'my wife is not looking after me!'...'my husband does not love me!'...

--- On Sat, 29/10/11, M.RAMASUBRAMANIAN R.MANICKARAJAN <mramasubramanian1@yahoo.co.in> wrote:

From: M.RAMASUBRAMANIAN R.MANICKARAJAN <mramasubramanian1@yahoo.co.in>
Subject: 'my wife is not looking after me'...'my husband does not love me!'
To: "M.RAMASUBRAMANIAN R.MANICKARAJAN" <mramasubramanian1@yahoo.co.in>
Date: Saturday, 29 October, 2011, 8:00 PM

hai friends...

hmmm...in most of the families the problem is how to manage office work, home chores, social obligations...there is no time for anything!...husband blames wife that she does not have time for him (and children). Wife cries saying husband does not have time for her. Mostly the reason is their own mental make ups or personality traits...defining their life processes at home and office in a rigid way...'it should be like this...should be done like this only...you should only do this' mentality!

parents want their daughters to get education but want them to be traditional wives...get married to a guy...and live like 'kallaanaalum kanavan...pull aanaalum purushan'...'purushan pullai varam kudukkara saami! (kandraavidaa...see how people have coined!!..kekkavey kaathu koosuthu!!!)...parents say 'adjust pannikkommaa!'...some say 'padikkanum ney! padikka vachhuttom!...next 'nalla wife', veedu, kolandaingannu pozhappa paathhukkittu poviyaa!''...

parents and in-laws have not changed culturally and socially...they are still traditional...technology has invaded houses in the form of gadgets but their brain and concept of 'living' and 'life' is the same...it has not changed...

the guys who have grown up in traditional families seeing their parents have unconsciously made an impression about their wives as to how they should be...like their mothers...sub consciously they compare their moms and wives without their knowledge...they want the wife to be educated...working...at the same time be like their mother...spending all the time for the husband...getting up early...doing all the chores at home...attending all social functions...doing all the rituals...taking care of them 'NICELY' to their satisfaction.

if not the guys, the in-laws demand all these from the girls...

in some cases the guys or in-laws may not demand...the girl feels her life is not complete if she does not do all these by herself!

the physically, mentally and emotionally demanding jobs at home, office and social functions / obligations make the girls get stressed to the peak and they suffer physical and mental problems...if not big at least they are 'unhappy'...this slowly leads to obesity...unhealthy situation...diabetes, depression and hypertension in mid of their life...

we get chronic health problems not because of the bacteria or virus or worms...the cultural and social virus we have in us...our own personality traits...no one has pushed it in...we have formed by our own selves within us..so we are the culprits for our unhappiness, bad health and non achieving ...'zero failure syndrome'...the Type A personality issues...'i will live like this only'...'house should be like this'...'people at home should be like this'...'my wife should be like this!'...'my husband should be like this!'...'my son should be like this!'...for them to be happy they want all around them to do and be like what they want!...SUCH PEOPLE CAN NEVER LIVE HAPPILY...as they expect every one to live like them...they look for happiness in others...DICTATORS AT HOME!...rigid personalities...THEY ARE ACTUALLY UNFIT FOR LIVING IN A FAMILY!!!...they should not get married...they should live alone with few like minded people they can identify...if such people get married it would be torture for others...

we have parents who feel that 'marriage is a must and every one should get married and pass through the family social system'...which is totally wrong!...some evolve in their life to be unfit for family life. It does not mean that they are bad people. They are good people who live for others by being alone in life immersed in their principles, work, offices, labs, social life processes etc...For e.g a person who is workaholic...a person who is born to be dedicated to science to be in labs doing researches...a guy in social life through politics...a person who is totally devoted and dedicated to his profession...social activists...they are not made for families...they are made for societies!!!...so they can live in a society but not in a family!

such people will live a happy life if they remain alone without getting married as they can not spend time with people at family...can not show any emotions...as their mind is always occupied with their job, issues etc...they should seek emotional, physical and social support from their friends only...

so, in the erstwhile agrarian society where life (seeking sexual, other physical, emotional, financial, social support inside the family) was centered around family social processes and not on work, office etc, the old type of family system, 'marriage is a must' etc can hold good. But in the industrial society like the present one it does not hold good. Even in olden days RIGID PERSONALITIES were like dictators and women without any life support, education, social support were helpless and lived like slaves seeking status needs, self esteem needs, self actualisation etc including love through their kids...making them to study or do things that gave them social status and a sense of achievement...

in short for both boys and girls to be happy...in a family system...

1. boys have to come out of the traditional family life (wife should be submissive, has no freedom of speech, expression, decision making powers, should only listen and obey, should spend most of the time in taking care of him, should be a good 'house wife'...can not pursue any thing she likes in academics, entertainment, profession, self interests, etc...'her life is her husband and children'...)...and be highly flexible and adaptible

2. boys should allow the girls to design their daily life and allow them to live that

3. boys should understand that nature has produced girls to be self responsible and caring in a social life (social life means living with any one...husband or children or any human being). They need not define the life of girls. When left to them they design it properly to meet the ultimate ends and to make a happy and healthy family.

4. boys should understand that nature has produced both sexes with same physical and mental needs including status, esteem, love, social, self actualisation needs...and girls can not be kept inside the sinks and toilets and it is not possible for a girl to be good at office and home both. 

5. Boys should understand that it is a cruel social crime for a human being to just cook, clean, wash, nurse and die!...when nature has not produced them for that!

6. any amount of mechanisation of house chores can not reduce her burden as the time required does not reduce considerably to an extent of increasing their time on caring and loving with emotions.

7. Hey guys!...if she is on house chores and office jobs then she can not be available all the time with you for physical and emotional support with complete physical and mind involvement to satisfy you or kids to the most.

8. OFFLOADING and SHARING is the only way. Also several chores and rituals need to be cut and forgotten. We need to limit our expectations, requirements etc on these within the time that can be spared by both. 

9. don't try to live a agrarian family and social life while living industrial social life. Both have conflicting life processes at office, home and social situations.

10. If a girl or boy can not do all the above then it is better to remain as a single without marriage. For such people marriages would be a big failure, especially in the present social environment. Neither they nor the people at home can be happy and healthy. Remaining single is not a curse, not a sin not a wrong thing. There is nothing or right as long as it keeps you happy, healthy and makes you to excel. If others are not happy with your decision it is their problem. They have to kill their cultural and social virus and not you.

11. in our family system we always 'look after others'...this is wrong...the result is no one is responsible for their own selves. Whereas if every one first looks after himself or herself and also looks after others, then actually there will be less problems...less expectations from others...we will seek and give unconditional love...the actual peace, good health, happiness can exist at home. (e.g mothers sacrifice their health to look after others who are not allowed and groomed to look after them selves...when children are small they feed them (for their own emotional happiness) even if the child wants to eat on its own...

in our families mother says she lives for others at home, father says he lives for happiness of others, children say they go to school due to the pressure of their parents....now who lives for whom?...every one lives for the other?...let us think the other way...if every one looks after his or her own needs, be responsible, take care of themselves....then everything will fall in place...is it not?...this should start from childhood...like the western system.

We praise our culture...ie the way we live...the way we have designed the life processes...the duties and responsibilities of each status in the family social system...that of father, mother, children etc...which needs to be changed drastically to live in this industrial society!...let us not cling on with the traditional brains and mindsets...and try to live a healthy and happy life with achievements.

wish you great health, happiness and life full of achievements!

rams