PART II - cold wars...world wars...inside four walls!

dear friends....some of you might have agreed with my previous mail...some might not have...

the crux is

the parents should have created an atmosphere with the children so that the parents are considered as the 'soul mates' and 'best friends' by the children...children should feel easy  and comfortable to discuss any issue with the parents...they should feel that if they approach the parents they will get the right guidance...not directives...parents should never take any decision...they should aid in children taking their own decisions...presently parents are worried about the children doing 'something' about which they can not talk to them and they learn about that from their friends who are also not maturely aware about it...they can not talk because they have not created a conducive social climate with the children...a free atmosphere to talk...as they have always behaved as traditional parents...controlling parents....not as nurturing and grooming parents...this is due to our so called 'culture'...way of living...is it right?...if it is not right is it not our duty to change?...should we follow the rotten culture in which children consider their parents as the first and worst enemies, instead of best friends...who is responsible for this situation?...children or we?...so, we are responsible for all the problems...not the children...so, it is not correct to blame the children for flirts, wrong socialization, divorces etc etc...

i mentioned in   my earlier mail that in love marriage failures the blame goes to the lovers, actually the blame goes to the parents...if we study the issue by going into the deep roots...

so, let us stop blaming the children and start looking our own selves and the family dynamics we have created...i would like to give a conversation for better understanding...

'dad, can i wear this dress?'

'first tell me what is the purpose of a dress?'

'to cover the body and give a good look'

'you left something...to attract the attention of others'

'yes dad'

'to make every one look at our dress and say 'whav...what a nice dress...where did you buy?'

'yes dad...you are absolutely right!'

'you want every one to appreciate your dress, adore your dress, take a long breath looking at your dress'

with the eyes sparkling the girl says ''yes...yes...'

'you want to be an icon among your friends...you want 'acceptance' of your friends in their team through the dress!'

'mmm...not like that...but yes!'

'you want that they should appreciate your taste of selection, your knowledge about the fabrics and designs and they should say 'yei...next time we should take xxx for buying our dress di!...she is soo good in selecting dresses!'

'yes dad!...you are perfectly right!...how do you know all these dad?'

'ok...tell me...you want to be identified as sexy or pleasant or attractive?'

'what do you mean daddy?

'sexy means exposing, unsafe, appear to be beautiful but away from beautiful, adrenal stimulating, stimulating guys to pass sexy comments, follow and cause harm to you, not every one will like. Pleasant means not eye pricking but eye catchy, safe, soul filling beauty, will remain in the mind for ever, like a good fragrance, girls and boys equally adore, every one from young to old irrespective of gender will like you, elders will quote you and tell their children to dress like you. Attractive is in between both...youth will like it but not the elders...this will have the bad effects of sexy and some of the good effects of beauty. Now, tell me you would like to be sexy or pleasant or attractive?

(i am sure the child will think and choose between pleasant and attractive...but definitely after few days will select the pleasant only...may be she will select attractive for some time but surely will change over to pleasant after some time...)

'mmmm...attractive!'

'ok...anyway...you would like to be identified with your body beauty or as a good person...which one?'

'as a good person'

'if you wear revealing dresses, what impression others will form about you?'

'may be flirt, sexy etc'

'do you like that?'

'but dad every one wears dresses like that only'

'they may not know...may be no one had guided them properly...they may not be safe'

'but dad, if i don't wear like them, then they may not accept me in their group!'

'is it only dress based on which people want to be friendly with you?...you should be resourceful to them...that is all...if you have the resource they need, they will come and have friendship with you...the most important resource is being a source of happiness...if they feel happy being with you, talking to you and find some improving change in them with your relationship then they will come to you...they will look at the overall personality and not just the dress...as such you will wear only a pleasant dress and they will respect you for that!'

'no dad, what ever you say it may not work out'

'ok...take your time...think it over...and decide after two days...what is more important is safety, comfort, good stitching, good design, good quality of fabric and of course, a good cut and stitch and overall giving a pleasant looks'

the child will leave...but will think over it for a day or two...after that if you ask

'hai dear, what did you decide about the dress?'

you will be surprised..she will certainly say 'pleasant'...even if she says 'attractive' she will change over to pleasant after one or two dresses...and i am sure she will take you along for selecting the dresses...because she is confident that her father or mother is good, has good knowledge about the dresses and what is more personality defining etc...this is the way to win the confidence of children...

but generally we end the first question with 'this is not good. take this. this is good dress. you will wear this only!'...

this will only lead to fights...finally she will only take her friend for selecting the dresses...

this way of question and answer session can be had for any issue...this may not be required life long...with respect to dresses this one session will suffice for entire life...this way we can make them to be good decision makers of their lives...

bye...