hai friends...how are we?
to know the reason, let us go back by few thousands of years...when civilisation started i.e concept of living at one place...homosapiens as a 'food producer'...starting point of family...the fundamental social system...every one worked in fields...both men and women...no division of labour...during this time no ambition...they produced food...ate...lived together...marriages took place within groups...so the girl and boy fully knew the PERSONALITY TRAITS of each other...likes and dislikes...so the marriage system followed may be right...(word 'personality trait' lists a big list of traits of human beings which need to be matched or adaptable to each other when two people decide to live together with the roles and statuses as husband and wife...at least the most important traits as considered by both...)
as living progressed...division labour came...i.e woman working inside the house and man outside...division of societies based on type of job...then economy...then came religion and caste...discrimination went viral...then all the social discrimination between man and woman...the life and social systems became complicated...all against women!...(if you want and have the patience to read then go to the end of the mail...the list is there)
when farming was the basic job marriages took place within the streets or village...when the farm products based industries developed men went outside the village and worked...to near by towns...so the physical contact between the girl and boy got lost...though marriages took place within close relatives, castes etc the girl and boy did not know each other completely...though they met in festivals, here and there...now and then...
when government jobs came, other industries developed, men started going away to cities within and outside the states...education developed...all developments came to the benefit of men and women continued to remain inside the house with work in kitchens and toilets...the oppurtunity for the girl and boy to know the personality of each got totally lost...now marriages took place through match making through horoscope, religion and caste with the boy and girl seeing each other for few seconds during the formal match making ceremony...it was believed that same caste means the 'way of life' i.e customs, traditions, belief systems etc will remain the same...so the personality traits will match...the boy only had the freedom to tell whether he liked the girl, and by and large the girls were convinced by people around...in most cases the dreams of the girl were shattered and she compromised and accepted the guy due to the pressures of the people at home and community...when the boy and girl saw each other they only saw each other's body and of course, from the way of dressing, behaviours etc felt 'she will be suitable to my family'...so personality traits were presumed to match...bodies and papers (horoscope) only were matched...in most cases the compatibility of the girl to the people in the family was looked rather than the match for the boy...the mothers looked for a good d in law then a good wife for their boy...match for the boy was looked at only in terms of height, body, colour of skin etc...
so, it is more of a physical body matching with respect to the boy...for the girl, it is the job security of the boy, overall physical looks of the boy were matched...
the physical body, looks etc change for a girl after marriage with weight gains before and after the child delivery, the shapes change, skin tone changes, wrinkles arise (there is joke on this...once in US the mother in law went to her daughter-in-law's house and found her waiting for the husband in the 'birthday' dress...when she got shocked the d in law explained that her husband wanted it that way when he comes from office...this old lady felt she now knew the manthra, went back home, changed to 'birthday' dress and waited for the old husband...he entered and got shocked...the old lady said 'i am waiting for you in my 'birthday' dress!'...he said 'your dress needs to be ironed!...by the way what is there for dinner?')...the boy also puts on weight and started growing belly, fat cheeks, starts loosing hair, walking style changes due to weight in thighs, butts and belly, back bone bends due to cantilever belly weight...
now the body, looking at which the boy agreed for marriage is no more...in the case of the girl also it is the same but she compromises as her needs of 'social, economic, emotional and legal security' is more important than other wishes or needs...due to aging, changing roles, responsibilities, problems of life, occupation etc the behaviour of the girl and boy change...when the looks of the girl and the behaviour chane, the boy's subconscious mind said 'she is not the girl whom you liked and married'...
so, in marriages where the personalities matched and changed in match with the other spouse or where there was acceptability, adaptability etc the marriage survived...
so with respect to the physical intimacy and romance part is concerned, the traditional marriage system matched mostly the body which is perishable...so, we can say that it was on a weak footing...it never matched the personality traits...i.e the needs of the one from the other, the ambitions, the way of life etc...how can we have a life long relationship based on a perishable stuff...?
so no wonder it failed either at physical level with divorce or at mental level with both the girl and boy just 'existing' within the four walls for the sake of the people at home and society...compromises were always from the girl's side with the 'help' of the people at home...so they saved the culture rather than their lives!!!
in the past the girls satisfied their need hierarchies through their husband and children...they felt happy when their husband and children achieved...derived the status through the wealth and authority at home when d in law entered the home...
today the girls are out of the house...they are educated...they have high ambitions...there is no discrimination between girls and boys at school or college or at office...the world has changed...but people at home and society have not changed...this i am saying seeing the plight of educated girls in rural areas...the parents in rural areas want their girls to study or give them the freedom to study with a promise that after marriage they will marry the boy whom they show...the feel that education is to get a job in case a need arises in their life to earn...so it is only for making money for their living rather than to satisfy the thirst to be economically independent, to improve their self esteem, to improve their confidence in life, to feel achieved, to be out of the 'slave or parasite' feeling...
