Is the tool we use to measure LOVE is right?

hai friends...i got a gap of 30 mts today...thought i will stimulate thought on one of the chore issue of life...love...it could be between any two human beings...of any age...any gender...by the way...i always address this word universally...so don't lock on to only between spouses or lovers...i feel any two human beings who share emotions are lovers...that is it!...we need to widen the margins of our definitions on several things to understand them better, make value additions to these and give a holistic aspect in the study!

when ever i talk on such sensitive issues(considered by our culture as sensitive, not to be talked about, feel shy to talk but unanimously agree that those issues matter a lot in life and are the life lines which make or break any relationship!) i don't get any reply mails...good shy people we are!!

before i kick start, one mail i received attracted my attention...he was my team mate during early nineties...whenever he was there on the aircraft for defect rectification i could feel easy at home...some people have magic hands which can make things work...he has those hands...now read on...

Dear Ramasubramanian sir,
Hats off to you. you have made a bold declaration.And my heart approves it because I have worked as a Security supervisor at Infosys after leaving Navy for a mere 5000RS...But i never felt dejected i knew i can achieve if given any chance.From Jan 2001 to 2004 Sep i worked in various organisations in Non technical field.Finally i got a call from Reliance Industries @ salem after attending interview the manager mr.Palaniswamy said why don't you join today i said i am ready to join now.I was eager to prove my Electrical skills  and an opportunity was snatched by me. I was paid 12000 Rs.All the Exams and courses offered by Reliance industry  i was topper and any sort of Electrical problems in D.G ,SMPS,Air conditioner was attended by me.Though i worked for 3 years only my fame went all over Tamilnadu.I worked as a Field Engineer @ Salem. But after my hard work suddenly i was transferred to Chennai and they started giving me cable laying ,tower construction supervising etc.I felt rejected i took a decision to enter shipping Industry.I applied for CDC and My journey in Shipping Industry was not that easy i learnt the circuits in a hard way.As you said Iam not an Intelligent guy but i burned my midnight oil.Now i am sailing as an Electrical officer in Merchant Navy,My salary is more than 2 Lakhs.Success is not final,Failure is not fatal.It is the courage to Continue that counts.-Winston Churchill.
Keep rocking with such articles
thanks &regards
vasanthan Raja
Electrical officer

so, if we are determined, we will certainly reach the skies...can you imagine his growth from 5000 per month to more than 2 lakhs per month in no time!

ok ...now moving to the topic...

if we ask any person...'does the person with whom you are in love (remember...it could be anyone!) love you really?'...how do you decide?...

if we ask a young girl or boy the individual will say 'wofffff! this is a million dollar question sir!!...our life goes only in finding out that!'...if we ask a girl she will say 'some times he appears to be...but some times not!..i am confused'...if we ask a boy he will reply the way i said earlier...

if we ask a married young girl, with all sparkles in her eyes, she is likely to say 'whavvvv!...he loves me too much you know!...he takes me out, looks after me nicely, kisses me here and here (she is showing the cheeks!!!)...i too lovvvvvvvvvvvvvvv him!'...

all these girls when they are in their their later thirties or forties they will say 'hmm...what to say?...i don't know really if this nut loves me or not?...may be i lost all the glam!...hmmm...time goes on with the kids!'...they will give a long breath, take out gas with noise and look at the eternity with a vacuum feeling in the mind...a void somewhere!!!

how do they measure if their boys love them or not?

the young girl said her lover boy lovvvvvvvves her a lot...how did she say that?...how did she measure?...the same girl when she is in later part of life how did she measure the love of her husband?...why she is dull?...why she answers like that?

girls generally measure the love of their boys through the 'value in the times they spend together'...what value?...romance value!...what they actually do?...talks, touches here and there, kisses, hugs, romance looks, naughty acts, talks or acts which have emotional value to indicate to the girl that he cares for her, discuss on subjects of mutual interest (i have made this bold for some reason)...please note...talks about resolution of issues on house administration and child rearing are not counted here for measurement of love by the girls...

is it the correct way of measuring such an important parameter of relationship between two?

i feel that we have to go to the micros from macros to find solutions for any issue...to better the solution...

also i feel that we have to go to the basics...to the evolution...to find the actual solutions...and correct, reality solutions...

let us look at the other living organisms around us...specially the opposite genders...what do they do?...let us take some examples...cock and a hen...two dogs...peacocks...any two opposite genders...they indulge in all such acts which i have mentioned in bold letters...in their own way...what for?...towards the act of procreation...after the act what happens?...they stop indulging in such acts and go back to their routine jobs...searching for food, water, rest, safe place etc....

let us compare this with us...any difference?...do you agree that just because the hen or dog indulge in the bold letter acts, can we say that they are in love?...they are in a relationship?...does this mean 'act of procreation' is the back bone or base of any relationship?...or any emotional relationship?...NO! is it not?

