Hai all…why couples fight?...why
peace goes off at home?...why success gets torn off for people?...why divorces
take place?...Why many love marriages fail?
THE ONE LINE ANSWER IS ‘WE DON’T KNOW
OR NOT SENSITISING OURSELVES ABOUT THE DYNAMICS IN OUR RELATIONSHIP WITH OUR
SPOUSE AT DIFFERENT STAGES IN LIFE’
What are these stages?...they are as
follows…(lecture…lecture…lecccccccccture…(laughing))
1.
Love
period before marriage (whether arranged or love marriage)
2.
Life
after marriage but before birth of children
3.
Life
after birth of children but before children reach 13 years of age.
4.
Life
when the children are in their teen age
5.
Life
after all the children leave home for studies or marriage
The first step
of peace and happiness starts once we understand that there are five different
stages in life and the dynamics is different in each of these stages.
First stage….During
this stage the two people meet each other. Get stormed by the beauty of the
other person. They are floating in air. They admire and adore each other. Talk
too much. Move around. Share many things. Adapt well as the attraction is toooo
much and this masks the differences. Both are totally free. No
responsibilities.They sing, dance, tour and discover that both are fun loving
people.
Second stage…After
marriage they start living separately or with parents. Issues like cooking,
cleaning house, washing utensils, washing clothes and keeping in place,
ironing, handling other people at home, cutting veggies, attending functions of
each other’s relatives etc take away most of their time. Many do not like these
routine, robotic house hold chores. Even if they like, get bored after some
time. Male dominated culture does not allow man to do all the above. Nowadays
some of the boys help their wives, good. There is no change in work times or
office responsibilities before and after marriage. But it appears to the other
person that the other person works more at office after marriage. So,
frustrating and tiring house hold chores, who will do first, who will do what,
I can’t do this, servant not there etc falls in between the romance and love
dynamics between the two. They feel life
miserable. They also feel that the other person is no more a fun loving person,
no singing, no dancing, person has changed, we got cheated, less outing, less
involvment in everything etc.
Third stage….after
the children are born the lady’s job increases exponentially compared to the
man. She is required to spend more time in grooming, studies of children,
social issues of children etc. Chirdren are generally glued to the moms or
parents mostly. So, they take away more time and energy. If both of them are
working and ambitious then further problems. If no help from parents then this
adds fuel to the fire. Responsibilities at home and office tries to sink both
and almost there is no time for fun, romance and family time.
These above
two stages are the most stressful as both are new to the game, still young to
have only fun and not ready to take responsibilities and chores of living and
life, peak expectations from each other etc. When the expectations are not
fulfilled, frustration starts, hate starts, they start abusing, fighting and
the divorce papers are filed.
In love marriages
the love starts first before the marraige, expectations are built up to
mountain sizes, get married and when the ‘responsibilities’ of above two stages
break their bones and brains not allowing to full fill each other’s
expectations, they give up!!!
In arranged
marriages love is expected to start after marriage. So, love starts growing
with responsibilities in married life. The love spark, attraction and engulfing
flame for each other makes them to adapt to the responsibilities and cooperate
with each other in house chores. In some cases ifs and buts may be there, but
the ship sails stable comparatively.
So, if lovers
understand the dynamics above then even love marriages can be like arranged
marriages.
If arranged
marriages are love marriages too then nothing like it.
Fourth stage…the
dynamics here is different…children have attained teen age…this is a stage when
the children spend more time with friends as they need friends and not parents.
They come to their parents only when they have needs. Handling the children,
aspirations, competitions in education, adolescent behaviours etc also require
the attention, time, coordinated effort and energy of both the spouse. When the
children are in their teens the parents are nearly forty or above. Their
professional demands / competitions are at peak as friends and juniors
supercede now. Health problems crop up to both. So, again they feel the other
person has changed and cheated.
Fifth stage…children
get married and leave home…now the nest is empty. If the lady was uneducated or
not interested in working and believed that life is only giving birth to
children and grooming they she gets affected to the chore as there is no job to
her now. She suddenly feels empty. Misses happiness out of giving love to
children and getting love from children. Husband spends max time on work and
comes very late. No love from husband too. Menopause issues for both. Fighting
starts. Divorce or accept the life and go on. Further aging leads to further
changes in interests, health issues, etc. To reduce the length of the mail I stop here.
So, the crux
is….
1.
We
need to understand the dynamics during each stage. This solves 50% problems.
2.
It
is not the person changes. It is the dynamics in each stage makes the person to
perform to that changed stage.Careful planning, talking to find suitable
solutions, seeking help of elders can keep their fun, romance flame burning and
finding time for each other throughout their life.Saves marriages. Reduces
divorces.
rams
