Let us dig ourselves...Basics of Relationships!

hai friends...mail may be long...but interesting if you read as it is directly related to your life...after reading the mail if you don't feel happy differently and elated i will resign from sending mails.

how are you?...hope all fine...like our film director bharathiraja says...'yen iniya thamizh makkaley!...ungal paasathhirkkuriya rams matrumoru seithiyodu vanthirukkiraan!'

it is regarding the social dynamics between a husband and wife or between the lovers...or between friends...it could be any relationship...

'when some thing which is basic is missing then the relationship remains incomplete'

you can read this line many times...it is important to understand the discussion that follows.

right now take a paper. Write down what all you speak, for how long, how much emotionally...with your father or mother or husband or wife or any relationship you want to analyse...or observe your father and mother...note down the issues they speak, time and emotions involved...this will clearly tell you whether the relationship is complete or not.

most of the time a husband and wife who have crossed thirties speak only on issues where decisions are to be taken...eat at home or go out...which temple to go...where to invest...it goes on like this. Or they would like to know some information...e.g where are you going....when will you come back...etc...There is nothing much for them to talk. There is nothing common between them to talk

and cherish for a long time...may be both are busy...they are happy with a hug, or a kiss or a look or a touch or any other form of exhibition of love...short and sweet...'hmmmm...at the end of the day he (she) loves me. I am happy with that!...would be the answer...the long breath and silence speaks volumes of how the relationship is incomplete. Reasons may be many.

In olden days the marriages took place between 'families' and 'bodies'...more for procreation and for retaining the family social dynamics...not based on likes and dislikes...not on adaptability...not on aims and ambitions...definition of happiness...not on respecting each others' feelings etc...for a girl it was for economic and social security. She loved or 'remained' with her husband or 'habitually lived' with the husband mostly due to 'feeling of economic and social insecurity' and 'feeling of gratefulness' that she is being looked after at least with the basics. They might say that they are happy, but you can feel some incompleteness.

You might have observed that they do not have anything in common to talk or discuss or show emotions for a long time. Socialisation becomes on 'need to talk' basis. When they encounter some one with whom they have something in common then they talk for hours and hours...because there is some 'like' which they share in common.

I keep saying 'the best relationship is one where you can share any information and talk and talk for entire life happily without inhibitions or fear'...this relationship is named 'soul mate' these days...it could be any relationship!...father, mother, wife, husband, sister or brother, friend, chithhappa or periyappa, grand parents...it goes on...How nice if that relationship is wife or husband with whom we share our entire life!!!

For this to happen there has to be a common thing which both like and feel happy about discussing. Common platform of socialisation. If this is not there then the relationship becomes boring. You talk less. You talk more with people whom you share something in common. Then you start liking that person. It could become love too. It need not be sexual. It could be anything out of infinite types of loves that exist. Then the problems starts in life. As i have been always seeing 'variety' seeking behaviour (not referring to sex here) and 'possessiveness' are the two contradicting things which nature has cursed us with.

Next para is important...so read carefully...

Most of the time in a day we involve in work  or entertainment or rest. When we rest we don't socialise. When we entertain ourselves we like socialising. But entertainment is for less time. There is no time for this. We are busy. If we don't balance between rest, entertainment and work we can not be mentally and physically healthy and happy for a long time in life. So, it emerges clearly that we spend more time on work. If we have something in common related to work then there is a chance of socialisation, more time for socialisation, a common fulcrum point with respect to which adaptibility or adjustability or 'vittu kodukkum' feeling can arise or love or liking can bloom...liking between people can flourish, love can exist for long and experience infinite types of love, chances to experience more forms and dimentions of happiness, a long lasting relationship, a 'soul mate' type of relationship...all these can happen...

so if there is a common liking issue...may be related to art form...or profession...or anything which you do for most of the time in a day in conscious state of mind...then such a relationship is likely to last for a longer time experiencing several dimentions of happiness, love and liking. You will feel in heaven each second in such a relationship. It will keep changing with respect to the fulcrum point as the needs change over the five levels of needs of Maslow. The issue on which you share common interest becomes the 'achhaani' of your life. So, there is no breakage of relationship.

This theory i have explained above also falls in place with the theory that all human beings travel through the various needs defined by Maslow towards self actualisation which is based on skills and knowledge...which comes through sharing of knowledge and skill of common interest...i.e socialisation based on a common fulcrum issue of liking and sharing.

so...do you agree with me?...if you agree then look for a person with whom you can be like that while selecting your life mate...if you are already married then look for or create some fulcrum issue of common liking to make the relationship interesting, to get several dimentions of happiness and fulfilling completely.

All the best...hope you are different now and feel better after reading this mail...and you don't feel that you wasted your time.

rams