'work, family, equality are inseparable. This is the basic concept of origin of civilization. If they are separated then peace, happiness, good physical-mental-social health can not exist!!'

Dear all...THIS IS FOR ALL PARENTS AND COLLEGE STUDENTS...THIS IS AN IMPORTANT POST ABOUT LOVE AND MARRIAGE...

Many hundred years back, when civilization started, people did farming and as technology developed various other professions like carpentry, smithy etc came in. So, people started doing many other professions.

All those who did the same profession lived together to reap the benefits, both in profession and day-to-day living. If we closely observe their life following things clearly emerge...

1. Profession was their main stay of living as it gave their livelihood.

2. their home and work place were integrated together.

3. They worshiped their job, got lost in it, did it with creativity and passion, were fully involved in it and therefore enjoyed doing it.

4. There was almost no fixed time for their job...they did it all the time...they also took rest and breaks and got involved in family issues too.

5. They married people within the same profession meaning 'they can live together'...mainly the married couple can live together.

6. Girls at home were also involved in the profession at some level or the other.

(till this period of civilization everything went on well and defined very clearly the basic ingredients for healthy way of living)

7. Various castes took birth from this way of living. I.e castes were named after professions they did, to identify them and their clan.

8. All these happened before the religions came into existence.

Religions and caste took different shapes and forms in their evolution when power mongers and rulers came in the form of politicians, religious leaders etc, many rules and regulations were brought in, social customs got roped in, stigmas were attached to girls, social evils got formed and life became a torture and earth became a hell!!

But over the years many other professions originated and slowly people started moving away from their village, home etc. Work place and place of living got separated and became different. Equality of men and women got changed. People were not involved in their work and went to organisations only to earn money for their family living. Revolution in education also made people leave homes at an early age in life. Booming technology, job opportunities, economy, life style, thinking above life and living, freedom of speech, mixing of cultures etc. So, families got affected. Peace, happiness and health both in families and work place got lost.

But still the power mongers are same and most of the people and societies have not changed in their way of living, match making, marriages, definition of family, home, living, working etc.

People of same caste are not doing their caste-profession any more. People of same profession are not living together any more. Therefore, castes have lost their meaning in true sense. They are only on paper and in the minds of the sensitized people and not in actual day-to-day living and life.

But people still insist on caste, religion, fake projections about people on money, wealth, education, job, salary etc and have deviated far away from the basics of healthy and happy living, both in profession and family life.

They match a boy and a girl who are in different professions...work at different organisations...live far away from each other...and force the soft target, i.e the girl to resign and come back and start living her family life, sacrificing her passion, goals, aims, objectives, dreams etc and live her life with an unknown guy with different of 'everything'.

so, the crux is...our ancestors defined it clearly that 'work, family, equality of both sexes and living...the places and dynamics....can not be separated. They are one inside the other. If they are separated then family, work, happiness, good health, peace, good relationships can not exist!!'

Therefore...

1. Work, place of work, definition of life, living, goals, passion, objectives of life, aims, dreams etc of both the boy and girl should match. Else they will not be able to live together peacefully, understand each other and make a healthy family, healthy offspring and their life would be a colossal waste!!

2. Caste and religion are redundant social evils still being used by power mongers and separatists to divide and rule people, societies, spoil the peace-happiness-health-relationships etc in the life of individuals and families, homes, married life etc for self motives.

3. Good human beings are important for living peacefully, happily and healthily than caste and religion.

4. There is a need to integrate the work place and place of living. They can be close-by or same. If not the ideal state, at least we need to bring in changes in organisations and homes, the way we live, the way we cook, do chores, manage our day to living needs, raising family etc to take them as close as possible towards complete integration of work, personal living and family living.

5. Keeping the work away from family life is not possible...i.e 'I am coming to office and work only to earn money for my family living. So, i will only do what ever work you give me. I will only work during specific working hours' etc will not work out, as this came in-between in evolution of 'office, work, organisations, family living' etc when organisations and homes were separated. Total involvement both in body and mind while being at office and home, being creative, being mixed completely with work and family (the way people lived during beginning of civilization) is essential for survival of individuals in jobs and organisations in the business, in the present and future competitive market scenario.

Peacefully yours....rams...Health Psychologist.

'sir, my daughter studying in college is in love with a boy. I am worried, scared and feel painful. What to do?'

Dear all...THIS IS FOR PARENTS WHO ARE SCARED OR WHO THINK THAT THEIR DAUGHTER OR SON IS IN LOVE WITH SOME ONE...

Typical Indian movie parents like reactions will only lead to everything that the parent does not want to hear and see. So, parents need to exercise patience, positive emotions-thinking and behaviours. Planning strategies and negative thinking will only lead to damages.

Creating a social environment at home where in the ward can speak and discuss any issue under the sky with the parents and siblings openly at ease without any inhibition, doubts, discomfort etc is important. If such an environment is not there then the parents have to put in little more effort to handle the case, that is all!!...Nothing is impossible!!

They may be told to remain as good friends for about 8 to 10 years from the day they have proposed (irrespective of the age at which they propose) without any physical intimacies, promises and commitments...support each other in their passion, goals, ambitions...understand their likes, dislikes etc...

also they may be told to design an exercise regime which has all the five types of exercises, eat healthy foods, do yoga, meditation etc...they may learn it properly and practice...

1. 8 to 10 years is a good time-endurance for the two to decide their priorities, path, likes and dislikes, matching personality traits, place of studies and work, their definition of life-living-sharing of responsibilities etc

2. If the attraction is due to weak body/mind then the healthy food and exercises-yoga-meditation will make their body and mind strong, come out of the obsession etc.

3. During this long time, the changes in the climate, environment, place of living, the people they meet might change their minds/understanding of life, people, living, priorities etc.

4. Growing, aging, maturing of body and mind makes them understand relationships, life, world around, living etc.

5. Parents and siblings of both sides get adequate time to understand both, their relationships, their relatives, family belief systems, culture, traditions etc.

6. Even after this period if both of them love each other and decide to make a living together, make a family, produce children, rear them etc then nothing can be done. It is better to allow them with green signal.

