keep rocking...

rams

what should be the age difference between a bride and a bridegroom?

hai guys!...how are you? hope you enjoyed the mails! i have posted all the mails at my blog...just type 'funnyrams' in google...you will find a link 'funnyrams.blogspot.com'...just click that...you are there to view about 100 plus mails...if you like, press 'follow' and you can also comment about them... there are several issues which keep circling in my mind...there is no dearth of subjects...as long as living beings are around me, there will be issues to type here for me!! today one of the friends was rattling some subject titles of mails which was liked and also requested to resend some song i posted...the problem is once i type the matter and send it, the issue goes off from my mind...so i could not recollect what i typed...i.e word by word...as words just come and i type...so i could not correlate  what the person was mentioning!!!...of course, i will remember the crux of the issue as it is from my blood! sorry friend...anyway...thanks for reading and remembering...we will discuss it again!...thanks for all those who read these mails as they take long time and your focus! ok...now the issue of the mail...what should be the age difference between the bride and bridegroom? Let us start with a question...why are we getting married?...is it a ritual in life that 'every one born here should get married and so, i am also getting married!'...or 'my parents want to complete their responsibility. So, i am getting married!'...if these are your answers then you know what you are doing!!...if the answer is 'i found 'my' guy (or girl)...my soulmate...(definition of soulmate in my opinion is 'the person with whom you can share any knowledge, opinion, job, responsibility, emotions, etc under the sky with ease and without any inhibition'). I want to live with him (her)'...if this is the answer, then you can get married! Should every one born on earth get married?...my answer is a 'biggg no!'...we have discussed this in one of the mails...!...in short 'some people if get married will only spoil their life and the life of their spouse and children'...those who are rigid in behaviors or primitive in thinking or workaholics or 'scientists' etc should not get married...or should undergo some behaviour modification therapy before they decide to get married! Unfortunately many do not know this and screw up the lives of many!!! ok...coming back to the issue...we get married for what?...'for happiness!'...so, all those who are not happy after marriage need to take a paper and pen and 'dig themselves' to find out the reasons and how to burry the bugs in married life! If we know that we are not going to be happy then why to get married?...why to complicate the life?...why to produce children out of this unhappily wedded life and spoil their life also? ok...we are getting married for 'happiness'...we get happy if our 'needs' are met...so, our needs should be met through the person with whom we get married and the social system called 'family' we form with roles and statuses of each member in that family...family consists of wife, husband and children. It might include parents also...so, 'needs' of every one comes into and complicates the dynamics. We can also use the word 'expectations'. That is why when the couple have problems they both should sit down and write in a paper 'the expectations of each from the other' and discuss to see how one can meet the expectations of the other... But, as me and Maslow like the word 'need' we stick on to it! When i bring in Maslow here, i need to tell about him!...All those management, commerce and engg students who have done a subject on management will know him. But if you turn the pages of any text book of management or psychology or commerce you will just find may be one or two pages of info about his theory...the 'Maslow's theory of hierarchy of needs'!...management and commerce guys will read it with 'motivation of employees' perspective...ie how to satisfy the needs of employees to motivate...psychology students read about it in 'behavioural perspective'... in my opinion, we can write pages and pages about his theory, if we analyse the behaviours of people with this theory as the tool. I got answers for many of the problems in life and behaviours of people when i analysed taking this theory as the tool! ok...let us see in short what is this theory so that you are with me on the same page. Maslow says 'every human being has basically five levels of needs in life at different ages and stages in life. All their behaviours in life are towards achieving these needs!'...let me stop here as otherwise it would become a (an interesting!) theory class! so, all of us have some needs at different age and stage in life. We get married to satisfy some of the needs. We feel that we can not get those needs being alone or without marriage. So, we get married. I.e join with another person and start living together. It could be a person from same gender or different gender!!...mostly it is the opposite gender as procreation is possible only in this type of arrangement. Or you can procreate with another person with whom you are not living together but live with some other person of any gender (note...i am using the word 'person' which is common for both genders!)