hai friends...i have been receiving comments on my mails...i am answering part of one mail here...

the comments are in yellow...my answers are in normal colour

I feel girls are becoming smarter giving equal competitions in every walk of life and finallly getting in their favour by some soft cornor feelings from society, poor boys have to scarifice in addition also to take the blame,...hai dhina...thanks for the comments...let us come out of the comparisons and weighing 'who has more freedom and power in the kitty' etc...moment we untie from all these issues we will find ourselves and othersfree inside the house...life to be beautiful...more happiness and good health...otherwise it would be suffocating to live inside the house...so let us not talk about 'girls should not be given more freedom and authority' and 'boys should be given all rights' etc...let us say 'every one is equal and has equal rights'.... In our family set up it is always good to have male as the head of the family...first let us cut these heads and tails!...let us not talk about the combined family issue as it can not exist with freedom of expression and act to every one in the present set up...all of us almost are living in nuclear families where the decisions should be out of shared opinions of all in the family...forget about only wife or husband...as all stake holders should be consulted...all decisions affect every one at home...it is something like an organisational context but with emotions...'head of the family' concept only will bring in dictatorship...master and slaves set up...brings in controls where people affected will go out of control...in the past at family and in society children or wife could not earn their living on their own and there was a social stigma...this is not a healthy condition and it has gone now...so if you apply control you will only loose...whether it is husband or wife or children...then we will land up singing those two lines in the tamil song 'yengeyo un mugam...naan paartha gnabhagam...yeppotho unnudan...naan vaazhntha gnabhagam!' meaning 'i remember having seen your face somewhere...i vaguely remember that we both lived together!'...('uyirey yen uyirey yennavo nadakkuthadi' song from movie 'thotti jaya' which came few years back!!)...our old way of living has following problems:-

1. there is lack of trust between kids and parents...parents always suspect the children and children do not have confidence on their parents. Parents try strategies on children and children try their strategies on  parents...is this a conducive environment for happiness, good health and growth????

parents think - children are children...they are not responsible...want to flirt...they want to move with opposite sex both at physical level and mental level...they can get cheated...they can land up in legal and emotional issues which will affect their studies, growth and the life of every one at home, they do things for fun and thrill without knowing the consequences, they take life too simple, they don't know the dangers in things they do, if left without monitoring they will damage their lives etc etc......

so, they control, monitor, direct, dictate, supervise, expect, make the minute to minute daily activities, places they should be, decide their dresses, decide the destiny of children, want their children to follow the life they decide and plan, they want their children to study the subject and college they decide, they want them to marry when they say and with the person they decide, they tell them to compromise, adjust, they decide the savings methods, they will decide whether the child will study further or get married, they  almost also decide the child deliveries etc etc...

so parents are MASTERS and children are SLAVES!...this is what our culture has created. We do have some exceptional cases. But only majority make the community and culture!!!

parents, by being so, actually they push their children to do what they don't want them to 'do'...in every act they push them towards 'that'...as they lose the emotional love and affection from their mother and try to get 'that' from their friends!!!!

parents may feel they are right in their behaviours...they are doing the right grooming...but no adult living organism can live in such a suffocating atmosphere...whether you like it or not this is the truth!...

Can a wife live if her husband is showing such behaviours or can a husband live in such an atmosphere if his wife is showing such behaviours on him?...no!...is it not?...because they can not tolerate that suffocation because they can live independently!!!!

so, children tolerate all these because of just TWO reasons...1. they are physically weak, economically weak, emotionally dependent, no social security and can not live independently...2. all said and done at the end of the day they love their parents!...just nothing more than that!...parents take this advantage and rule!...what is the end result...some parents lose their children and cry...first of all, why should we land up in this situation...why should we follow such a culture or way of living where both parents and the children feel suffocated???...why should we blindly follow the age old grooming method followed by our parents...why not we analyse, research the dynamics and redefine...so that both parents and children live happily...in fact, the final end point of both parents and children are the same...i.e to be happy, healthy, safe (physically, emotionally, economically, legally, etc) and achieved...but only the process is different...that is all!!!

now let us see what children think....

