Let us ban the relationship of 'husband' and 'wife'!

dear professors and professionals...would be grateful if you could read the following mail and tell me if i am right in what i am saying...

 

regards

ramasubramanian

 

 

 

 

hai friends...i am sure you must be shocked to see the subject title...hope you have not gone pale or think 'this guy has gone real mad'!!!...initially it might appear to be not interesting....but as you proceed you will find it to be interesting...ok vaa...!

when i look at the families, the way husbands and wives live, in the past and now, certain things clearly emerge.

Sociology defines family as a social system and nucleus of a society. There are many statuses like 'husband', 'wife', 'son', 'daughter', 'father', 'mother' in this family social system. Each of these statuses has a set of roles. Status is a social position which gives the identity and authority to the individual and roles are the functions which the individual in the status is supposed to deliver to thIs social system which will benefit others in the family.

The roles are not defined in black and white and we get the status by default in the family social system. Moment we are born, we get the status of 'son' or 'daughter' and we are expected to carryout the roles relevant to these statuses. No one teaches us 'look! you are in a social system as a son. Your roles are these. You are expected to be like this!' etc in a formal classroom. We learn from people around or by seeing people around...learning without our knowledge. This is applicable to all social statuses like 'husband', 'wife', 'father', 'mother'...no one teaches us when we get these statuses as to how to behave or the expected roles or responsibilities...

Now...the above is the education to proceed with the dynamics of 'husband' and 'wife'...

coming to the crux of the issue...'husband' and 'wife' are social statuses. They have some roles. No one teaches in a formal classroom how to be a husband or how to be a wife. We learn on our own, without our knowledge, by looking at our parents and the other husbands and wives in the society...we learn both 'how to be' and 'how not to be'. So, our brain hardware receives the inputs from all the sensors and stores this data without our knowledge. Moment we become husband and wife it releases this and changes our behaviours(!!!!) and tells from the subconscious mind 'Look! now you are a husband (or wife)...you are not supposed to behave the way you have been behaving...so far you were a boy or a girl or a student...you are no more that...now you have a status in society...you are having some responsibilities...there are lots of expectations from the people around you...better behave yourself...don't be childish...you are now governed by legal system of the country...better wake up!!!'...when the lovers get married the wife finds the boy to be different and the husband finds the girl to be different!!!

surprisingly 'lovers' is not a social status to my knowledge. So, there are no roles attached to this. i.e lovers are not supposed to exist in society...and lovers are not having any authority or power or responsibilities in the society. Probably this is the reason they don't show up to the society and hide to exist. This is the reason why the lovers means no responsibilities!...please note...between them there may be responsibilities or ethics to behave in a particular manner to keep the relationship going...i am not referring to the dynamics or organisation between them...i am talking in the view point of society and dynamics of social systems, as my focus is on 'husband' and 'wife' which form the nuclei of the fundamental social system called family!

so, lovers do not have any responsibilities...free birds...they do whatever they feel like...so they feel happy...they feel they are made for each other...they decide to marry...here comes the problem...now they enter into a social system called family...immediately after marriage they become 'husband' and 'wife'...hihihi...it means to their subconscious mind that they are no more lovers...no more out of the social system...bloody well inside the social system...and therefore they have got responsibilities...so now the subconscious mind releases the stored data and DIRECTS them, without their knowledge, to behave like the 'husbands' and 'wives' they have seen in their life...the lover boy behaves like a husband which the girl does not like when she expects him to behave like a lover...similarly the lover girl behaves like a wife which the boy does not like when he expects her to behave like a lover!!!!...do you now understand how the dynamics change and the conflicts arise!!!...it does not end there, as this is the starting point!!!

it gets further complicated when they take on the additional statuses and associated roles of 'father' and 'mother' which bring in conflicting demands from each spouse, with the ones which already exist!

we are not just the part of one social system called family. We are part of other social systems like work place, religious communities etc which provide us a social status and these statuses also thrust some roles on us. When two people coexist in a family the difference in their social statuses and the associated roles also create conflicts. They are not present when they are lovers...hihihi...as they are out of the social system...if they have fought as lovers, then it must be due to these differences!

when they wake up in the morning in the same house as husband and wife, not only the day starts, but also the issues of sharing the responsibilities...i.e roles...who will make the coffee...who will cook the food...what food...who will clean the utensils...who will wash the clothes or give it to dhobi and collect...who will clean the house...etc etc...we will see how these things happen and the dynamics there in the next mail...ok vaa...as it is out of the scope of this mail...

so, as lovers they were happy but as husband and wife they are not happy...as the string of 'responsibilities' and varied expectations (one in lover mode expects the other also in love mode but the other person is not in that mode)...so they feel the other person is not meeting the expectations...the person has changed...i got cheated...as a lover he was nice...now he has changed...my life is ruined...etc.

how can the social status 'husband' and 'wife' give happiness?...which have responsibilities...ie duty bound...which keeps the conscious mind preoccupied with duties...which does not expect and accept childlike or friendly or lover-like behaviours...which does not allow the individual to act freely and naturally with free mind...

in our culture, traditionally, the 'husband' or 'father' statuses have more authority and power in the family...so it makes him to act like a dictator, demanding, directing, controlling giving no freedom to other statuses in the house, including the 'wife' and 'mother'...making them to behave like slaves...workers...with out any respect for their opinions, emotions, wisdom etc...

So, obviously happiness can not exist in such an environment...the love in love life gets lost...the lovers become 'master and slave'...there comes a distance between them...they get separated...they are not the same they were...

the changes in the looks (shape and size) and behaviours and needs and wants of both also play their havoc in the subconscious mind, tells internally without the knowledge of the conscious mind (so we don't come to know...we only experience the effect of the conflicts inside)...'look! he is not the person whom you loved...he looks different...his behaviours are different...his needs and wants from you have changed / decreased...demands have increased...so, he is not the same person whom you loved...he is different...he is different...you are now living with a different person!!!!'...this issue adds fuel to the fire which is already burning...

so...so...so...i feel that the 'husband' and 'wife' relationship should be banned!!!

it does not mean people will remain unmarried!...they will undergo all the rituals and legal requirements of a marriage. But they will remain as 'friends' inside the house...as 'friendship' is a social status which merges different social systems and links the individuals in a social system in a healthy way...with its more enduring roles which are totally opposite to husband or wife. We should print the marriage invitation as 'on so and so date these two will jointly live as per the indian legal system as married couple as friends'...also we need to 'unlearn' the 'learnt' behaviours of husband and wife or father and mother...there are methods of doing it...we will see in the next mail...

Friendship is almost exactly the opposite kind of relationship. It is about reciprocity, mutuality, sharing, social obligations, cooperation and recognition of each other’s needs, respecting each others' view etc. It is much more than these also. It will certainly give much much more happiness than that is being felt at homes now. In fact, our girls look for behaviours of a friend more than that of a husband or father!

i am sure all of you must be cursing me for making this mail so long...all about life can not be discussed in one mail! we will see about 'what is friendship' etc in the next mail...'friendship' and the dynamics there is much more and much different than what we think in our minds right now...

ok guys and gals...are you convinced now that 'husband' and 'wife' should be banned and only 'friends' should be accepted and nurtured at our homes now and in future!...let us groom our children to be 'friends' inside the house before and after marriage!

see you later with more insights of life...

rams