...we can have any type of combination...but the indian social and legal systems recognise only marriage between opposite genders! so, marriage is to satisfy the needs and Maslow talks about our needs at different ages!...so, i am linking these two to find the correct answer for the question...what should be the age difference between the bride and bride groom?...did you ever think Maslow's theory can be used like this!!!!...yes...maslow's theory answers many questions and solves many problems in life like this, as most of the questions or problems related to human beings revolve around their 'needs'! the answer for the question is 'the bride and bridegroom should be of same age preferably!' why?...because it is likely that their needs may be same...if their needs are same...e.g physical needs, emotional needs, intellectual needs etc...then one can satisfy the need by taking from the other...as both are interested in the same need, they will enjoy the 'give and take', explore various methods of satisfying the other... if the ages are different, then their needs might be different...e.g the younger one may be interested in physical need and the other one may be interested in intellectual need...the need mismatch can frustrate them as their needs are not met through the other person...this can lead to slow, silent and invisible separation between both...and finally separation from marriage or 'living together for society sake or for the sake of others at home' condition... of course, one can put in more efforts to satisfy the other through 'adaptations' even if there is a need mismatch...but the efforts have to be put in by both...there are many 'if's and 'but's...like 'how long?'...when will their needs match?...will they ever match due to age difference etc comes into front! in some rare cases the needs might match inspite of age difference. Generally if the age difference is within about 4 years, then the need differences are not that much. But if more then the differences in need can be distinctly observed or sensed! most of the problems between any two individuals...may be husband and wife...or siblings...or friends...or any relationship on earth...is due to this need difference!... it could be basic physical needs like food, water, shelter, clothing and sex. Or physical needs of security...security of life, job etc of self and significant people around us. Or mental needs like love and affection, social needs (respect from others, feeling of acceptance from others in social systems around us where we are members by self interest or by default), self esteem needs or self actualisation. generally the physical needs of food, water, shelter and clothing start from childhood and continue throughout life...when we attain age i.e nature matures the glands, the reproductive need also silently and invisibly arises and takes priority...this is at its peak till about 25...after that these basic physical needs do not vanish...but the next level arises and takes priority...the physical security needs...generally between 25 and 30 there is an overlap of physical needs and security needs...but after 30 it is distinctly and prominently visible...these ages i mention are in general...from individual to individual it differs mildy...if there is any problem in satisfaction of physical needs then the security need arising gets delayed...between 30 to 35 the security (e.g trying to get a safe and secured job, building a house, secured social relationships at office and home) needs take the priority...from 35 to 40 it is need for love and affection,social status, acceptance by people and society...you will notice that the guy or girl at home start becoming members of Lions club or Rotary club or caste or religion or region based groups...if any of the lower needs are not met then this gets delayed...after 40 it is self esteem needs...so, they will work towards this...this is the crucial period in life when the deterioration in health standards is visible, children are at crucial stage of study, more financial needs, loans of house building and education pinch the pocket, lady at home goes into menopause and shows all types of unbearable behaviours, children start their social relationships outside the home etc etc...so the individual gets stressed physically and mentally...some are able to migrate to the self esteem needs...those who are not able to achieve the higher need will fall back to the next immediate lower level need but vigorously...i.e the need will engulf them like a fire...so, if self esteem need is not achievable, then the individual looks for love and affection...vigorously...at home when it is not available (menopause behaviours!!!...) the guy or girl search for this outside (men also undergo menopause and related behaviours...getting angry, frustrated, unhappy, shouting, finding fault with everyone and at everything)...wofff...let me not deviate...there is already a mail in the blog about this stage in life...so after 45 or 50 it is about self actualisation need... so,now we know the needs at different ages and stages in life...this need has to match for both the spouses...just imagine how it would be if the needs are different...all the behaviours of one will be towards achieving his or her need...if the need mismatch is there