urgent attention...married, unmarried and parents with 'ready for marriage' children!

hai friends...recently i attended a marriage...the memory has not yet gone from my mind and the girl is back at her home saying 'i can not live with him and i want divorce!!!'

i have also been receiving mails saying 'what is this sir!...even love marriages are failing!'

in my opinion, the reason for failures in arranged marriages are due to the parents and in love marriages it is due to the lovers.

Now let us analyse this case...

Inputs

1. girl is masters in engg...boy is masters in computer applns...

2. girl's parents told me before marriage that it was fixed long time back...means the girl and boy have agreed...they must have interacted...shared their needs and wants they expect in this relationship and personality traits to check their adaptability to each other...even both the parents must have discussed with each other regarding their (in-laws') expectations and adaptability factors...

3. both the families are from same city

4. they (both the boy and girl and the families) have put in their best for some time (within this short time!) to make the marriage work but nothing could change her mind

expressed reason for separation

girl wanted to work and live in a particular city but the guy did not want to work there.

what could have happened

i am sure the girl must have expressed her desire...strongly too as there was sufficient time for socialization...parents also must have noticed her need as they are supposed to be the closest to know about their daughter well...

probably what could have happened is that all of them must have 'taken her for granted'...must have thought that 'she will say like that, but will change after some time'...'every one says like this, but change after marriage'...'woff! such a bloody silly need which can be neglected!'...'what a silly girl she is!...married life has so many issues to handle and this is so piddly!'...'let her say what ever she wants to!...let us finish our responsibility of getting her married!'...'getting a suitable match is sooo difficult and let us not loose this match for this silly issue!'...'she is a baby and does not know anything about life...we will go ahead and make her change after marriage'...etc...etc....

in a nut shell she and her needs were neglected or given least importance and the focus was on getting her married and finishing the responsibility!

now the result in front of them...

the good point here is that her parents have accepted her and allowed her to live her life now as she wants.

you know the losses...emotional losses...financial losses (gold, marriage expenditure in lakhs etc etc)...social losses...

I only hope that they learn the lessons rather than counting the losses!

(i strongly feel that our praised culture has soooooooooooooo many flaws and the social systems formed by our predecessors have sooo many ropes around the neck of the life!)

what they must have matched?...caste, religion, wealth, personality traits of (only) the families, height, colour of skin, body size, horoscope and belief systems...

in olden days the caste or religion indicated their way of life...what they eat, believe, wear, rituals, ceremonies, customs, traditions and culture...in the multicultural, multilingual, multi-religious mixed society where friendship overrules all these, do caste or religion really matter?...may be it does not matter in urban and HIG famlies...and matters in rural and middle and LIG families...hmmmm...saddddddddddddd!

what they should have matched or allowed the boy and girl to match or helped them to check the match through their involvement...?

needs...(strong physical, mental, social needs which can not be compromised with)
wants...(comfort needs of physical, mental and social which can be compromised to an extent)
beliefs...religious, non religious, superstitious etc
customs of the boy and girl first and then that of the families...
traditions which they follow...again boy and girl first...
likes and dislikes...
sharing of common jobs at home (maintaining home, washing, cooking, cleaning etc)
possibility of germination of love between them through the matched or attracted personality traits...
emotional compatibility (can one meet the emotional needs of the other?)
intellectual compatibility (can they discuss some issue without disagreements or conflicts or can they agree to disagree etc)
knowing the expectations of one from the other and their ability to meet the expectations...
the issues in which they can compromise out of the above, level or extent to which they can compromise...
whether this level of compromise is agreeable to the other or not...
their emotional intelligent levels and maturity to sit and discuss each issue of incompatibility and arrive at a solution...

