Dear all,
One Question...One Answer...
Qn. "Sir, i am not like other common women. I am different. How to select my husband and how to live a peaceful, happy and healthy family life?...I am unable to decide. Parents are shouting at me that i am rejecting every alliance for silly reasons. They say i have to change, marry someone and adapt to him and his parents and siblings. I think i will not be able to do. I want to have a family and at the same time i want to pursue my dreams also. I want to go all around, meet people, do lots of reading, pursue careers of my interest, groom my children as per my choice and want to be a role model achiever. I want to be successful both in family life, my career and passions and goals. Please, don't talk like spiritual leaders and other culturally obsessed people around sir. Also, don't talk the crap of unconditional love and bla bla. Be practical and guide me how to go about.
Ans: Hmmmmmmmmmm. This is the biggest issue in the life of all girls and boys between 20 to 30 years of age as to how to select their spouse who will support them and care for them in the way they want. It is also a major issue after marriage as to how to strike a good relationship with the spouse and make a successful family life and career aligning with their goals, dreams and passion.
Sadly, in our culture created by the ancestors, the spouse is liked and loved based on what he or she can offer to him/her rather then who she or he is as an individual...i.e their personality traits, talents, potential, human qualities, knowledge, wisdom etc. All men and average women support this culture as the best as their knowledge and exposure are limited. Truly not. This kind of a relationship based on dependence will not lead to a healthy life long relationship.
Oldies think that only needs, wants and desires, dependency of one on the other for satiation of these make them to remain attracted, attached and keeps the relationship going for life time. But i differ in this. One should like a person for what he or she is. Relationship should be for friendship and companionship. Once this is achieved, then care and support (Love) will automatically spring in one for the other. This will keep the relationship going for life time. Desire to fulfill the needs of the other person, the feelings of love, care and support to the other person should emanate out of the attraction to the other person for his or her human qualities...who or what he or she is!!...This part gets totally eliminated in the primitive concept.
Anyway...
You have a big list of needs, wants and expectations. Please take time and list them all. You have your boundaries, limitations in adaptations, compromises and sacrifices you can do. You can make adjustments to whatever extent possible by you. But whether all these restrictions and inabilities / abilities, efforts of yours to satisfy the other person's needs, wants and expectations are ok with the prospective alliance boy or not is not known. But you should write down these clearly. So that you can talk it out. In the same way, the boy also should write down and both should see if you can satisfy each other. If both of you think you can meet each others needs, wants and expectations, then you can go ahead with the committed relationship of marriage. Similar discussions can be held with the in-laws and siblings also to check if you are compatible with them too.
We change continuously and our likes, dislikes, wants, needs, expectations, boundaries, tolerance, patience, adaptabilities etc also change continuously as we develop, grow, age, mature, evolve and move from one stage or phase of life to the other. Almost, every 05 years we change considerably and changes can be noticed by all. Also, before marriage, after marriage, after children are born, when the children are infants, children, adolescents, adults, before marriage, after marriage etc the duties and responsibilities as a lover, as a husband, as a father will change...these changes in social conditions also change our desires and levels / type of needs and wants. This changes our expectations too from others.
Therefore, at least fortnightly or monthly both need to sit together in a relaxed, conducive environment where both are not stressed, have time to patiently listen to the other, and discuss the new list, discuss the satisfactions, thank each other, bring out the shortfalls in the expectations, suggest and help the other person as to how the shortfalls can be fulfilled. So, heart-out talks, discussions, helping and supporting each other with the ways and means as to how the other person can satisfy us is a must. If required, help of specialists and therapists can be sought.
Sometimes, agreement /understanding / acceptance of the proposals or requests or suggestions will not be reached in one sitting. So, you might have to sit many times to come to an agreement or common understanding of decisions or need satiation.
In our actual present life the husband and wife do not do this. As a result unfulfilled dreams, desires, wants, needs, expectations, differences that slowly set-in in the likes, dislikes, interests, obsessions, truths, corrects, incorrects, beliefs etc and both of them become totally aliens who can not match and gel with each other, walls get formed between them, then frustrations set-in, cold wars start, then physical fights start, hurting and abusing words get exchanged, wounds do not heal, trauma continues, then they feel that it is impossible to continue with the relationship or live together, then they decide to seperate, or remain socially isolated or live seperately inside the house etc.
Therefore,
1. Make your lists and ask the other person also to make the lists, sit and discuss with the stake holders, and go ahead with the marriage if it works out.