7. 20 to 30 is the period when people suffer in new job, new place, new people, new culture, new climate, new projects, new teams and team members, new production targets, adaptation challenge to food-language, ambitions, goals, promotions etc.

If they get married then handling new person, making the relationship, handling the new rituals, relatives, ceremonies, family environment, pregnancy, child birth, rearing etc becomes a big additional burden which is highly stressful, burning out etc. So, it is wiser to settle down in job and then take on the other stressful responsibility of marriage and related stuff.

There are many....

1. Who marry before getting a job, settling down, against the parents, suffer a lot and some are not able to endure this process.

2. Those who make decisions, promises and commitments in haste, in emotions, obsession etc realize that they made wrong decisions in life and either leave or accept and pull on with heavy compromises, sacrifices and suffering.

3. If one feels 'wrong selection' and the other feels 'right selection' then it leads to complications.

So, 'patience' and 'time' are two important factors in decisions related to love, marriage, home-making etc.

Peacefully yours...rams...

'sir, why people do not agree with me on my beliefs, truth and do not allow me to live the way i want to live with truth?'

Dear all...THIS IS FOR ALL THOSE WHO THINK THEY ARE RIGHT AND OTHERS ARE WRONG...

The biggest mind problem with people is...

When we THINK FANTASIES and try to live that in REALITY there is a problem and we suffer.

Because FANTASIES are what Nature tells us as right and they are driven by Nature in to our heart/head for us to be happy and enjoy the LIFE.

REALITY is the fact in front of us where we LIVE amidst the social systems that we have created (and not by Nature) called family, marriage, society, school, college, office etc.

We are products of Nature and therefore we blend with things and thinking of Nature. Everything that is Natural gives us happiness, peace, pleasure and contentment.

Therefore, FANTASIES are Natural and Truth. REALITY is artificial and man made. We, being Nature, want to live in Nature as created by the FANTASIES.

Children live in their fantasy world they create and therefore are happy and they never want to live in reality as it affects their happiness.

Now what to do?...How to live peacefully, happily, contented with pleasure inside our minds?

THINK REALITY and live in FANTASIES!!....Then no one knows and nothing happens. you are happy. Others are also happy. No one is hurt.

So, the crux or the punch line for life is...

"Don't think Fantasies and try to live in Reality in our Culture and Society. Think Reality and live in Fantasies"...Otherwise move on to a place to change the Culture and Society around you...or change-the-culture-and-society where you live in!!

Peacefully yours....rams...

the door step to enter a girl's heart and body!!

Dear all...THIS IS FOR FUTURE PARENTS AND PRESENT ADULTS...

The concept and our (great) Indian culture of kitchen, cooking, cleaning, washing, house chores, home shopping are the domain of girls and demeaning for boys had kept the boys away from the girl’s heart in the past.

They did not know that these are the doors through which they can enter the heart of a girl and they always tried it on bed but could never succeed entering their heart. Our ‘ego’ centric culture for men with the coveted(??) majestic position and status as ‘Head of family!’, ‘bread winner’ ‘decision maker’ etc only brought head-weight, anger, power and authority on his head and even if love was present, could not be sensed or accepted by the girl properly and fully.

In the present and future way of living where the girl also is equally qualified, intelligent, hard working, ambitious, tired physically and mentally when she comes home, the old concept will miserably fail and such a marriage will 200% fail in no time!!

So, boys...understand that...participating in the above activities is not a drudgery or ‘not-a-man-like-stuff’ etc...it is the most important and true ‘foreplay’ and door steps to enter her heart and body. Compromises and sacrifices in these, though are small, can make a big impact in the understanding between the two, formation of a good bondage, love and affection etc. This is a must especially in the first two years of married relationship. Else good bondage is remote!!

Peacefully and usefully yours...Rams...Health Psychologist!!

some punch lines....

"Don't live the BODY, MONEY, WEALTH, FAKE STATUS/PROJECTION based culture that our fathers have set up, live the WISDOM, KNOWLEDGE, HEALTH, HAPPINESS, PEACE and EXPERIENCE based life their forefathers have set up!!"............Rams!!

"Good human beings might appear to be innocent, losers, not smart etc in the Profit & Loss account, but will standout to be ultimate winners in the Balance Sheet of Life"............Rams!!

What is happening around the world and how to keep our self safe, peaceful, happy and healthy!!

Dear all...THIS IS FOR ALL...

All the researches in the world are for increasing COMFORTS and PLEASURE!!... All the business organisations are researching to find out the human mind, human psychology, group psychology as to how to drive people and societies to fear, image seeking, identity seeking, pleasure seeking, making them into addicts into all sorts of pleasures, highly negatively emotional, differentiating, hating, running behind money, wealth, fame, power, authority etc in immoral and unethical means.

This is leading the world to lots of demand for medicinal and pleasure drugs. Opportunity for the exploiters, greed, wars, terrorism, power mongers, strategists, fake gurus etc. This benefits the service organisations also as they get many patients to hospitals, loan seekers to banks/rich people, scared people go to insurance companies and the list is endless.

With this back ground you can imagine what is happening around the world and how human minds and bodies are exploited by unethical, intelligent and highly educated people in all walks of life.

If all the people in the world are peaceful, happy, healthy, contented, self actualised, self transcending etc then imagine the condition of the earth!...Do you think the technology development and science development and improvement in engineering sciences will come to a halt?...No!!

Researches can always progress towards HAPPINESS, instead of PLEASURE. Researches towards comforts and pleasure will destroy the earth, nature, peace, happiness and good health. Researches towards happiness will improve nature, save earth, bring peace, happiness and health.

CONTENTMENT in pleasures and pleasure sources is a must. Contentment in acquiring wisdom, learning, experiences, knowledge, skills, increasing the competency levels in skills should not be there...it will not lead to urges...it will only lead to inquisitiveness, interest and eagerness without anxiety to positive experience, to know answers for the unknown and this will continue due to the drive of the sixth sense. All other senses will drive the human beings to pleasure and sixth sense can be made to drive towards happiness.

It is high time that we come out of the living, life and culture based on BODY, PLEASURES, MONEY AND WEALTH and create a living, life, society and culture based on HAPPINESS, HEALTH AND PEACE.

