"sir, i need help. My husband does not do pampering these days (or caressing or fondling or amorous talk or 'konjal)!!

 Dear all...One Question...One Answer...

 

Qn. "Sir, I am 50 years old. My husband used to do lots of Konjals with me during initial days of marriage. That has reduced slowly over a period of time and now he has totally forgotten and does not do it. He only does some official family talks. I want him to be with me the way he was 25 years back!!"

Ans:

"Baby animals are playful, active. Adult animals are romantic and active. Old animals have none of these!!"

Anyone wants to do Konjals with babies and children as they are cute, innocent, always smiling, active, do not know their age, always want to be happy and do not behave for social acceptance.

So, forget your age and social status of mother, mother-in-law and such other bla bla. Don't think about the future. Be mentally free. Do yoga, meditation and other mental and physical exercises. Be energetic, active and effervescent. You can't go back to your appearance 25 years back, but certainly put in efforts and be cute, innocent, playful and romantic. Don't be like an old animal and make him also like the above!... Think young, dress young, talk young, be mentally young, don't be much conscious about socially acceptable behaviours or conscious of society etc.!!

I am sure, he might not be doing konjals, but continues to be a responsible husband and father.

When men age, they will show their love more in behaviours of being responsible, caring and supporting, and emotions that help for exhibiting these behaviours, rather than indulging in or less indulging in behaviours that lead to reproductive acts.

Any relationship that is formed with a motivation of only reproductive needs will weaken/vanish. Relationships sustaining with a motivation of other body needs will remain till the needs are satisfied. A relationship beyond these will remain strong for eternity!!

So, change and change him through your changed thinking, behaviours and emotions!!...Certainly there will be an improvement!!...All the best!!

Peacefully yours…Rams…Psychologist!!

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Sir, i need your help. I need to take an important decision in my life, but i am not able to take that decision!...please help meeeeeeeeeeee...!!

One Question...One Answer...

Qn. 'Sir, i need your help. I need to take an important decision in my life, but i am not able to take that decision!!...I feel i am clear in my mind, but unable to decide. One boy is in love with me for few years now. He accords his first priority to me. It appears that no other girl is there in his life as his lover. He is glued to me all the time. He is ready to sacrifice his life also for me. I feel he is the best person who can take care of me and support me in all my endeavours. But both of us belong to two different castes which are cats and dogs for generations. So, the parents of both sides will not agree to this proposal. But i am not interested in any other person also. Everyone tells me to do different things. I don't know what to do!!....When i ask my bestie, she says 'Listen to your heart and go by what it says...heart will always tell the right and correct thing!!'...I am confused sir, please help me to decide...This lock down inside the house has affected both of us very badly as we are not able to talk when we are at home with parents and we are not able to meet, so suffering a lot sir...feeling depressed!!

Ans: Hai, there are few golden thumb rules to take any decision in life. There are few more related to taking decision in such relationships. They are as follows:-

(1) 'Never take any decision when you are in any negative state of mind or body'.

For e.g sad, depressed, frustrated, high state of mental stress, too much of work load, mentally and physically tired (e.g nights), suffering with diseases and ailments in the body, having disorders in mind, mood swings, hormonal imbalance, delayed periods, periods time, in a drunken state, when the brain is under the control of chemicals like antibiotics, anti allergy medicines (drowsy state) and other drugs, pleasure chemicals and substances, disturbed body metabolism and such other traumatic or non traumatic conditions of the mind and imbalanced state of body in metabolism, hormonal states and neurotransmitter secretions.

Under the above conditions, generally the brain is not healthy and therefore, the mind formed also will not be healthy. It will be confused. So, it may not be able to decide or will decide wrongly under pressure. It may not know what is right and correct for you for entire life. It will only tell what is right and correct for that moment to meet the needs or desires or reach the state of stability or freedom or free from stress. This may not be right after we come out of that state. So, we might feel guilty or regrets.

Those who want to influence your decisions will use this tactic of 'compelling you to take a decision that is favourable to them when you are in such confused stressful state of mind and body.

