Dear all...There are many who have a problem as below...the solution is also here... AN IMPORTANT POST FOR ADOLESCENTS AND EARLY/MIDDLE ADULT HOOD PEOPLE...
Problem....
'I know a guy for the past 30 years. We were good friends earlier during our teenage and college days. But then we got married to different people and have been living happily for all these years. But there was an incident in our life few months back and i feel 'He is my man and i missed him!...He also feels the same way!...Our initial days of communication were good but now i started demanding, controlling, expecting, dictating that our life has become miserable and unable to concentrate on anything. I am in tears and my head is blowing off!...So, is he. We can't live together as of now. But i need some way out to live peacefully. Please suggest some solution!'
Analysis.....
For any one who reads this it might appear in the mind 'What a bloody stupidity!...Are they mad?...Are they grown ups?...Are they responsible?'
But the truth is many amongst us develop many great friendships during school and college/hostel life and even during working in organisations. Emotional development and in-depth understanding of opposite sexes is an important social development task, as, throughout our life we are either living or working with people, and people of opposite sex. Great friendships are important for a peaceful, healthy and successful living too. No individual can live without a friendship, the back bone of all relationships!!...And a great friend only can make a good life mate too, as the word itself indicates 'life long mate!!'. So, it is important for the stranger to become a spouse, and further to become a great friend, to eventually evolve to become a life-mate or soul mate too (in the case of traditional arranged marriages). It is seen that all spouses do not graduate to the level of a good friend, life-long mate, soul mate etc which is a social issue!!
Then what happens to the emotional friendship of the school or college times?...Can any one forget or is it so easy to forget that selfless, caring, devoted emotional friendship of initial years of life when everything of what you are is formed in you during those formative years of a person/personality?...Our parents say 'forget him, and marry this guy!...be loyal to your husband and forget him for ever!!'...But is it possible?...Is it possible to have some one in the heart and marry a stranger and live with him physically, mentally and emotionally throughout life when the social development has not developed as desired?...What will happen if such a marriage happens in this era of plenty of free and open communication channels flowing. Can that person be loyal to her husband for life time?...Is it possible to remain without communication with that great friend?...this is a point to think for the 'business' minded parents...
Of course, the children also need to have a strong back pone and active spine to stand up courageously and discuss it out (not argue!) with parents on many sittings patiently, while expecting that parents may not be patient, strategic, filmy, villainous etc.
Solution...
1. What I have typed here are only some tips. But if all my posts in the blog are read then the individual will get immensely benefited because these posts go into depth of each micro of this macro issue.
2. By doing these she will not forget him. She will only find a peaceful place in the whole of the issue and live peacefully.
3. For such issues one single intervention is not sufficient. If she can do all of them, then it is the ideal thing. She will get more relief if she follows as many suggestions below as possible.
4. She need not get anxiety struck that he might forget her, or she might forget him etc, because such relationships can not be forgotten by each other. Memories can't be erased (selective deletion).
5. All problems will get solved if both of them live together. But there is no scope for that. That is why the following behaviour modification techniques I am listing so that both of them find peace, happiness and good health amidst the existing instability.
Ok…here we go…
1. She should understand that all the thinking, emotions and behaviours that she is experiencing with this issue is because of her neuro system. She might say that it is the wish of her soul or heart or mind or eternal love etc. But all are realised through her neuro system. The same brain, the same body, the same organs did not ask for him like this many years back. Now they are craving. Why?...aging, changed biological conditions and neurotransmitter secretions.
2. For doing anything and everything, for all behaviours from morning wake-up to night sleep, we need MOOD to do that behaviour. E.g we need the mood to get up from bed once we are awake. Only then we will wake up. If we don’t have the mood to get up, we will continue to lie down on bed. If we have the mood, then even if we are tired, we will get up. For brushing the teeth, for shaving, for taking bath, for eating, for watching TV, for talking to wife/husband/children, for reading, for doing chores at home, for doing jobs at office….for evvvvvvvvverthing we need MOOD.