then how can we decide the existence of love based on only such acts?...as they are only procreation related behaviours and not love related behaviours...(we use it for recreation also!...that is the difference in the evolution!...we revolutionize every evolution!!)...so we wrongly presume that if some one does all those acts, then he or she is in love, otherwise not!...this is the fundamental mistake we make which brings in all the cold wars, frustrations and problems in relationships...whether between lovers or spouses!

so girls, don't think that the guy is not loving you if he has not kissed or hugged or given those looks you long for or those touches or words you long for...these are only superficial procreation related behaviours and not the real love related behaviours...i do agree that if these are not there, then the spice in the food (life) is missing and the food may not be tasty...and you might get bored with the 'curd rice' (routine life) faster...i am not talking about this here now as the focus is not on this (we will focus on this in some other mail!)...i am only saying that 'don't decide whether he loves you or not based on those behaviours in bold'...

by the way, if he indulges in only the bold letter behaviours, then take it for granted that he does not love you!...this is loud and clear!

yes...yes...i can hear you saying 'then how to decide?...where is that scale?'...

in few words if i have to say 'if he 'helps' you to achieve all the hierarchical needs defined by Maslow, then he really loves you'...

why i yellowed the word 'helps' is, many guys provide all the needs on the lap of the girls...they make them dump ducks!...most of our girls are happy in saying 'look! my hubby has given me everything!'...i think this is not the right way...when we 'help' or 'guide' or 'groom' them to achieve all these by making them to explore their own power, potentials and strength then they earn their needs...they cherish it more...they value it more...they realise it more...they feel they earnt all their needs by their own-selves...this boosts their energy and life...makes them to come out of themselves...get a feeling of fulfillment, achieved etc...and the look they would give you  will be different from ''look! my hubby has given me everything!'...do you understand the different in taste of the feelings?

ok...what are those needs?...hierarchical needs defined by Maslow...

all physiological needs...(hmmm...let us separate the pampering or romance or 'warming up' behaviours from here)...food, water, clothing, procreation etc...physical, emotional, legal, social, economical security...

all psychological needs...love and affection, self-esteem, self actualisation, helping others to self actualise...

so, in case your husband has created a social climate with you where you have got a good house, all comforts at home, freedom of decision making, freedom of expression, freedom to pursue your profession and passion, freedom to discuss any topic under the sky with him at ease, all types of protection i have said earlier, makes you to feel like a free bird, butterfly...then, you better fly and understand that he loves you too much...don't decide his love based on the procreative behaviours...so, don't say he does not love you or give a long breath or look at eternity if he does not hug or kiss or do all the bold letter acts...though they are also important for the spice in life!

there are many boys who slog themselves on job to provide you all that  said above...whether they like their job or not, they screw themselves to provide you and the children all that...they work like dogs and donkeys...day and night...foregoing all the comforts he has given you all...they just get time to sleep...so they don't get enough time and emotional state of mind to give you all the bold lettered behaviours...that is it...it does not mean he does not want to give you...he does not like you...he does not love you...etc...

in fact they are the best lovers as their expectations from you are the least...they only give and don't take anything from you...

ok..ok...ok...i understand your rising BP...frustration levels...anger etc...

have you ever thought of giving all that to him?...if you look with those eyes of 'give' 'take' etc then i will ask you some thing...if you say you have maintained the assets for him or reared his kids etc then he has also given all the list i mentioned above...is it not?...so instead of looking tangentially, look at with a positive note...give all that you want from him...you will be surprised to see him coming early and returning all that to you and kids!...in love 'what you give is what you get...and what you don't give is what you don't get!'...

throw away that age thing...i.e thinking that people should behave to their age...if you think on these lines you will ever remain 'dry' only!...so, throw away that blanket and come out!

i can hear the murmurs of another group of girls...who want to say ' F it man! this guy can not exhibit such behaviours!...no 'art of living' or 'romance' training can help!...he is a bloody bloody wood!!...ebony wood!!!...good for nothing!...wofffffffffffffffffffffff!'...

hmmmm....why some boys are unable to exhibit such behaviours?...why they are not able to live up to the expectations of their girls?...why they make the girls get the feeling 'everything is there but nothing is there!!!!'....why they make them to get frustrated?...why they make them dry?...why they make them to flirt!...hopp!!...leading to hung families...hung children...mess up with all social and legal issues in their lives?

this is a serious issue...as it is relevant to the physiological need...the basic need of life...though a spice but the salt too!...without salt food is not palatable!...that is why it is able to drive the life go haywire!

wofffffffffffff...the mail has become too long...we will see this in the next mail...ok....

bye...keep rocking guys and gals!

rams!