Or they will create a stressful condition of the body and mind, and thereafter force you to take a decision that is favourable to them.

Or will make you feel insecure by scaring you with all kinds of stuff that will bring fear in you. Once your brain feels drained, full of fear, scared, feels 'not with enough resources' to decide, or not confident to live etc, then they will propose their decision and make you agree to that decision willingly so that you don't feel you are brainwashed or betrayed or cheated or taken charge off etc.

Such people with vested interests can also give natural or artificial foods or chemicals or drugs or parts of plants or animals....naturally or forcefully...may be casually.....to alter the hormonal secretions or neurotransmitter secretions or bring imbalance in the bio-chemicals of the body or disturb your metabolism.

(2) 'Never take any decision when you are in the state of ecstasy, highest pleasure or happiness state, elated state of mind, state of orgasm etc.'

This is because, under these conditions our body or mind or both are in very high state of pleasure or happiness or contentment or fulfillment...so, the decision will be biased towards the source of this pleasure or happiness or contentment or fulfillment.

(3) 'Never take any decision when we are in an obsessed state of mind. Obsessed with a person, place, life situation, item etc.'

i.e if we feel that 'he is the only beautiful person or best human being in the world!'

'She is the only beautiful person or best human being in the world!'

'This is the only best place in the world!'

'This is the only best moment of my life!!'

This is the mental state when we feel insecure and we get a person or item or place or life situation at that point of time of earth falling down under our feet....at this time, the body and mind will try to cling to the person or place or life situation or item parasitically...and once we are out from this mental state then we will feel that we have taken a wrong decision.

In general, we all of us are always some where in between two extreme states of mind....i.e in a state of highest state of despair or loss of hope to live or over confidence to live....i.e it is a continuum of minus infinity to plus infinity....we exist at some place in between these two states of infinity....one is a state of total fear that we feel we can't live anymore and we want to die...another is a state of no fear of anything or over confidence....both are unstable states of the mind...during both the states our body is unstable...mind is unstable!!!

We should be at the centre of this continuum.....i.e state of zero....i.e total stability...no 'loss of hope' and no 'over confidence or elated state'

Generally, people think this ELATED OR ECSTATIC OR ORGASMIC STATE AS A STABLE STATE OF MIND AND BODY...THIS STATE OF 'STREE FREE' FEELING OR 'FEELING OF TOTAL FREEDOM' OR 'BLISSFUL STATE' IS RIGHT...

So, PEOPLE TAKE US TO ONE OF THE ABOVE STATES OF DESPAIR OR ECSTASY OR OBSESSION....KNOWINGLY OR UNKNOWINGLY, WILLINGLY OR WITHOUT ANY VESTED INTERESTS OR CUNNINGNESS OR JUST SIMPLE GESTURE OF NO INTENTIONS and caring without any reason and loving without any conditions................we should not take decisions in any of the above states. BECAUSE ALL THESE THREE ARE HIGHEST NEED STATES OR STATE OF FULFILLMENT OF NEEDS.

IDEAL CENTRE OF THE CONTINUUM, IS THE ZERO NEED STATE.....i.e we don't have any needs....we don't need anyone....we can be on our own....we don't need any item....nothing, no one or no life situation affects our happiness or peace state....our body is fine and mind is fine....

This is an ideal state. If we are not able to reach this state is ok. At least we should be some where closer to this state for taking decisions. Certainly not at the two extremes!!!

When we are near the zero, we can control our body or mind towards zero. When we are at the extreme ends, i.e high states of need or desires then we can not control our mind or body....both will control our life to meet their needs or desires by any means!!

Now...coming to .....'Listen to your heart and go by what it says!!'.....

Basically heart is related to 'emotions' and brain is related to 'logic'

i.e heart is related to 'fantasies' and 'unreal'....brain is related to 'reality'...''logical thinking"

So, your friend is actually saying 'go by your fantasies and emotions' and not by 'reality and logical thinking and reasoning'....so, you will accept that what she says is wrong and will not work out in this practical world. Fantasy life can be lived only in fantasies and not in reality!!

