Dear all...THIS IS FOR ALL MARRIED COUPLE...
One interesting person approached and said he is going to break his 17 years of marriage life after some time. But he wanted an immediate solution for his peaceful living at home!!
Both husband and wife are working and earning well. But they have not been talking for quite some time and sleeping separately. Cold war. Lack of Communication. He does not do anything at home and does not involve in the education of the children. They have a son and a daughter more than 10 years old.
When asked for reasons for marital discord he quoted some reasons which appeared silly to me but major ones to him, which is the usual case!!
Lots of suggestions were given but they did not seem to be acceptable to him. The major complaint was that her wife is asking him to do some common chores and his own responsibilities at home which are not acceptable to him. He said he has never done them before and after marriage, she has never complained, but now after 17 years she is complaining, insisting and shouting at home!! He also complained that his jobs are not done by anyone. He hates the washed clothes drying indoors in the line for days!!
We can make out that his ego was not allowing him to do them. He also repeatedly said he loves his children very much and he is just waiting for them to get married and settled. He also said that he has conveyed this decision of divorce to his wife.
Then i told him, "Yes sir, you are right!!...You have the right to live peacefully. You must seek divorce at once your children become adults and independent. It will not be possible to live with her anymore. Please do that!!"
His face indicated that he felt better (that i agreed with him)!
I added "But you should start preparing to live independently on your own without depending on others for anything. Do you agree with this?"...He nodded, but there was a bit of hesitation. He did not agree 100%.
"Tomorrow onwards you pick up your clothes, fold and keep them in alimirah sir!!...Let us start with this!"...He agreed. Next day he called up and said he did that. After two days i said 'You love your daughter and she has 10th board exam. So, why don't you pick up her clothes too and support her!". He did that!!...His daughter felt nice and she gave nice hugs and kisses to him, thanking for his care!!...He said he felt nice about it. After two days i said 'You love your son a lot. He is preparing for JEE and busy. Why don't you pick up his dresses too!. His son too thanked the daddy with hugs and kisses. Daddy reported nice feeling though he felt he is not comfortable somewhere!!
Then i told him "Without your wife you would not have got this family and home. During early years of marriage when children were not there, she did everything. Now she has to do all house chores, prepare everyone in the morning to school and office, cook, after coming back home late in the evening again she has to do all the chores and focus on children education too. When she is physically tired and mentally drained, how can she be romantic with you on bed?...So, as a kind gesture or on humanitarian grounds or as a social service that has to begin from home, why don't pick up your wife's clothes too!'. He did not agree. I left it there. But he reported next day that after picking up the clothes of three, when he saw the clothes of his wife alone there, he felt something inside that it is not good. So, he picked up her clothes too!!
When mother returned the children told her that dad picked up all clothes. She felt happy,cared and loved. She felt her husband showed some responsible behaviour to support her in family chores. After two days he reported that all is well and they are sleeping together. I suggested that if he cooperates more then the happiness index not only of himself but also that of the family will increase. Yesterday he reported a total change in his famly with more fun and successes.
1. This may not work out for all because every case is different. But all cases are solvable and breaking of families and relationships, negative effect on development of children can be avoided.
2. He loved his wife. That is why he was not peaceful and came for help. Ego, lack of communication, cold war built up over years was the issue.
3. Everyone including children should be made responsible for their own chores. Temporary support can be extended by others during stressful and demanding times. Common jobs should be shared.
4. It is better to off-load in families where everyone is aspiring in their studies / career.
5. Such tiresome, monotonous and robotic activities are to be done for improving socialisation, fun, love, care and share and not as work and burden with blames.
Peacefully yours...Rams...Psychologist!!