Let us become wiser....

Peacefully yours....Rams....Health Psychologist.

what do we need?...Religion? or High funda spiritualisam?...or simple knowledge as to how to live peacefully, healthily and happily??

good one...yes, west asia and other places does not require religions now for living...they need only spiritual freedom, wisdom, simple education as to how to live peacefully, happily and healthily....the correct definition of purpose life...Rams!!

What makes Indian MARRIAGES and FAMILY LIVING painful, scary, complicated?....Part - II

Dear all...THIS IS FOR PRESENT AND FUTURE PARENTS...regarding marriage of children...Part - II....(Part - I is reproduced at the end for the benefit of those who have not read Part - I)

How they match the boy and the girl?

1. By horoscope match.
2. By physical appearance.

How they decide?

Those who give too much of importance to horoscope go by that. Those who give more importance to matches listed at Part - I compromise on horoscope.

Every one in the family and close relatives has his/her own agenda of ‘needs, wants and expectations’ of self in any marriage. There are too many stake holders who decide a match/marriage and the dynamics is complex.

What they believe in?...An AVERAGE Indian parent believes in the following with respect to MARRIAGES IN INDIA.

1. Once the families match, then marriage will be happy and successful.

2. Matching of/for parents of both sides is more important.

3. Every one born on this earth has to get married.

4. Somehow, even by telling lies, a match should be made and marriage should be conducted if they are ok with the other ‘party’.

5. Once marriage is done, all agreements and assurances can be changed and compromised (i.e between in-laws, between the boy and girl, between the in-laws and the boy/girl).

6. Sex, physical intimacy needs and children can keep a marriage going and make a marriage successful for entire life.

7. Birth of a child can change the dynamics of a family or relationships.

8. Marriage is (more of) ‘marriage of families, wealth, money, caste, religion, power, status, authority, relatives’.

9. Children are innocent, don’t know how to find a match for them, can get easily cheated and therefore the parents have to involve/interfere from beginning of marriage, after the marriage and to end of the life of children.

10. Lots of cheating is always there in any marriage and therefore one has to be smart and careful.

11. It is a sort of business and therefore ‘smart talks and moves’ are important to get the best deal and be a winner.

12. Children can be ‘explained’ ‘brainwashed’ ‘convinced’ ‘forced’ ‘changed after marriage’ ‘made to compromise and sacrifice’ if every one in family agrees and matches are satisfactory for them.

13. Strategies (to tackle people, events, relationships) are part and parcel and backbone of any marriage from the beginning to end.

14. The two people living in wedlock inside four walls without any ‘leakages’ is the meaning of successful marriage. Every one should praise the couple as ‘made-for-each other’ and parents for selecting and conducting the marriage in a grand manner.

15. Marriage life involves fights, difference in opinions and all sorts of negative surprises, unpredictable eventualities etc between the boy and girl and between the families. This is normal.

16. Customs, traditions, rituals, ceremonials, caste and religion etc are first and foremost in any marriage.

17. If a marriage fails, it is due to the children and in-laws.

18. Their life is entirely dependent on their children. They have given their wealth for the education and marriage of their children. So, the children have to look after the parents, fulfill the dreams of their parents and the siblings, the education, marriage and ritual financial needs of their siblings etc. This is the responsibility of the children towards the parents and family.

19. What ‘others’ say is more important and ‘what others say’ plays a key role in decisions of the parents, more than the words of their children and the thinking of their own.

20. ‘Marriage’ is the most important thing and nothing else is more important, highest priority in Indian way of living and in every Indian’s life and therefore, it forms the symbol and fulcrum of life, living, family, society, religion, culture, customs and traditions of the villages, cities, state and the country. Making money and wealth forms the next priority in life after marriage. Everything else like education, passion, goals, hobbies, to be an achiever, fame etc come after these two (at least for girls of this country).

21. All Indian movies are not about LOVE but about MARRIAGES.

22. Marriage is not just an event, but the prestige of a family, ‘izzat’ of the individual-family and the clan, a game changer of a family, a symbol of status and wealth of a family. Marriage is not just an important event between a boy and a girl but the most important life happening of many, a family, a village.

So, the crux is...

1. We have made (or In our culture) MARRIAGE and FAMILY as the most important social systems of our life and every day living.

2. MONEY and WEALTH making for MARRIAGE and FAMILY, for day-to-day living and status as the purpose of life.

3. BODY need satiation and meeting of MIND needs which are linked to body and cultural beliefs is the motto of life, living and relationships.

4. We have made them dependent on far too many people involving too many decisions, too many people to be satisfied with, too many things to be compromised and sacrificed with, occupying our prime years of youth, adulthood and life.

5. This complicated and inter/intra conflicting (contradicting) network or 'kichdi' issues have made our life after 20 too complicated, stressful, miserable and difficult. Marriages and family living have suffered due to the above.

More about Indian marriages and solutions will follow...

(Part I is below this...)

Peacefully yours....rams....Health Psychologist...

Dear all...THIS IS FOR ALL PARENTS...(people above 13 also can read to educate their parents)!!

As per the request of one of my friends, here are some posts related to the marriage...This is Part-I.

What is the biggest burden, responsibility and headache, pain, pleasure and happiness of an 'AVERAGE' Indian Parent?
MARRIAGE OF THEIR CHILDREN!!!

Producing and growing them up is enjoyed by them and therefore they enjoy this responsibility, though 'marriage' is at the back of their minds always. But irrespective of rich or poor or middle class family, marriage is considered as a big responsibility, pleasurable pain etc due to the anxieties and uncertainties involved.

Why it is a big burden for them? (especially for the parents having girl children)

Because they PERCEIVE the following...

1. It involves lots of money (expenditure in conduct of marriage, gold/ornaments, car, house hold items, house/flat, subsequent expenditure during festivals, child birth and other things given as dowry (unofficially) etc) so they feel they have to earn great money and wealth.