then the other person will look at this person as a funny person...irresponsible person...you get fed up with the behaviours of the other person...if the age difference is more then such mismatches occur...e.g when a girl of 22 years marries a guy of 35 years, the girl will be high of physical needs but the guy will be high of physical needs only for some time as there is something new in life but will quickly change over to the need of his age...so, there will be a difference in the needs of both...when this is noticed both have to sit and discuss, adapt, cooperate and move forward...or else the life will not be happy and it will get worse as one may not get his or her need fulfilled...so the individual will fall back to the next immediate lower level need vigorously...will exhibit 'mad dog' behaviour... if the needs or expectations are less from the other person, then more happiness...more the needs or expectations then more the unhappiness...! so, some meet their unmatching needs from others in society...or control (and land up with body or mind or both related diseases or disorders!) or regulate or divert or ensure with their eating and exercise regimes or other methods that there is no need only...it is removed from the butt!...and they meet only matching needs from their spouse! in some cases the needs might match, but the levels and types in a particular need may not match...this also leads to frustration!...this can be solved through details discussions, understanding each others' need, finding out the methods of meeting the needs, education, counseling, behaviour modification therapies etc... even if both of them are of same age and the needs are same at the beginning of married life, they both might changeover to the next level of need at different times…e.g one might still be high physical need but the other might migrate to the next high level i.e security needs…so, when one is showing behaviours of physical needs the other person might not be interested in that and talk about building a house or changing the job or taking some insurance policies etc… out of all these needs the physical need is basic and if this is not met then the individual goes to any level  of doing anything...as physical needs are natural needs, natural instincts, basic needs to be alive and keep the body and mind ticking (eating, reproducing and protecting from weather and enemies are the basic instinct behaviours of all living organisms), if these needs are not met then the body and mind slowly lose the thinking of reality, logical thinking and reasoning, later consequences, social and legal issues that can come up later etc for e.g when a man is damn hungry or thirsty (might die) and finds food in front in a shop  his brain stops thinking…it does not mind about his status, education etc…he will go and beg and ask for food or borrow money or request or worst come worst steal!...this is same in case of protecting the body from weather and enemies…we do not hesitate to do anything to get the need satisfaction as otherwise we will die. Reproductive need is also such a need that the individual forgets about reality and lands up doing anything to get that need met. Once it is met, the individual is able to think and comes back to reality, logical thinking and reasoning, all social and legal issues come in front…then he or she realizes what he has done, feels ashamed and either commits suicide or does something which is more dangerous! That is why marriages break when the physical needs are not met or all types of social crimes or socially not acceptable behaviours arise… Woffff…the mail has become looooong! so the crux is... 1. get married to a person of nearly same age or keep the age difference to the minimum 2. if the age difference is more then both of you sit together, list the needs, types and levels...put in efforts to learn and satisfy the needs of the other...or use the methods above like regulate, divert, etc...never suppress (control) as it leads to several mental and physical problems! the best ideal situation is 'loving a person unconditionally, without any needs or expectations from the other!'...pages and pages could be typed on this one line!...but it would be out of context here...so, we will munch these in the mails to come and years to come!... one guy says 'i did not marry the girl whom i loved because i want to love her always. We have lots of differences in likes and dislikes, needs, beliefs etc. But we love each other very much!...if we marry then we will only keep fighting! so, we decided not to live together but to love always!'...there are many interesting cases like this!...very very different from the normal type of lives we live and decisions we take in life with respect to love and living together or getting married (haa..haa...may not be living together!!!) and there is another village girl of tamil nadu who gives an excellent definition of love which answers to the most important and biggest problem in life around the world! what is that definition?...what is that problem?...what is that million dollar solution?...stay tuned to 'rams's ravusu radio!' bye guns and roses...keep rocking! any doubts on the above subject will be answered against specific question individually or at the blog or in the next mail...bye rams...ravusu rams!