3. If we don’t have the mood to do, then we post pone the jobs or don’t do. Then we land up with issues in life starting from ‘procrastination’ (Procrastination is the avoidance of doing a task which needs to be accomplished. It is the practice of doing more pleasurable things in place of less pleasurable ones, or carrying out less urgent tasks instead of more urgent ones, thus putting off impending tasks to a later time). Moods are totally decided by the STATE OF NEUROTRANSMITTER SECRETIONS in the brain. Neuro transmitters are chemical substances secreted by the brain which connect one neuron to the other. Neurons are not welded or soldered to each other. They are connected through ELECTROCHEMICAL ACTIVITY. This will happen correctly only if the neurotransmitter secretions are good. So, all activities in the brain will be good, and the resultant mind formed will be good, if the neurotransmitters are secreted in enough quantities. There are hundreds of them, major ones being DOPAMINE and SERETONIN.
4. In the present case her brain secretions were stable, mind was stable, it did not feel insecurity, it was not obsessed with any one, so, she could lead a normal stable life.
5. After or during that incident (the stage of life) her secretions were not ok. She was subconsciously feeling insecure, which of course, she did not know. So, that incident showed him to her brain as the ‘object of security’ ‘source which can meet all her body, mind, life and social needs’. So, she got obsessed with him. The old memories rejuvenated has added the fuel to the fire.
6. She is not in love with him. She is obsessed with him. She will not agree with this. She will agree with this if she knows what is love (she can read my blog posts). Filmy love is not love. What every one does is not love. Where there is an attraction beyond NEEDS, EXPECTATIONS, GIVING TOTAL FREEDOM to the other person, with out any demand of any kind, giving a perception through our behaviours to the other person ‘I care for you. I am there with you. You are free to do anything. I will support that for your happiness, physical-mental-social health, peace, contentment and success in life. I don’t need or expect anything from you’ is LOVE. While giving that we should be also happy, physically-mentally-socially healthy, peaceful, contented with life and successful in life. We should feel the total freedom and should be able to do all that we want to do and supposed to do for our own-selves, for family, for our friends and relatives, in social set ups and in our organisations. Then only we are in true love.
7. Presently she is not in a state of the above. So, she is not in love. She is obsessed (e.g Guna movie character. There are many variations in obsession too). This shows that her secretions are not alright. We need to bring that to stable state now. That is the aim of following suggestions.
8. She should change the place of living if possible. A different city, different state, different country. The challenges to live there, adaptation needs, changes in life style mandatory to live there, people around, culture change, climate change, aura change in the house etc will change her secretions. She will not forget him, because everything is stored in her memory. We are not erasing them. If he wants to keep himself stable, then he also can do this, if he can do.
9. If the above is not possible then she can change the house she lives. This also can bring in change in the aura inside the house e.g change in natural lighting conditions, change in the cleanliness, change in the ambiance, change in the smell, etc can change the secretions. If not possible she can at least change her living room to some other room inside the same house. If not possible then she can change lighting, cleanliness, ambiance, smell etc inside her present living room. E.g damp walls, fungus on furniture and everywhere, spider webs, etc can reduce the secretions and keep us low. Smell can be natural smell which does not provoke ‘need for a person’ to lean on, for laps, for hugs and kisses, for sex etc. Some agarbathis produce stable secretions giving peace in mind, some provoke the hormonal and neurotransmitter secretions towards mood for physical intimacies, verbal love, sex etc.
10. She should always take bath with cold water. NEVER WITH HOT WATER. E.g if you don’t have mood for physical needs, if you take bath in hot/warm water, the secretions change and you get the mood for physical needs.
11. If you have heavy urge and mood for physical needs, but you don’t have a partner and need to do something else urgently, then take bath in cold water. You will find your secretions changing, your mood changing, your interests changing and you are peacefully able to do the other urgent jobs.
12. She can take cold water bath whenever she is having heavy urge to see him, to talk to him etc. It will certainly help. But if she finds not much of use, then she should immediately go to a place she likes which does not bring in his memory, and she can do something which is her passion. This will help her to come out of the urge to meet him or talk to him.