2. They have to find a matching FAMILY agreeable to all in the family and relatives. (match of religion, caste, sub-caste, horoscope, educational status, wealth status, financial status, power and authority in society, ego match, personality characteristics match, every one should talk good about them and their family (past and present), their relatives should be good and matching with their status, they should be able to visit their house/stay if required, family size and dependence of family members on the boy/girl for finances.

3. They have to find a boy who is highly educated, earning good salary, handsome and fair looking, and acceptable to their daughter etc within the several restrictions listed above (or an educated, homely, fair, beautiful looking, well employed and high earning girl).

4. Conducting the marriage involves lots of running around, talks, anxieties, expenditures etc.

5. From ‘deciding to find a match for their children’ to ‘settling down after the marriage’ takes years and involves anxiety moments full of stress and surprises, fear of unknown etc.

6. They unconsciously worry about their own life after the marriage after the expenditure, leaving of children from home etc.

7. The options/chances of finding a perfect match in all aspects is very less due to too many rules, regulations, restrictions they follow.

8. There are far too many decisions, far too many differences in opinions, far too many people to be convinced, managing finances....all these are too difficult, stressful, hopelessness, peace-happiness and health spoilers and therefore arranging and conducting a marriage is a herculean, life time task for them. But they feel it is their highest and most important responsibility and so suffer their entire life thinking about conducting marriage of their wards.

Hmmm...Can you see how complicated we have made this issue?...

Also we have made our individual and family life too complicated that we don't have peace. The reasons are...

1. Far too many people having equal importance, priority and decision making authority.
2. Far too many expectations, restrictions, rules and regulations.
3. One side becomes too greedy to exploit the other side.
4. Marriage is a sort of unwritten financial, emotional, social business deal.
5. We always plan it bigger than our stretchable limits.

More will follow...

Peacefully yours....rams....Health Psychologist

'sir, i have two small children and belong to middle class family. I am scared of their marriage!!'....Part - I

Dear all...THIS IS FOR ALL PARENTS...(people above 13 also can read to educate their parents)!!

As per the request of one of my friends, here are some posts related to the marriage...This is Part-I.

What is the biggest burden, responsibility and headache, pain, pleasure and happiness of an 'AVERAGE' Indian Parent?

MARRIAGE OF THEIR CHILDREN!!!

Producing and growing them up is enjoyed by them and therefore they enjoy this responsibility, though 'marriage' is at the back of their minds always. But irrespective of rich or poor or middle class family, marriage is considered as a big responsibility, pleasurable pain etc due to the anxieties and uncertainties involved.

Why it is a big burden for them? (especially for the parents having girl children)

Because they PERCEIVE the following...

1. It involves lots of money (expenditure in conduct of marriage, gold/ornaments, car, house hold items, house/flat, subsequent expenditure during festivals, child birth and other things given as dowry (unofficially) etc) so they feel they have to earn great money and wealth.

2. They have to find a matching FAMILY agreeable to all in the family and relatives. (match of religion, caste, sub-caste, horoscope, educational status, wealth status, financial status, power and authority in society, ego match, personality characteristics match, every one should talk good about them and their family (past and present), their relatives should be good and matching with their status, they should be able to visit their house/stay if required, family size and dependence of family members on the boy/girl for finances.

3. They have to find a boy who is highly educated, earning good salary, handsome and fair looking, and acceptable to their daughter etc within the several restrictions listed above (or an educated, homely, fair, beautiful looking, well employed and high earning girl).

4. Conducting the marriage involves lots of running around, talks, anxieties, expenditures etc.

5. From ‘deciding to find a match for their children’ to ‘settling down after the marriage’ takes years and involves anxiety moments full of stress and surprises, fear of unknown etc.

6. They unconsciously worry about their own life after the marriage after the expenditure, leaving of children from home etc.

7. The options/chances of finding a perfect match in all aspects is very less due to too many rules, regulations, restrictions they follow.

8. There are far too many decisions, far too many differences in opinions, far too many people to be convinced, managing finances....all these are too difficult, stressful, hopelessness, peace-happiness and health spoilers and therefore arranging and conducting a marriage is a herculean, life time task for them. But they feel it is their highest and most important responsibility and so suffer their entire life thinking about conducting marriage of their wards.

Hmmm...Can you see how complicated we have made this issue?...Also we have made our individual and family life too complicated that we don't have peace. The reasons are...

1. Far too many people having equal importance, priority and decision making authority.

2. Far too many expectations, restrictions, rules and regulations.

3. One side becomes too greedy to exploit the other side.

4. Marriage is a sort of unwritten financial, emotional, social business deal.

5. We always plan it bigger than our stretchable limits.

More will follow...

Peacefully yours....rams....Health Psychologist

'Sir, I always need people around me, I keep falling in love with many, But i am not successful in any relationship, I am scared. Why...why..why i am like this??'

Dear all...THIS IS MAINLY FOR THOSE ABOVE 20 YEARS...i.e future parents...(but those above 13 also can read to know why they are like what they are now!)

Most of us suffer as adults due to various reasons. Many suffer in relationships but they cannot live without people and relationships. Many also know the reasons, or know that they are the reason for the suffering, but unable to do anything....why???

From the day the first cell of ours is formed in the embryo, the manufacturing of the product has started. Though the fundamental base of the product gets completed by 20, the shape and characteristics of the product keeps getting changed for entire life due to ageing, weathering and maturing. During this process of manufacturing till 20, all the genetic and environmental influences affect the way we are manufactured. This affects us throughout our life.

Our past affects our present. Those who forget history are doomed to repeat it. This holds good for individuals too. Though we may repress very early experiences (thus we do not remember them), the theory is that the "id" never forgets the experiences!!

As a child if we had been rewarded with sweets, even today when matured and grown up, we reach out for the tub of ice-cream whenever we are depressed and we want cheering up (so the defense mechanism of depression, of eating what we like, mostly the unhealthy junk food, due to sedentary life style of ours, results in obesity, which adds to the depression further, and becomes another big 'mania' issue to be handled separately)

So, the crux is....

What we are now, who we are now, depends upon our life experiences in our manufacturing process. From the first cell to about 20 years of age what decides our manufacture?...