Another thing is 'BOTH BODY AND MIND HAVE THEIR NEEDS OR DESIRES. WHEN THEIR NEEDS ARE MET, THEY WILL SAY 'THAT IS RIGHT'...'THAT PERSON IS RIGHT'...'THAT ITEM IS RIGHT'....'THAT LIFE SITUATION IS RIGHT'....AND EITHER THE BODY OR MIND OR BOTH WILL ASK FOR THAT PERSON OR PLACE OR ITEM OR LIFE SITUATION FOR ENTIRE LIFE SO THAT THE BODY AND MIND OR EITHER OF THEM CAN HAVE SECURITY OF THAT NEED...DESIRE...FOR ENTIRE LIFE....THROUGH THAT PERSON OR ITEM OR PLACE OR LIFE SITUATION...

Therefore, the crux is....

1. Your mind and body have high levels of needs due to social isolation...and procreation and recreation needs. So, it is not a healthy state of body or mind to take any decision now.

2. Decisions are to be taken by us only by moving to that zero state in the continuum...i.e no need or desire state....(not a depressed state of no need or desire)....This state can be reached through therapies, nutritious food, life style modifications to health enhancing life styles, being with nature, living naturally and not artificially....and through true, right and positive philosophies of life.

3. Never listen to your body or heart or mind when you are not in the Zero state...when you are in NEED or states of DESIRE.

4. We only know our life situation, all the variables and their weightages related to the issue. Other person will not know. Other genuine person or confidant can only help you to reach the zero state so that you can take decisions, decide your destiny and be responsible for the pros and cons of your decision, without any regrets and guilt.

Peacefully yours....Rams....Psychologist!!

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"sir, how to distinguish between animal life and human life?"

 One Question....One Answer....

"sir, how to distinguish between animal life and human life?"

Ans:

Animals have got a body. They are less evolved. So, they live with their basic instincts centered around their body. For e.g a Leopard does not know it is a Leopard. It does not know that it is living inside IIM Kashipur. It does not know the date, year, country, politics, climates, geographical location and anything about the world, universe etc. etc. It just gets up in the morning. Plays. Goes for hunting when it feels hungry. Eats. Sleeps. Mates. Reproduces. Grows and grooms the children for finding their prey and safe guarding themselves from the dangers. It has no dreams, plans, goals, passion, aims, status, comparisons, wealth or money making plans, relationships etc. They live a simple life. Because they don't have sixth sense and the mind formed out of it.

We cannot live the same life now, as we have lost the adaptability skills of living in forests, jungles and mountains, along with other animals, without any home and other comforts we have now.

Another thing is we have a evolved brain and the mind formed out of it. So, out identity can not be body and body-needs based thoughts (cognition), emotions (affect) and behaviours. Yes, we have a body, and therefore, the body based issues and desires will remain. So, reproduction and rearing based thoughts, emotions, behaviours, life style, phase of life will remain. But that can not be in the fore front and should not become the first identity of life and living. That should not occupy the brain and mind all the time. This mix of evolved brain with mind, and living like animals with body as the main centre and focus, will not lead to a peaceful, happy and healthy life and relationships. So, let it be there, on the periphery, not as a vital, but an important domain or part of life and living.

Now comes the actual difference...

As we are evolved species, as we have a complex brain and developed mind with sixth sense, our identity, or image at the fore front should be....

1. Our Personality traits, our constitution of life which comprise of beliefs, faiths, philosophies, maturity and human qualities that define ''who we are'.

2. Our knowledge, experience in life education profession and other domains, skill sets, application mind, wisdom acquired, passions, goals, dreams etc. related to again knowledge and wisdom and not to the body. These define 'what we are'.

So, keep the brain, mind, human qualities...who you are and what you are in the front as your identity and image...In your relationships... Keep the body at the back!!! Keep the brain free from thoughts related to desires of the body so that it has enough free life time to think about (1) and (2) above which create your real human identity, human life and meaning for contentment and fulfillment.

Hope it answers the question.

Peacefully yours... Rams...Psychologist!!!

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