why disgusted at 40?

hope you enjoyed and got enriched with yesterday's mail on career....

scientists say that we generally go by INTEREST way which is fantasy driven during the early stages of life....i.e till approx 20 yrs of age....those career choices we make till 20 are called FANTASY CHOICES without any base.....subsequently make tentative choices which are neither fantasy nor reality based.....only after 40 we make reality choices based on the skills.......now read following lines....

      One of the more fascinating aspects of the study of careers, is the never
ending attempt to identify why people end up in certain careers. In history we
may read about the factors that resulted in a lifetime of politics for Franklin
D.Roosevelt; the multicareer talents of Benjamin Franklin,      the actor who
became president of the United States, Ronald Reagan. At one time or another
we have probably been curious about the career decisions of friends and
acquaintances. But to become more personal, why are you in your present
career? What influenced your career planning and decision making?

       To help youth and adults in their career development, planning, and
adjustment, counselors and other who work as helping professionals must have
some understanding of the better recognized and researched theories of career
development. An understanding of such theories gives the practicing counselor
a knowledge of the studies of others, usually specialists in the field. They
provide a rationale for counselor action that goes beyond personal experience
and intuition.
       Because many disciplines like education, economics, psychology, and
sociology are actively engaged in investigating various career questions a
multitude of theories have emerged. Let us explore several of the more popular
categories without any intent to suggest or recommend a particular theoretical
approach.
       The development theories relevant to career planning view career
development as one aspect of a person’s total development. Further,
developmental theorists assume that career development is a process that takes
place over an individual’s life span. As a result most theories have tended to
focus on developmental stages that are related to age.

 Ginzberg, (1951) was the early pioneer in creating a theory of occupational
choice from a development perspective. This team analyzed the process of
occupational decision making in terms of three period; fantasy choices,
tentative choices, and realistic choices. This theory suggest a process that
moves increasingly toward realism in career decision making as one becomes
older.
       In 1972, Ginzberg modified the original theory to suggest that the
process of vocational choice and development is lifelong and open-ended. In this
process, achieving the optimum is more appropriate to describe the ongoing
efforts of persons as they seek to find the most suitable job. Ginzberg’s revised
theory also places considerable weight on constraints such as family income
and situation, parental attitudes and values, opportunities in the world of work
and value orientation.
      Blau, (1956)     conceived   of occupational choice   as  a process    of
compromise, continually modified, between preferences for and expectations of
being able to get into various occupations. He identifies eight factors
determining entry into an occupation. Four of these characterize the
occupation:    demand,      technical  (functional) qualifications,  personal
(nonfunctional) qualifications, and rewards. Those characterizing the person
were information about an occupation, technical skills, social characteristics,
and value orientation.

       Perhaps the most influential of the development career researchers and
writers was Donald E. Super. Recently, Super (1990) has presented a life span
development theory based on 14 propositions, as follows.
  1.   People differ in their abilities, and personalities, needs, values, interests,
       traits and self-concepts.
  2.   People are qualified, for a number of occupations.
       Each occupation requires a characteristic pattern of abilities and
  3.
       personality traits
  4.   Vocational preferences and competencies, the situations in which people
       live and work, and, hence, their self-concepts, change with time and
       experience.
  5.   This process of change may be summed up in a series of life stages
       characterized as a sequence of growth, exploration, establishment,
       maintenance and decline, and these stages may in turn be subdivided
       into (a)the fantasy, tentative, and realistic phases of the exploratory stage
       and (b) the trial and stable phases of the establishment stage.

6.  The nature of the career pattern-that is the occupational level attained
    and the sequence, frequency, and duration of trial and stable jobs-is
    determined by the individual’s parental socioeconomic level, mental
    ability, education, skills, personality characteristics and career maturity
    and by the opportunities to which he or she is exposed.
7.  Success in coping with the demands of the environment and of the
    organism in that context at any given life-career stage depends on the
    readiness of the individual to cope with these demands (that is, on his or
    her career maturity)
8.  Career maturity is a hypothetical construct. Its operational definition is
    perhaps as difficult to formulate as is that of intelligence.
9.  Development through the life stages can be guided partly by facilitating
    the maturing of abilities and interests and partly by aiding in reality
    testing and in the development of self-concepts.
10. The process of career development is essentially that of developing and
    implementing occupational self-concepts.
11. The process of synthesis of or compromise between individual and social

    factors, between self-concepts and reality, is one of role playing and of
    learning from feedback.
12. Work satisfactions and life satisfactions depend on the extent to which
    the individual finds adequate outlets for abilities, needs, values,
    interests, personality traits, and self-concepts.
13. The degree of satisfaction people attain from work is proportional to the
    degree to which they have been able to implement self-concepts.
14. Work and occupation provide a focus for personality organization       for
    most men and women.