they feel...parents are living 100 years back, they don't know what is happening outside, we can not live in the outside world the way they say, they are not bothered about my ambitions, my passion, my likes and dislikes, they DON'T BELIEVE ME AND TRUST ME (i have made it bold as this is the major issue which affects the children mentally forever in their life!!!), they don't respect my views, they treat me like a child always, they decide every thing, subject, college, boy, what i should eat, when, what dress to where, when to go out and when to come, how to go, their list of don'ts is longer than the list of dos, they think that all the behaviours of children are towards physical union, parents can not think beyond that, they are so cheap and vulgar, they don't know anything about relationships, they say they are elders, matured etc but they don't know any shit about love, relationships etc, the list goes on and on...

there is another group of boys and girls who think 'what is wrong in being intimate also once in a while?...what bloody virginity?...it is only in the mind!...like the way 'thaali' or 'mangal sutra' sentiment has gone this also will go one day!...nothing wrong in being with a close friend!...we know how to protect ourselves and no one will know also!'...for this the parents say 'it might appear to be ok now...but it will always have an impact in the later life...some day or the other it can cause from mild rupture to major break down in life!'...in some cases (may be majority) it is true...in some not...but it is better to avoid something which is avoidable!

so, always there is a cold war or physical war between parents and children...

almost every alternate day i come across cases where the fights reach to a level of breaking of relationships...

i would like to bring here a case which is still ongoing...don't know how it is going to end...it is a classic case of what happens today in homes...

the girl has completed her Btech in a specialised research discipline...her passion is that...but getting chore jobs in that field is difficult...so she got an IT job...good salary...but her aim is to do Mtech at IITs or IISc or go abroad...her interest is research...she has the calibre and has completed btech with flying colours...but parents want her to work...may be the family economic situation is not that encouraging...fine...she has cleared GATE and so will get stipend and look after major portion of her mtech...when she wanted to go abroad for higher studies they said she can go only after marriage...now what she said is the thing to be noted here...she said 'If that is the case please get me married off...immediately...now!!..now!!!'...can you make out from these words that even if she gets married she will say bye bye and concentrate on her studies and research...her passion!...the bottom line is CHILDREN OF TODAY GIVE LESS IMPORTANCE TO MARRIAGE AND MORE IMPORTANCE TO THEIR PASSION!!!!...OR THEY WANT BOTH...NO COMPROMISES!

but the parents said they will marry her off only after two years...you know what happened finally?....the girl became a psychiatric patient and had to be taken to a psychiatrist!!!..looking at her condition parents agreed for higher studies and she contacted me and narrated all these...finally she attended the counseling at chennai and got her choice course and institution...when she told me over phone 'uncle, you saved my life!!' i could sense tears rolling on her cheeks...she was soooo happy!

but you know what is the latest?...i believe her parents have twisted again and compelling her to go for job!!...i really don't know what is going to happen!!!

in this case, does this girl want to run away with a boy?...does she say she will not study?...Is her request not genuine?

there is another girl, btech class first, who wanted to pursue studies and job, has been forced to get married which she did not want...tell me, how such marriages can survive?...if you say 'existing together within four walls' as successful marriage then i  beg to differ!...you might say 'they will initially resist but later with the love from the husband and producing babies they will change'...this is only for a short time...after five or eight years they will feel that they lost something...

in 1991, one old lady, 70 years, neighbours mother, brahmin, requested me to take to air station and show the aircraft and workshops...while i was showing her the biggest antisubmarine warfare aircraft i was moving ahead i could hear a big cry from behind...she was on the floor crying profusely banging her head on the tyres of the aircraft...saying 'my parents spoiled my life!'...i got frozen!...she said she was very good in studies, always class topper, but parents married her off at the age of 15...and thereafter she was only cleaning, cooking, washing, feeding etc...so, parents, please think!!!...though marriage, child birth, rearing are part of life they are not everything...there is something which is also important!

ok..let us come to what to do now?...how to rear the children?...how to be a good dhost to children?...how to win them?

what we don't do is helping the children to make decisions!...we give them the decisions which we should stop!...from may be 2 years of age we should involve the children in helping at kitchen (we should have patience to teach...saying 'they can not do with quality and they will mess up to add more cleaning work for us' is wrong...truth is we don't have patience to teach...we only shout, abuse and criticise...may be we can give cleaned utensils and tell the child 'to and keep it there'...it might do with mistakes once or twice...but third time onwards it will exactly do the way we say....and apply intelligence too in case of different situations...we need to groom the children to make their own porridge, break fast etc...