13. She should not listen to love songs, sad songs, philosophical songs etc. She should listen to motivational, inspiring, soothing, calming songs/music. She should not listen to love stories, watch love movies (unfortunately all movies have love!!) and TV programmes related to love e.g ‘solvathellam unmai’.
14. She should keep her mind occupied with some ‘responsibility’ related work always. She should always be physically, mentally and socially busy.
15. Should go to bed early, by about 10 pm. She should get up early in the morning, by about 5 am. Get ready and go for walks for at least an hour in clean air environs. E.g play ground, green garden where vehicle smoke is not there. No walking on main roads where vehicles run. Even one vehicle is enough to leave a trail of smoke which will remain there for long for us to breath our entire walk.
16. twilight early morning walk gives less pollution, mind is free, body is enough rested and not tired, we can breathe the first oxygen from plants and trees which is fresh, clean and good. Don't walk near trees and plants in the absence of sunlight, even in the early morning hours of darkness, we will only get carbon-dioxide and not oxygen which will reduce the secretions.
17 little bit of jogging or running if she can do (tie up all the lose parts of the body to the main body, tight with sports inner wear) will be better for her heart, circulation system, brain, metabolism etc.
16. She should do yoga for about an hour in the evening. Should follow all the rules of body, mind, environmental conditions for doing yoga. Back and stomach strengthening yoga will not only help her to get stable secretions but also keep her joints, back bone, abdomen (waist line increases at this age) etc in good health, which get affected at this age. So, one stone, two mangoes!!
17. pranayam or breathing exercises and yoga postures related to this are also good
17. The main source of neurotransmitter secretion in the brain is OXYGEN. Brain needs lots of oxygen. If this is not there, then secretions go low, then weak or dull or mood-less mind is formed. E.g if we keep all the doors and windows closed and sleep in a small room for six hours along with other family members, we keep breathing only carbon-dioxide, no oxygen, and so when we get up in the morning we will feel tired, not fresh, dull mind, no mood to do anything. Moment we open the door, we breath fresh air, we feel better because secretions improve in brain instantly.
18. If you see all the spiritual leaders (sri sri ravishanker, jakki vasudev, ram dev etc) and doctors tell techniques like pranayam, breathing exercises but with different names. All aim to give lots of oxygen to the brain. Once the brain gets enough oxygen, then our moods change, our thinking changes, everything becomes positive, we become calm, peaceful, cool, which results in positive emotions and positive behaviours. Self concept and self esteem improves.
19. So, she should do at least one hour walk (more the better) in the morning and one hour yoga in the evening. If not for one hour then something is always better. If there is no improvement, then it means that we need to increase our time.
20. these will also help her away from common life style diseases like diabetes, hyper tension, cardio-vascular diseases, which also reduce the brain secretions.
20. These things will also make her tired at the end of the day and give her good sleep without any dreams.
21. No sleep during day times. May be about 15 mts horizontality is ok.
22. She should not think about him, kindle the memories about him, see objects or visit places that will kindle the memories about him and their relationship. If she has some objects then she can keep them in locked far away places not reachable easily. Delete his mobile no from her mobile. Not contact him at all.
23. She should eat only pure veg and balanced diet. No junk food. Junk foods disturb the brain secretions. No oily food too. No animal products. Not much of carbohydrates. More of fruits, green vegetables, shoot system, no root system.
24. She should never be physically, mentally and socially idle. She should never kindle her past memories. Should not create a condition physically, mentally and socially –in reality or virtually--that will kindle the thinking about him.
I am sure, the above changes in life styles and cognition will keep her neurotransmitter secretions and hormonal secretions stable and normal. So, that her life is peaceful, happy, healthy and successful.
If the above does not work out then medicines are always available to support the above and bring in the desired change.
TIME, PATIENCE and NATURE are the solutions to such emotional problems in life!!
peacefully yours....rams....