ok friends....it has become too long.....

remaining theories ....we will see tomorrow....

rams

LET US DIG OURSELVES - LESSON 10 - NORMAL BUT ABNORMAL!

hai friends....

no comments for the previous mails?.....either people are reading and not replying or not reading!

few months back when i went to my native place one of my close friend's mother came crying to our house....she was crying so much that she could not tell the reason without pause....she said her husband...my friend's father.... has stopped eating for more than a month....understand he was living on jaggery water and butter milk....she said everyone has tried...... all nears and dears....but he said he will not eat....the reason given by him is that he suffers from constipation.....if he eats it does not come out...and therefore he is facing problem....so, he stopped eating....he refused to go to doctor as he had a bad experience of bleeding in stomach once due to wrong medicine....he had lost nearly 20 kgs and became bones....a gigantic brahmin mamaa reduced to meare skeleton!

she said 'maamaa nee sonnaa keppaarudaa (as her son is of my age she calls me like this), you please come now and tell him to eat....he will listen to you.....after earning so much and living in such a comfortable environment at home why this man is behaving like this!'....this was her cry!

i went to his house and was shocked to see his health. He was almost a skeleton. I spoke to him for nearly 10 mts. I first said what he does is perfectly correct and one should not eat when he has constipation! He was motivated with these words as all others had tortured him so much that he felt no one is there to agree with him. Then he started talking freely and his memory, analytical skills, mathematical ability, sense of reality etc etc were all fine....he was perfectly a normal man.....he said as per horoscope he will die at 70 and these are the indications that he will die soon... he is 72 now!.....i later called my friend and his mother and told them that he is suffering from a mental disorder called Somatic Delusional Disorder due to decreased neuro transmitter substance secretion and needs the treatment of a psychiatrist....due to isolation, old age and fear of death.....which is common these days with people after 70 yrs of age.......such people appear to be perfectly normal, except for one or more specific issues. As long as that issue is not disturbing their normal life it is ok.....they can come out of it if they understand or significant people understand about causes, remedies etc and help them by giving medication and counselling treatment....otherwise they will reach a state of loosing everything...job, health, etc etc which i mentioned earlier in a mail.....and become a life long burden for others.....moment i said this both my friend and his mother started abusing me that i have gone psycho and said i only need a treatment. They also abused me for categorising him with psychological disorder.

Later his health went further down and he lost the power to resist and therefore was forcibly taken to the nearby hospital....next time when i went they said he is better now after treatment at hospital.....they again abused me saying that gastro surgeon treated him and not the psychiatrist....i asked for the case report....from the medicines recommended and reports i could make out that all checks by gastro surgeon proved normal and finally he was treated by a psychiatrist in the same hospital........ and finally they checked up from the pharmacist due to suspicion and confirmed that it was psychiatrist who has recommended medicines.....but still they are saying that he is not suffering from any psychological disorder and it is only gastro problem....fear of social stigma! To understand this they had spent many tens of thousands!

recently one of my friend here said his father is more than 80 yrs old and does not eat much....but still goes to toilet frequently....spends hrs inside the toilet....this again is delusional disorder!

so friends....in case you find some one who is more than 70 yrs of age and is adamant about a particular belief and whereas all others feel it is not correct....and in all other aspects he is perfectly a normal man......then it is most likely to be delusional disorder......he can be treated and cured with medicines.....
before it become irrecoverable.....

in case you want to know more about this disorder....read the following.....at least read the highlighted and bold lines......

rams

Delusional Disorder

(Also Called 'Paranoid Disorder', 'Psychosis')

 

What is delusional disorder?