Good healthy nourishing food by mother (before birth), good physical-mental and social health and general stress free, peaceful, contented, happy and healthy life style of mother (before birth), lots of love and affection experienced/perceived by mother from environment and people around (before birth), type of delivery (perfect normal or forceps or cesarean), nourishing food, love and affection, right learning experiences, right developmental challenges in each stage of life and support from people around to come out successfully with positive learning and maturing to age, health-happiness and peace state of family/home, presence of all types of relationships and the dynamics in them, presence of factors in growing (i.e exercises for the body, mind and relationships) that increases the Intelligent Quotient, Emotional Quotient , Spiritual Quotient (understanding of life, mind, mental processes, positive psychology, life processes, society, environment, purpose of life and living, how to be cool, calm, happy, peaceful, balanced, focused, positively energetic, pepped up with high self concept-self esteem-self confidence, handling life situations-people and relationships with positive energy and emotions)....alllll these decide who we are or what we are when we reach the age of 20 years.

Any shortfalls in this process will affect us and create a personality in us that is damaging to us and others who are close us for the entire life!!....For e.g those who lacked love and affection, support in facing challenges, felt insecure during the process of development will always search and run for love and affection from people throughout their life!!

Peacefully yours...Rams...Health Psychologist!!

'Sir, i am most of the time sad in my life. Why?...Is life a mixture of sadness and happiness?...Can't we have only happiness?...Are contrasts important to understand the value of positives?'

Dear all...THIS IS FOR ALL...Why are we sad?...Is life both a mixture of happiness and sadness?...Why so?....How to be happy always??

All of us have some issue or the other at any time which bugs us. The issue is either from OUR BODY or OUR MIND or inside these two. Body and mind influence each other positively or negatively.

We have three types of minds inside us. CONSCIOUS MIND is the superficial part which makes us AWARE about what is happening around us at that moment.

Some mental contents are not currently at the level of AWARENESS. But they can reach to the awareness level fairly easily. This is called PRECONSCIOUS MIND.

Mental contents that can be brought to awareness only with great difficulty are in the UNCONSCIOUS or SUBCONSCIOUS MIND which generally affects the state of our conscious mind and makes us sad. e.g Many say 'I am not happy. I don't know if i am sad. But me and my life are not alright. I don't know the reason. I suppose life is full of both sadness and happiness. Hmmmm!!'

All the mental processes or covert (unseen) behaviours that occur in these three minds only manifest as overt observable behaviours by movement or muscles of various parts of the body. If these minds process issues that are positive and in a positive manner, then positive behaviours occur and positive emotions emerge as the resultant. This is good for our body, minds and our social relationships as it leads to peace, happiness, good physical-mental and social health, contentment and self-actualisation path. This leads to good life and living.

But what happens?

Most of the time we are sad. Our conscious mind is not healthy for a short or prolonged time or repeatedly. Why?

All of us have an unconscious mind. All the evils (i.e things that are bad for us as per our perceptions...not just those defined by society as evils!!) in what our body sensors sense from our surroundings go inside our unconscious mind, beyond the control of our conscious mind, and they influence all that our conscious mind mulls and munches. Unconscious mind is the main reason for the state of our conscious mind.

Feelings held in the unconscious mind are often too painful to be faced. So, our body and mind come up with DEFENSE mechanisms to protect us. e.g sometimes we resort to DENIAL because we are unable to accept a tragic event as having occurred and keep on stating that it had not occurred.

But truly the defences are wrong and cause more harm than good immediately or progressively or in a long run. They affect our body and mind. So, we get affected more and more, suffer, cry, feel sad, feel frustrated and do not know what to do.

When we use the therapeutic approaches, we bring to surface the deep true feelings which are unknown to us and residing deep inside the unconscious mind (the crap, garbage and evils which have gone inside) we can experience them and understand them. Once we become aware of what is really going on in our mind, then the feelings will not be as painful.

So, the crux is....

We have created a society or way of living (culture) around us which has more evils i.e negatives to our body and mind. Let us define our life and living our way of living, i.e our culture, our CONSTITUTION OF LIFE in a way that will keep our body and mind happy and healthy without affecting others an society and within the legal framework. Blaming others and society or culture is not a solution.

Let our PERCEPTIONS OR UNDERSTANDING about everything be positive. Nothing is right or wrong or correct. 'anything perceived negative is not correct/true/right for US'...that is all!...

Brain always processes information, converts the raw data sensed by the sensors and then stores that as the LEARNING experience. If these are negative, then any time we see or come across or experience the same life situations, or people or relationships, the brain retrieves the same negative learning stored and causes negative thinking negative behaviours and negative emotions. So, we feel sad or frustrated. Let us UNLEARN and correct the stored perceptions into positives so that brain always perceives positives and we are always happy and healthy, our relationships are good and we always think good about people important for us.

Let us know the methods, by which we can bring to surface the deep feelings residing in the conscious mind, so that we experience them, understand them and feel light and less painful.

Peacefully yours...Rams...Health Psychologist!!

'sir, my son is childish at 22 and not getting any job! My daughter is not willing to marry!...My another daughter is unable to cope up with married life!'

Dear all....THIS IS FOR PARENTS...AND FUTURE PARENTS...

At our homes we have seen parents cribbing 'Woff. My son/daughter is not grown and matured to his/her age!...Still behaving immature and childish. Not being responsible. I don't know what to do!'

The blame goes to the parents for not exposing them to the Developmental Tasks appropriate to each stage in life so that they learn, acquire the skill sets and experience to face the challenges of daily living by themselves.

When they are exposed to the challenges unarmed with their learning value, resources like knowledge, skills and past experience, they fear and avoid. Blaming them is of no use. Forcing them results in catastrophe.

So, every challenge is a training and we have to expose, teach and train them to face it, so that the child moves on to the next stage in life comfortably and smoothly.

In general the stages are up to 15 days from birth, 2 years, 4 years, 8 years, 13 years, 18 years, 40 years, 60 years and above 80 years.

The above shows that we face different challenges in life in all dimensions at different stages in life. The challenges from inside are due to growing, maturing, aging, evolving, ailments, sickness, diseases, surgeries etc. The challenges from outside are due to social systems like schools, colleges, hostel living, organisations, job, threats from society, marriage, family, relationships, people etc.