culture is not defined inside the houses...it is what is existing in the society...like anything under the sky, it undergoes change continuously...it is not under the control of a single individual or a small group of people...the origin and end point of change is invisible...most of the cultural changes are driven by the technological developments...so, we can not say 'this is our culture and we have to live within that'...
there is no point in debating which is right culture and which is wrong culture...change is the only thing that does not change...we need to accept this...right and wrong depends on the individual and the society around...if a person feels the people and society around are not conducive for happiness then they will change the society...so we will be left alone...if old people are alone, it is due to their rigidity...not ready to analyse, appreciate and understand the people and things around them...any way of living which gives endless happiness, good health (physical, mental and social) and self actualisation is right...that is all!...if we say that only our culture is right, then all people outside india or tamil nadu should be unhappy, unhealthy and not self actualised...but it is not so...so, we can not say looking at the superficial things that a way of living is wrong...we need to go to the grass roots to understand and appreciate.
in old agrarian social system, only money came from outside the family and all needs like physical, emotional, educational etc were met inside the house...today in the industrial society people spend more time outside the house, have more people and relationships outside the house and therefore most of their needs get met outside the house or family...so family will certainly loose its importance...as said by the world acclaimed social scientist and father of sociology in india, prof G.S. Ghurye, the family system will exist but form, composition, roles and statuses will change and the society will be multi lingual, multi cultural...i.e a family will have a mix of people from different religions and regions even from abroad.
we can not have both agrarian and industrial way of living mixed up together...in industrial society, the dwelling has to take place in units where the people come only for socialisation, fun, more interaction, sharing of thoughts, emotions, physical needs etc...not to cook, clean, wash, house keeping etc...what presently happens is the small time available is spent in cooking, cleaning, washing utensils and clothes and other house keeping activities and there is no time for the spouses to interact, discuss, share the thoughts, emotions, and other needs from each other...so it is only emotional outbursts, fights, friction, separation etc...
in an agrarian society we had one lady cooking for just four or six where as she can even cook for more...i.e may be four ladies will cook for 500...so, we need to have multistorey dwelling units like we have abroad which has total security (electronic and manual), house keeping, furnished (the family has to just enter with their clothes and personal belongings and all others are provided inside including stove, utensils, washing machine, fridge etc etc), general food and food on order cooked as per house cooking should be provided in the ground floor at nominal cost, with laundrate etc...
ok...we have deviated...the crux is...in an industrial society all the bigggg list which you saw below will vanish...girls are as free as boys...boys have to share all the jobs...no division of labour...the 'honey moon' days of boys sitting idle and women slogging inside the house only are gone...
so, it is more of personality matching that is required...so traditional system of marriage only will not hold good...you can look at horoscope and perform other rituals of match making...but the personality traits matching has to be there...i.e the needs, ambitions, definition of freedom, happiness, authority have to be matched...otherwise, the marriages are bound to fail...the concept of life mate has gone and they need to be soul mates...other wise you know what will happen...intellectual companionship is a must and it can not be neglected....
if some one says 'what do the children know, only we elders should look after them' then they are not grown properly...not grown to take decisions in life...not grown to define their destiny...we can only guide, help or assist in this process...whereas we feel 'we are everything for our children, they don't know anything'...this will not only ruin our happiness and health but also of the children...such parents in future will certainly loose their children...and blaming the children is not right!
the parents are the culprits if an arranged marriage fails and the boy and girl are the reason if a love marriage fails...if we analyse the case studies with out cultural bias we will find this is right...
awareness of today's children are much more, wide and deep than ours...only thing is we can list the pros and cons of a decision and allow them to decide their path...may be we can help them to apply course corrections in the process of implementation...but can not take decisions...
also we can not have extravagant and lavish marriage ceremonies of the past as if a marriage fails everything is lost. If we feel 'i wanted to conduct the marriage like this, irrespective of it is successful or failure...i did it for my satisfaction and not for others!'...then it is ok...
so, parents, we need to change, and do more of personality matching than body matching...
and children, you need to have the patience to explain and convince what you feel is right...take the parents along...can not leave them aside and move ahead in life...as...remember...they are the ones who will be your side always under the sky...no relationship can be matched with the relationship 'mother'...it is impossible to get a relationship like 'indian mother'...as they have sacrificed their entire life only for their children....not even to their husbands...so, it is impossible to get a relationship on earth like this....almost all the parents of india define their life as 'children'...they live for children...only thing is they don't know how to groom the children for an industrial society...that is all...they are over possessive, too careful...still live in agrarian society or in 'neither there nor here' position....they are interested in only your happiness, security and advancement...that is all...they just over do it...so it is better to take them along than leaving and going...for this you need lots of patience, ability to explain, counsel, make them understand that children are also matured, responsible etc...
all the best
rams
The girl has to love a stranger and accept him as husband, life mate and soul mate whether she likes or not...she has to live for family members of her family and boy's family...she can not have her own wishes, beliefs, needs etc...