2. Such complications do not arise with the girls who do not have employability skills or big career dreams etc and from economically weaker sections of the society. So, they understand that they have no other choice and adapt to everything with the other person and his people around.
3. Open hearted fortnightly or monthly discussions regarding various issues of self and family need to be held and repeated sittings are to be done till some implementable and mutually acceptable / satisfying solutions are arrived at.
4. This is a life long process and when this process stops, then the relationship issues are likely to start.
Peacefully yours...Rams...Psychologist!!
Dear all,
One question...One answer....
Qn. "Sir, my wife went to an ashram for a visit and thereafter is not coming back home...she is refusing to come...she has become a permanent disciple there...something they have done to her there!!...what should i do now?"
Ans: Many husbands and few wives have this complaint against ashrams and swamijis. Many parents also have such a complaint against these places and people saying they have hypnotized their children and attracted the innocents towards them and their ashrams. They also give a big list of complaints.
Many who are not affected also have a big list of abuses and complaints.
I don't know what happens there or what they do.
But one aspect cannot be ruled out.
Let us consider a person who is married (or a ward of a parent), physically healthy, mentally healthy and peaceful, socially healthy with good relationships with everyone at home, in organizations and with friends etc and lives a relatively stress free life. Let us also assume that she or he has a good and correct understanding about life, living, relationships etc with clarity that the individual lives a life where she or he is not dependent on others. Let us assume that the individual has enough freedom to talk, think, behave, express emotions, and live the life as per her/his choice, dreams, likes, dislikes etc.
This may be an ideal condition.
So, let us consider those who are in a state of mental health where they can manage all the stresses due to social dynamics at home with spouse, parents, friends etc with patience, tolerance and adaptability by stretching their boundaries a bit.
If such an individual goes to such places, listens to the speeches of people over there, i don't think they will get obsessed with the places or principles of the leader or people over there or with the individuals.
Only when people are stressed beyond their potential and ability to manage the stability of their mental health, they feel threatened for their life, they feel scared, they feel that they have been totally destroyed from their inner self, they feel they don't have the freedom even a bit to talk or play or enjoy within their natural constructs, they feel that they are dying in a hell and all the people around are demons etc., they feel totally suffocated, feel slavery, prey that some one from heaven should come and save them, they keep preying to god to save them, they look for a place or person or group of people who can save them...a place that is full of peace, calmness, spirituality, natural air, clean water, healthy food, freedom to pursue their inner pursuits etc...when they find such a place, when they feel they have the security for their life, they feel they are closer to god, they feel that place is the heaven, then they don't want to leave that place...they get attracted and attached with the people over there...they get obsessed with the spiritual leader over there...whatever he or she says becomes the God's spell for them...the life philosophy preached becomes the holy book for that individual...
Every individual is different....every individual is a designer human being with unique personality traits...there are few basic traits which that individual may not be able to change...for e.g the famous women politicians, women actors, women achievers, sports women, social activists etc are born with those traits...talents...potential...all these people cannot be controlled...they cannot be told 'This is not our culture. In our culture the ladies are to be housewives obeying to parents, in-laws and husband doing all the house hold jobs in addition to whatever they want to do. This kind of thinking and life will not work out in our family environment and relatives circles. You have to change!!'....either they will escape and run away from the family or commit suicide or will get physically and mentally affected. Most of the celebrities or achievers or spiritual leaders etc belong to this variety. e.g Buddha who left the family in the night. They are Type A personalities who have to be accepted the way they are, allowed to pursue their life the way they want. They are partially or completely born for the society and humanity. Not for one family or few people!!
Not everyone runs away and remains in ashrams. There are many who are obsessed with the leader, followers and the preaching, but still they live a happy family life with their family members. This spirituality helps them to handle the stressful issues in their life and still remain at peace with everyone and everything. Some visit these places occasionally for a break, while they follow the life style preached by the leader. Like this we have all kinds of people who manage their life issues and stresses to remain stable, balanced, calm, cool, peaceful and mentally healthy.
So, the crux is...
1. Before blaming others, let us look at ourselves, ask if we are being a hurdle to others at home, whether our philosophies of life and living are making our lives and the life of others stressful, see how best we can help others at home to develop, grow, in knowledge, wisdom, skills etc., If parents, husbands and in-laws of all achievers felt that women are born to be only house wives, then we would not have had woman-achievers who made their parents, husbands and in-laws feel proud, who became role models for other women in the country etc.
2. If the people at home love them unconditionally and support to achieve their dreams, passions, goals, aims etc., then i am sure no one will leave that relationship and home.
Peacefully yours...Rams....Psychologist!!