when they reach 4 years of age they start thinking, so we can start asking questions...why like this...why not like this...how we can do this...etc...never under estimate the capability of children...they should make their own breakfast and lunch too...boild eggs (without yellow), toast, boiling of milk (using induction stoves), making hot water etc...

the more we ask questions and make them to think, the more they grow, get groomed, get prepared for the life ahead, get to know how to handle threats from nature, people, organisations, social groups, how to coexist etc...

when they reach may be eight years, they should be able to cook rice, make soup, boil corn, make dosas etc...believe me if you start from age 2 they will reach this stage at eight...

you will wonder looking at the capabilities of your child!

at 10 they should be able to cook, catch a civil bus and go to school and will know what is right and what is wrong...

after 10, children do not need parents...they only want FRIENDS...so be a friend...and not a parent......till 10 they exhibit PUPPY behaviour...i.e they always move around the parents asking for food, love and affection, clothes etc...parents are their world...

after 10 they exhibit CAT behaviour...i.e only when they feel hungry they will come to you (saying meow ....meow...) once their hunger is met they will go back...if you call them they will just turn and give a look 'i remember having seen you somewhere!!'...

(the ages i have given here i.e after 5 years of age...are flexible by + or - 2)

so after 10 they want to be independent...the boys want to button their shirts on their own...they don't want your help...so this is the time we should forget ourselves that we are parents...we should behave like friends...in discussing...playing etc...

this is the time we need to groom them to pick their MODEL...if you notice some boys pick tendulkar or abdul kalam or a tennis player or a body builder as their model...so, we should help them to choose their passion...their model in that...by showing all the world of oppurtunities and knowledge available so that their passion can be selected both based on INTEREST and INBORN SKILLS which can be nurtured, groomed and sharpened...

now on he will be on his own pursuing his passion...he will be good in studies...he will be matured...he knows what to do...how to behave...what is good...what is not good...who is good...who is bad...judge people...

they will become creative too which is the need of the hour everywhere...

so, they will be on their own that you can relax...pursue your passion...no need to be behind him to get up in the morning to study...no need to tell him to stop playing and come for studies in the evening...no need to monitor his phone calls, internet sites, books and note books, check friends, check where she or he went, when came etc...you will be amazed to see their maturity!

therefore, INSTEAD OF GIVING SOLUTIONS AND ORDERS, WE SHOULD ONLY ASK QUESTIONS...MAKE THEM TO THINK...AND ALLOW THEM TO TAKE DECISIONS...we should only HELP and GUIDE them TOWARDS decisions...and not to give decisions...it could be on anything...what dress we should wear?...why not t shirt and short skirts?...whether dancing in parties is right?...whether drinking in parties is right?...whether s before marriage is right?...what is flirting?...whether i should go for the picnic or not?...whether i should go for the tour or not?...for each of these questions we should ask atleast 20 plus questions...what ever is the decision, convert them in to questions and ask...you will find they coming to the same decision you wanted to give or they might have some doubts or apprehensions or solutions to sort out the anxieties you have...again here you can ask questions and clear...

for e.g when my daughter asked me at the age of 10 whether dancing in parties is right?...i asked her many questions...she answered...wherever she could not, i helped her to give the answer...i left it there...next day i asked her 'so, what did you decide?'...she gave the decision...in this case, the issue is deeply analysed...the child understands the issue deep from the roots...the pros and cons...advantages and disadvs...and takes the decision...so, it has to be right!...whether it is acceptable to us or not!...some times we learn...some times they learn...finally both the parties learn, agree and understand...so there are no issues...the child also matures over a period of time and knows on its own what is right or wrong for her...how to conduct etc...

so, when she comes to me with one question, i will ask as many questions as possible and take out the answers from her and leave her to think and decide...i give hours or days to decide...finally she will only take the decision...it is the case in all situations...whether course to study or higher studies or work or anything...

all living organisms teach their off springs how to live...they don't support life long...when the wings grow the baby birds leave the nest and the 'parents-children' relationship is forgotten...the so called evolved human beings only do not prepare the off springs and leave them high and dry or get stuck to them saying they can not live on their own..after all they are 'children'!...we only teach them how to earn...don't teach...make them learn on their own under your guidance by asking questions...

do you agree with me? (discussion on other mails later!)...are you ready with your questions to your child for the day?

keep rocking

rams:-h wave