Delusional disorder, previously known as paranoid disorder, is a type of serious mental illness—called a “psychosis” – in which a person cannot tell what is real from what is imagined. The main feature of this disorder is the presence of delusions, which are unshakable beliefs in something that is untrue.


People with delusional disorder experience non-bizarre delusions, which involve situations that could occur in real life, such as being followed, poisoned, deceived, conspired against, or loved from a distance. These delusions usually involve the misinterpretation of perceptions or experiences. In reality, however, the situations are either not true at all or highly exaggerated.


People with delusional disorder often can continue to socialize and function quite normally, apart from the subject of their delusion, and generally do not behave in an obviously odd or bizarre manner. This is unlike people with other psychotic disorders, who also might have delusions as a symptom of their disorder. In some cases, however, people with delusional disorder might become so preoccupied with their delusions that their lives are disrupted. Although delusions might be a symptom of more common disorders, such as schizophrenia, delusional disorder itself is rather rare. Delusional disorder most often occurs in middle to late life and is slightly more common in women than in men.

Types of delusional disorder

There are different types of delusional disorder based on the main theme of the delusions experienced. The types of delusional disorder include:

• Erotomanic — Someone with this type of delusional disorder believes that another person, often someone important or famous, is in love with him or her. The person might attempt to contact the object of the delusion, and stalking behavior is not uncommon.
• Grandiose — A person with this type of delusional disorder has an over-inflated sense of worth, power, knowledge, or identity. The person might believe he or she has a great talent or has made an important discovery.
• Jealous — A person with this type of delusional disorder believes that his or her spouse or sexual partner is unfaithful.
• Persecutory — People with this type of delusional disorder believe that they (or someone close to them) are being mistreated, or that someone is spying on them or planning to harm them. It is not uncommon for people with this type of delusional disorder to make repeated complains to legal authorities.
• Somatic — A person with this type of delusional disorder believes that he or she has a physical defect or medical problem.
• Mixed — People with this type of delusional disorder have two or more of the types of delusions listed above.

What are the symptoms of delusional disorder?

The presence of non-bizarre delusions is the most obvious symptom of this disorder. Other symptoms that might appear include:

• An irritable, angry, or low mood
• Hallucinations (seeing, hearing, or feeling things that are not really there) that are related to the delusion (For example, a person who believes he or she has an odor problem may smell a bad odor.)

What causes delusional disorder?

As with many other psychotic disorders, the exact cause of delusional disorder is not yet known. Researchers are, however, looking at the role of various genetic, biological, and environmental or psychological factors.

• Genetic — The fact that delusional disorder is more common in people who have family members with delusional disorder or schizophrenia suggests there might be a genetic factor involved. It is believed that, as with other mental disorders, a tendency to develop delusional disorder might be passed on from parents to their children.
• Biological — Researchers are studying how abnormalities of certain areas of the brain might be involved in the development of delusional disorders. An imbalance of certain chemicals in the brain, called neurotransmitters, also has been linked to the formation of delusional symptoms. Neurotransmitters are substances that help nerve cells in the brain send messages to each other. An imbalance in these chemicals can interfere with the transmission of messages, leading to symptoms.
• Environmental/psychological — Evidence suggests that delusional disorder can be triggered by stress. Alcohol and drug abuse also might contribute to the condition. People who tend to be isolated, such as immigrants or those with poor sight and hearing, appear to be more vulnerable to developing delusional disorder..

How is delusional disorder diagnosed?

If symptoms are present, your doctor will perform a complete medical history and physical examination. Although there are no laboratory tests to specifically diagnose delusional disorder, the doctor might use various diagnostic tests—such as X-rays or blood tests—to rule out physical illness as the cause of your symptoms.SO YOU WILL END UP WITH SPENDING ALL YOUR FORTUNE!