Some sudden life changes like death of parents, siblings, grand parents, spouse, loss of job, failure of marriage, breach of trust between close relationships, love failure, break-ups etc make a person mature faster and they become early maturer. When not exposed and trained adequately to face the developmental tasks (challenges appropriate to the age), they become late maturer.

This is why people are not ready to go to school, colleges, hostels, not able to make healthy relationships, not able to get jobs ('mama boys'), not ready to marry, not able to cope up with marriage life, not able to handle multiple things like job, family, relationships, break up easily, get depressed, unable to handle child birth and grooming, unable to handle shocks like loss of job, death of family members etc.

So, the crux is...

On the name of giving love and affection the children should not be made 'not grown and matured' to age, not made dependent on others for trivial things of that age, scared to face the challenges and world. They should be exposed and trained to face the challenges of future in all dimensions of life.

Peacefully yours...rams...

How we can avoid and win a dreadful disease with our own changes in life style, thinking, belief systems etc.....

Dear all...

These days many get cancer as cancer has become a Life Style Disease. I.e our life style of stress brings down our immunity and cancer cells which are always present start dominating. This can be cured by our will power, medicines, changes in life style (of course, can be avoided by following a disease resistant life style), changing our belief systems, mental structures, thinking, positive psychological methods, food, our relationships with others etc etc.

Below is the post of my friend, whose mother came out of cancer recently.

My comment is here....." whavvvvvvvvv....that is fantastic brother!!...It is so nice of you that you brought out this fact that 'cancer can be won'. It is a myth and wrong belief that once you get cancer, you can not survive and fast death is imminent. It would be nice and useful to all if you bring out what all thinking, emotions and behaviours she followed to come out of the illness. Well done . Keep it up. I am sure she would not have come out without the help and support of people around like you. So, good job done my bro!!".......Rams...Peacefully yours....Health Psychologist!!

what my friend has written is here...

"My mother, who has been also a teacher for many of my friends was declared free of Cancer recently....She struggled with a malignant tumor in stomach for many years, underwent many many chemo therapies.... but She fought....and Fought well... and has won ......!! I hope this provides encouragement to others living with similar situation.....Just do not give up...!!"

THIS IS FOR ALL WHO FEEL 'WHY PEOPLE KEEP FIGHTING WITH ME, CRITICIZING ME, SHOUTING AT ME, MOCKING AT ME ALWAYS'?

Dear all...THIS IS FOR ALL WHO FEEL 'WHY PEOPLE KEEP FIGHTING WITH ME, CRITICIZING ME, SHOUTING AT ME, MOCKING AT ME ALWAYS'?

None of us can live alone on this earth for a long time. We need people. We need love and affection. We need the feeling of acceptance. We need hugs and kisses. We need a lap. We need a shoulder. We need the mother's bosom.

The first feeling of love and affection a child gets and learns moment it enters the world is the mother's hug, warmth and her kiss and her silent words with tears in her eyes 'You are my baby. I am there for you always. You are always protected. You are safe in my arms, hugs and bosom. You are never alone on this earth.I am always with you. Your ground under your feet is always me. The roof on top of your head is always me. Never worry. I am always there to protect you!'. Therefore, every organism keeps wandering throughout its life for these hugs, kisses, lap, the bosom of security and safety, caring and love and affection.

Ok, now coming to the topic, No one can live alone and they need people. The word family can be now redefined as 'consisting of people without whom we feel we can not live, who give us the motherly love, fatherly love and love and affection of siblings, friendships, spouse, lover, soulmate and all the relationships'.

We want Love from all these people and love means 'caring' for all our needs, wants, desires and expectations. They also need the same from us, every time and always. Every one does not get all the relationships in reality, always, and so we expect or try to perceive multiple relationships, multiple forms of love, multiple forms of caring from one or few individuals whom we have got in our life. This results in stress in body, mind and relationships.

This change in definition is important when families consist of only one person (in reality in practical sense) and professional relationships have crossed their barriers as we spend more time, face more challenges in offices, need more caring and support at office, passion-goals-success-aims etc have occupied our brains more (which is right) and truly people outside the homes give more caring and help us to realise the caring i explained above.

Actually family is collective body of persons who live in one house and under one roof or head which includes parents, children, grand parents etc. But we can include all those who matter to us in a long term in this family concept.

Families are integrated systems. Change in one member will affect all other members. Each member has his/her personal view of family events. Family members are in constant contact with one another and create an environment in which all exist. All members of the family influence one another through the complex network of their relationships.

The undesired relations among family members are more important to consider (as they bring in mental disorders, disharmony, affect the family pathology etc) than aspects of personality or other factors operating largely within the individuals. Understanding the dynamics of the family will provide insight in to the cause of disturbances in the behaviour of family members.

Family pathology is nothing to do with the infectious diseases. It refers to how a family functions as a unit and to the dynamics between the individual family members. It is not just about mental disorders, also include behaviours such as family violence, sexual abuse and other aberrant behaviours.

Prevention of mental disorder is done by encouraging secure attachments and reducing family violence, as these play a crucial role in children's healthy development.

There are many testing tools available in the internet which can be self-administered and evaluated. They will tell us how much adaptive we are in our interactions with our new concept of family members and which are the areas we need to change for betterment. We can check the standardization, validity and reliability of the tool and administer ourselves.

Let us identify and admit the personality and abilities of our family members, change ourselves a bit to adapt to others and live healthily, happily, peacefully and have smooth relationships with all our family members!!

Peacefully yours...rams....Health Psychologist!!

a useful info from my friend...."what you think, you will become that!!"

a useful info from my friend....

Worth following:-

In the movie _Taare Zameen Par_
The art teacher tells the rude and cursing father of the dyslexic kid about *Solomon Islands..*

In those islands, the tribal don’t cut down a tree. *They surround the tree and curse it for hours every day..*

Within a few weeks, the tree
dries up and becomes dead..

Many of us might find that example too difficult to believe. How can intangible and invisible thoughts and words kill a tree.!