A Woman has to bear the child
deliver it taking a rebirth if lucky
get up first at home
give coffee to all
look after the parents
look after the in laws
cook food at home
take care of all people at home
teacher for her children
clean the house
wash the clothes, dry them, fold them, iron them, keep them ready
take care of all the rituals
even if educated can not be ambitious, not to go on transfers, can not write promotion exams, should not expect promotions and growth, no further education, no socialisation at office and outside,
can not lift the head up and walk, should put her head down while walking
can not be taller than her husband
can not be intelligent than the boy
should be less aged than the boy
does not have the right to select her life mate, has to marry whomsoever their parents decide
boys were never encouraged to help their sisters in their work
men entering kitchen to help their wife were ridiculed by the women themselves
mothers had to accept to their in laws and husbands to kill the girl child after birth
boy children were stolen from mothers
if a girl got mentally affected due to all the above she was attached with social stigma of ghost
branded as unlucky if the husband's family did not do well in wealth and health after marriage
boys will study engineering but girls will only learn stitching, nursing, making handicrafts etc
boys can be out-going, adventurous, brave and helpful but a girl has to be dependent, submissive, quiet and obedient
no freedom of thinking
shouting from her own mother if she comes late, stands outside the house, plays with boy children
a mother, a daughter in law, wife, sister,
perform different duties and responsibilities showing different emotions
participate in all functions with lots of emotions
feed all at home and eat the left overs at the end
wash the utensils...
i don't know which idot coined this... 'pin thoongi mul yezhuvaal pathhini!'...means 'a pure family girl who thinks only her husband will sleep after the husband and wake up before him!'...what a bloody animalistic view!
take care of all the finances but no freedom to spend money
keep the house and surroundings clean and tidy
keep good relationships with all
not to laugh ...'pombalai sirichhaa pochhu, pogaiyilai virichhaa pochu!'...meaning 'if a girl smiles the life of the family is ruined!'...so she is not supposed to smile!...
no freedom of expressions
no freedom to take decisions at home
she should work and earn
can not have her father's name after her name
should not visit her home often after marriage
almost forget her parents and siblings once she gets married
she has to forget her village, people, friends and everything of her origin after marriage
will undergo sexual abuse and have to accept it and not to open the mouth
if the girl belongs to a lower caste then has to undergo that brunt too
during days of menstruation has to sleep outside the house with plates and utensils separate, like an untouchable, shiver in the night, die of mosquitoes,
she will get the less importance for health and medical treatment in comparison with boys
no property rights from parents
have to face all the tortures of her in laws and live
not to give up the respect of her birth place and bear all the trauma to live with the hell
not to talk anything about her husband's house to any one
men will be more visible and audible at home
amniocentesis
wage discrimination
child labour
no education
early marriage, early children, survive if lucky,
economic insecurity as she can not do anything
social isolation and discrimination
can not live alone in society
social stigma to all those who oppose all the above
have to walk long distance for water
have to carry food for men in the fields
produce as many children as her in laws desire
ridicules and tortures of family and society if she can not give birth to boy child
ridicules, social stigma and tortures if she can not bear a child (due to the inabilities and health issues of her husband!)
given mean jobs at work compared to men
ill-treatment and sexual abuse at work by the employers
suspicion tortures by husband and his family
should follow the value system while the boy need not
her father should spend lots of money for each function and festival
only the boy will get all the nutritious food and girl child will get only the left overs
kill the girl child
dowry system
if husband dies she can not wear colour clothes, no bindi, no bangles, no mangal sutre, she can not participate in any happy functions, the bride and bridegroom can take blessing of all but not their own mother if she does not have her husband
can not remarry
has to wear all symbols of married girl whether she likes or not
has to give up all symbols of marriage after husband dies
can not think of another man in life whereas the man have many girls in his life, if she comes to know, she has to accept and live
a function is conducted with all cruelty to make her as ugly as possible after the husband's death
she has to die with husband in the pyre
she has to live with the husband however torturous he may be with addictive habits
she can not question any one at home, forget about husband
boy child will get education and not the girl child
boy child can go and play and not the girl child
boy will have fun while the girl does the domestic chores
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