If the doctor finds no physical reason for the symptoms, he or she might refer the person to a psychiatrist or psychologist, health care professionals who are specially trained to diagnose and treat mental illnesses. Psychiatrists and psychologists use specially designed interview and assessment tools to evaluate a person for a psychotic disorder. The doctor or therapist bases his or her diagnosis on the person’s report of symptoms, and his or her observation of the person’s attitude and behavior. The doctor or therapist then determines if the person’s symptoms point to a specific disorder as outlined in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-IV) , which is published by the American Psychiatric Association and is the standard reference book for recognized mental illnesses. According to the DSM-IV , a diagnosis of delusional disorder is made if a person has non-bizarre delusions for at least one month and does not have the characteristic symptoms of other psychotic disorders, such as schizophrenia.

How is delusional disorder treated?

Treatment for delusional disorder most often includes medication and psychotherapy (a type of counseling); however, delusional disorder is highly resistant to treatment with medication alone. People with severe symptoms or who are at risk of hurting themselves or others might need to be in the hospital until the condition is stabilized.
Psychotherapy is the primary treatment for delusional disorder. It provides a safe environment for patients to discuss their symptoms while encouraging healthier and more functional attitudes and behaviors.

Psychosocial treatments

Various psychosocial treatments can help with the behavioral and psychological problems associated with delusional disorder. Through therapy, patients also can learn to control their symptoms, identify early warning signs of relapse, and develop a relapse prevention plan. Psychosocial therapies include the following:

• Individual psychotherapy can help the person recognize and correct the underlying thinking that has become distorted.
• Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) helps the person learn to recognize and change thought patterns and behaviors that lead to troublesome feelings..
• Family therapy can help families deal more effectively with a loved one who has delusional disorder, enabling them to contribute to a better outcome for the person.

Medications

The primary medications used to attempt to treat delusional disorder are called anti-psychotics. Medications include the following:

• Conventional anti-psychotics , also called neuroleptics, have been used to treat mental disorders since the mid-1950s. These medicines work by blocking dopamine receptors in the brain. Dopamine is a neurotransmitter believed to be involved in the development of delusions. Conventional anti-psychotics include chlorpromazine (Thorazine), fluphenazine (Prolixin), haloperidon (Haldol), thiothixene (Navane), trifluoperazine (Stelazine), perphenazine (Trilafon) and thioridazine (Mellaril).
• Newer medications — called atypical anti-psychotic drugs — appear to be more effective in treating the symptoms of delusional disorder. These medications work by blocking dopamine and serotonin receptors in the brain. Serotonin is another neurotransmitter believed to be involved in delusional disorder. These drugs include risperidone (Risperdol), clozapine (Clozaril), quetiapine (Seroquel), ziprasidone (Geodon) and olanzapine (Zyprexa).
• Other medications that might be used to treat delusional disorder include tranquilizers and anti-depressants. Tranquilizers might be used if the person has a very high level of anxiety and/or problems sleeping. Anti-depressants might be used to treat depression, which often occurs in people with delusional disorder.

What are the complications of delusional disorder?

People with delusional disorder might become depressed, often as the result of difficulties associated with the delusions. Acting on the delusions also can lead to violence or legal problems; for example, a person with an erotomanic delusion who stalks or harasses the object of his or her delusion, which could lead to arrest. Further, people with this disorder can eventually become alienated from others, especially if their delusions interfere with or damage their relationships.

What is the outlook for people with delusional disorder?

The outlook for people with delusional disorder varies depending on the person, the type of delusional disorder, and the person’s life circumstances, including the availability of support and a willingness to stick with treatment.

Delusional disorder is typically a chronic (ongoing) condition, but when properly treated, many people with this disorder can find relief from their symptoms. Some people recover completely and others experience episodes of delusional beliefs with periods of remission (lack of symptoms).

Unfortunately, many people with this disorder do not seek help. It often is difficult for people with a mental disorder to recognize that they are not well. They also might be too embarrassed or afraid to seek treatment. Without treatment, delusional disorder can be a lifelong illness.

Can delusional disorder be prevented?

There is no known way to prevent delusional disorder. However, early diagnosis and treatment can help decrease the disruption to the person’s life, family, and friendships.