Well, if you get to read Bruce H. Lipton’s THE BIOLOGY OF BELIEF, you won’t only believe in the Solomon Islands story, but would also think a dozen times before saying something demoralizing to yourself and the people you love..

In this book, Mr. Lipton tells in detail about the power of conscious and subconscious mind..

The subconscious mind is million times more powerful than the conscious mind, and decides most of the things in our lives according to the beliefs it has..

Many times we fail to change an unpleasant habit despite our will-power and consistent efforts..

It’s because the habit has been so strongly programmed in our subconscious mind that the efforts made by our conscious mind hardly make any difference.

*Conscious Mind is just a shadow* *of our Unconscious Mind..*

So, when the tribals of Solomon Islands curse a tree, they are actually installing negative and harmful beliefs in the tree’s emotion (yes, trees do have emotions too).

Within few days, those negative emotions becomes a belief & eventually changes the molecular architecture of the tree and kill it from inside..

2500 years ago, when the Buddha said that *‘You are what you think',* he was not articulating a random philosophical theory.

Actually he was telling a scientific fact which is now proved correct by Quantum Physics and Molecular Biology.

The book has a special chapter on Conscious Parenting where it talks about the beneficial and harmful effects of what parents say to their children..

*If you are a parent and you keep cursing your child in the name of constructive criticism, you are installing beliefs in their mind which will keep harming them forever..*

*But if you keep appreciating them in a sincere way, you are installing beliefs in their mind which will help them entire life..*

And also be careful of what
you keep saying to yourself.

Repetition of words and thoughts is the best way to install a belief in your subconscious mind..

If you keep saying you are a loser,
don’t be surprised if you become one within a few months or years..

And if you have friends who keep saying such things to you, there is no harm in saying a quick goodbye to them..

May be you value the friendship a lot. But you must value yourself a little

And ...Always keep saying to urself..
*I am healthy, wealthy, happy, successful & prosperous!*

THIS IS FOR ALL LOVERS BELOW 25 YEARS OF AGE WHO FEAR THAT THEIR LOVE MAY NOT BE SUCCESSFUL.....

Dear all...THIS IS FOR ALL LOVERS BELOW 25 YEARS OF AGE WHO FEAR THAT THEIR LOVE MAY NOT BE SUCCESSFUL...

Some time back one girl was about to jump from fourth floor of a hostel and i had to interfere...

asked her the reason for the decision to finish life...(remember...no organism wants to die...all organisms fight against the threat to survive and die only when the threat engulfs the organism or the SWOT analysis and fight against the threat fails...so, if some one voluntarily wants to finish the life, then their mind is not stable and healthy!)

she said 'I am in love with a boy of opposite religion. Every one is against. But i can not forget him. They are not allowing even to talk on phone. I don't think i can ever get married to him and live in this place!...and i can't think of living without him!'

I asked the same question that you are getting in your mind now...'by killing yourself how can you live with him?...If he is also like you then imagine his condition...what will he do?...you want him also to kill himself?...If you want to live with him, then you have to be alive...if you die you can not live with him?'

She said, 'yes, but if i can't marry him then how can i live with him and what is use of living without him and how can i live without him? My parents are already searching for a boy for marriage and i am scared!'

I had a chat with her for some time and during the talks i came to know that she wants to become an IAS and it is her dream. Knowing her intelligence levels and skill sets it was obvious that with little coaching she can easily clear of civil services exam and interview. Then i told her....

'Listen!...Once you clear your IAS and become a Collector of a place, both your parents and his parents will come running and fall at your feet saying You are God to them. They will themselves arrange marriage for you in a grand manner and make you live with him!'....Her eyes went glowing while hearing these words...she asked 'Sir, is it true?' with a hope of confidence in life...

I said 'Then what!!...All indian parents (in fact teachers, lovers...all of them) want their children to get a good job, status job and earn a lot so that they can tell every one proudly that their child is the best!...Indian parents all live in FEAR PSYCHOSIS and so if you become powerful, then they would like to take shelter under your power for their safety and security....they also want love and affection from you...they expect you to look after them...they also expect that you will educate your siblings too and take up some family financial responsibilities...so, if you look after them nicely, get their dreams fulfilled of wants, needs and comforts in life then they will not be a hurdle in your passion or life or marriage etc'

On hearing this she became confident and said with glowing eyes and great confidence 'Sir, you are great sir!...You are perfectly right!...No one told me like this!..Every one shouted at me saying 'you have come here to study. You are here not to love. Padikkiara vayasula love yenna vendi kidakku!!...kirukku pudichhirukkaa!!...veetla konnuruvaanga!!..College ai vittu thookkeeruvaanga!'...Parents were only beating me. You are the only one who said it correctly sir. I will not kill my self anymore. I will now work towards my dream of becoming an IAS. Thank you so much sir!'

I also told her, 'See, you are from a poor back ground. There are soo many poor children like you who are brilliant but unable to spend money for a good higher education. There are many orphans too. There are many old people who are like orphans without any one to look after them. Once you become Collector you will sign many contracts. You will be powerful person with great financial powers. You tell the contractors 'I will grant more money. You build an orphanage or home for poor children or old age home or school for special children. We will name it after you. You look after it. I will help you!'....this way you can make many places for needy people...you can light lamp in the life of many...you can save and uplift many children. Also you can change the life of many contractors in being corrupt to being Mother Teresas in a different way!'

These words also brought more light and confidence in her eyes and she said with lots of courage and conviction "SSSSSSssssir I will do it!!!!...One day this will happennnn!!...Thank you so much sir...soooo nice of you!!"

Today she is on her move in this direction. I am sure she will do it. I can imagine one day she becoming a Collector, making the contractors build such homes for needy people, naming them after them, making them to look after those institutions, that way she will change the contractors for social cause and teach them to make them realise the real meaning of life....the happiness in living for others and not the pleasure in making money and wealth in a wrong way!!

Some times when i meet her she says 'sir, more than your words that both the parents will agree for marriage, it is that i can change the world, i can change the corrupt people in this country in a positive way without creating negatives anywhere with anyone, i can light lamp and hope in the life of many children that is making me to move towards my goal sir. That was an enlightening moment for me!!..I will always be grateful to you for that sir!'

So, girls and boys....remember...if your love has to become successful...if your parents have to agree...if you have to live together with the blessings of parents, families and all members and relatives...then...then...then...

1. Work towards your goals and passion, and not towards your love and moving step by step in your love, physical intimacies etc.

2. Become an achiever, get a good job, make more money and wealth, show to your parents that you can do it, get power and status, then both the parents will agree

3. To become successful in love, you need to be loving your parents and all around, you need to have lots of patience, courage and conviction, calm and cool, use only positive methods and not negative strategies you learn from movies, news papers, books, friends' lives, tv serials etc.

4. Only when you are behind love and lover and not responsible enough to become independent and an achiever they will all hate you, fight with you, be against your love and lover, do all sorts of negative things against you and your lover as you see in movies.

5. Look after your parents with lots of love and affection after your become an achiever and look after the life of your siblings in studies etc then ask your parents 'Can i get married to him/her?' ...they will happily agree!!!

All the best....

Peacefully yours....rams...health psychologist.

The most irrelevant question of life that is being considered as MOST RELEVANT!!

Dear all...one question...one answer....

Qn. "Do you believe in God?...Do you agree that God exists?"

Ans:

1. It is an irrelevant question.

2. Irrelevant because the answers for these are not necessary to live in peace, happiness, good health, contentment, self actualised, self transcending etc (the 'six vitals' of life!!).

3. Any answer/belief that gives these six, adaptability to coexist with others and live with them in peace are right and correct for that individual. All other answers are wrong for them.

4. There is no right answer or wrong answer. The world will always be divided with respect to this question forever till earth exists. But one should respect the belief of the other, love the other person and live with them.

5. Let us leave these questions to the scientists. It is their job to find out the origin of life, origin of earth, existence of god etc. They might find an answer or not. How does it matter?...Living together in love with all the six vitals of life is what is important.

6. These questions, beliefs and the answers of every one are the ones that have created all the misery on earth, fighting, killings etc.

7. Only people who have nothing to do in life and who want to create hatred etc talk about such questions and keep arguing (as there is no discussion possible when one feels that he/she is right and the other person is wrong...he/she refers to both us and others).

8. Gods can look after themselves. Let us look after ourselves and each other! God helps, supports, looks after one who looks after self and others with unconditional love and affection. God is not a magician and temples are not ATM counters.

9. The perceptions of our people about gods, religion etc are not right for them. If right, then they will not be unhealthy in their body, mind and socially like the way they are now. There will be no fights, greed, divisions, sensitivities etc. So, let every one define it in a way that can give them all the six vitals and adaptive living.

10. So, let us forget about such questions, answers, beliefs of others and live and love our life happily and peacefully with every one around.

Peacefully yours...rams...health psychologist!!

given a chance which one i would prefer to be like?....small monkey or a big lion?

it is better to be a 'cute monkey' than being a 'majestic lion'...as first one 'springs love' in others and the second one brings 'fear' in others!!....rams....

What should we do every day to be peaceful, happy, healthy and live a meaningful life?

Dear all...THIS IS FOR ALL...

some people, the retired people at home too, read and watch the news, come to know about what is happening around the world and around us, get angry, upset, get highly emotional, frustrated and get anxiety struck and spoil the whole day cribbing about the situation, their helplessness, spoil the focus, mood, peace and happiness of others around and land up with heart attack, high blood pressure and social issues at home, office and around them. No use of their life and living to anyone and their own-selves!!

But some people do not bother much about all these. They just get up, do their routines, do the common chores at office, home and society, help every one in whatever method they can, feel peaceful, happy, meaningful life and living and contented, sleep well and get up fresh next day to continue their service-living and be happy and healthy.

What should we do??

Rams...peacefully yours....Health Psychologist.

Let us clean our brains!!

emotions are output of our thinking....if our thinking is negative then negative emotions come and if we let it out then we have problem...if we don't let is out also we have problem...But if our thinking is positive then emotions are positive and there is no health problem...so let us change our LEARNING THAT IS RESIDING IN OUR BRAIN AS MENTAL STRUCTURES and THE PERCEPTIONS THAT EMANATE OUT OF THEM AS THE OUTCOME OF THINKING...THIS IS THE ONLY SOLUTION!!

The best way to be peaceful and happy!!

whavvvvvvvvvv...beautiful!!....Any art form gives peace, happiness, ability to be in the present, involvement, a sense of losing the self which is the ultimate experience, an attachment, a passion, a coping skill of keeping away the worries and anxieties, negative thoughts, negative people, negative emotions, brings balance, calm mind, cool feeling, a sense of fulfillment in life, a sense of achievement, high self esteem-self concept-self confidence....the list is endless!!....All positives!!....So, let us lose ourselves in some art form or the other every day and teach this art to our children, friends, relatives and every one!!

THIS IS FOR PEOPLE BETWEEN THE AGE OF 13 TO 25

Dear all...THIS IS FOR PEOPLE BETWEEN THE AGE OF 13 TO 25...

One student: "I keep getting deeply attracted to many friends of opposite sex and same sex. But many good friends leave me without any reason. Many leave due to transfers etc. My besties become besties of others/others-too after some time. All these affect me a lot and i cry. With some i can feel some changes in my body too when i am with them. I am getting attracted physically too some times with some people. I never get angry and quite accommodative and helpful. But still all these things happen. I am scared about my future.

Ans: This period of life is a great challenge in all aspects. As the body and mind undergo rapid growth, lots of changes in hormones and functioning of organs etc. Nothing is firmed up in this stage as it is a transient stage in life, which means amenable to change greatly before settling down in growth. Needs, wants, ambitions, definition of life and living....eeeeeeeeeverything keeps changing rapidly.

So, obviously people change over night. Sometimes for variety.

We need to design our life style that will give more EQ and SQ.

So, never commit to anyone for anything. Be a good friend to all.

Read my blog at 'funnyrams' (type in google and click the top most link) to design a life style that will keep you mentally strong.

Many people will come and go. Nothing can be done about it. You be good to all. One day they will come back. Have faith in you and your love and affection for them.

Peacefully yours...rams...