(if there is any cheating intention in the above between the boy or girl or the families, which is a 'culture' in our cherished culture, it is wrong and marriage obviously will not succeed...whom are they trying to fool and what are they trying to achieve?...'appearing as husband and wife in the eyes of others?'...is this the parents want their children to do?...it is high time we think!!)

though all these factors considered for the match change or diminish or increase over a period of time due to the five levels of needs and wants in different ages and stages of life, at least, it is better to see the match of these at the time of marriage...

they used to say 'marriages are made in heaven'...obviously they were not made on earth with realistic factors to be considered...!!...as god only can save those marriages!!

if some one feels that 'staying inside a house together'  or 'appearing to be happy living' is what is the meaning of a successful marriage, i beg to differ!

existence of perceived love to satisfy the biological needs is also not an indicator of existence of love or togetherness (there are many who are good couple in the darkness and 'cat & dog' during day light due to mismatch of other emotional, intellectual and social needs!)

in many cases it is the social stigma or the feeling of insecurity which is making people to coexist in the traditional family...may be still love existed between the two due to possessiveness ( i am still unable to figure out their definition of love, as that love only brought fights, strained relations, togetherness in darkness, demanded living together etc...is it real love?...how can a relationship that gives pain and some happiness be called as love?...surprising!)

there has to be a strong attractive factor between the two other than the ability to satisfy the emotional needs...if it is not there, then may be only single bond (emotional bond to satisfy the biological needs) is likely to exist between these two reactants and not certainly double bonds (emotional and social) and triple bonds (emotional, intellectual and social)...(dei ramsu!...how did you bring chemistry in this chemistry?)...as we know more the bonds, strong is the bond between the two...less the bonds, weak is the bond...

in the past the marriages were purely based on horoscope, wealth matching of both parties, 'good family' concept, 'will she be a good daughter-in-law' concept...it did not look at the 'matching of the minds' of boy and girl...only looked at age, height, color, weight and whether the boy drinks or smokes etc.

It only considered the girl as a 'unpaid servant' who should give 'everything' to the boy and his family...the girl was uneducated and had no security of anything (social, financial, physical and emotional) and therefore, had to purely depend upon the boy and his family members...his parents only kicked her back to the boy's house and it was only miseries...miseries and miseries! If you want to know the state of girls in the past you can read the following:-

A Woman has to bear the child
deliver it taking a rebirth if lucky
get up first at home
give coffee to all
look after the parents
look after the in laws
cook food at home
take care of all people at home
take care of the emotional, physical, mental and social needs of everyone at home...
displaying multiple emotional traits at the same time to tackle children,husband and in-laws at the same time...
she was shiny at the time of marriage and became a torn cloth like the cleaning cloth she had in hand all the time at home...
she took care of every one and never cared to take care of her...brushed at 12 noon...ate the left overs at 1 pm...fed every one at two...ate her lunch at 4...did all the chores till night and ate the left overs after feeding dinner to every one...slept late night and got up first at 4 or 5 to start the grind again...to continue for ever in life...
teacher for her children
clean the house
wash the clothes, dry them, fold them, iron them, keep them ready
take care of all the rituals
even if educated, can not be ambitious, not to go on transfers, can not write promotion exams, should not expect promotions and growth, no further education, no socialization at office and outside,
can not lift the head up and walk, should put her head down while walking
can not be taller than her husband
can not be intelligent than the boy
should be less aged than the boy
does not have the right to select her life mate, has to marry whomsoever their parents decide
boys were never encouraged to help their sisters in their work
men entering kitchen to help their wife were ridiculed by the women themselves
mothers had to accept to their in laws and husbands to kill the girl child after birth
boy children were stolen from mothers
if a girl got mentally affected due to all the above she was attached with social stigma of ghost
branded as unlucky if the husband's family did not do well in wealth and health after marriage
boys will study engineering but girls will only learn stitching, nursing, making handicrafts etc
boys can be out-going, adventurous, brave and helpful but a girl has to be dependent, submissive, quiet and obedient
no freedom of thinking
shouting from her own mother if she comes late, stands outside the house, plays with boy children, laughs louder
a mother, a daughter in law, wife, sister,
perform different duties and responsibilities showing different emotions at the same time...so undergoes intense emotional stress
participate in all functions with lots of emotions
feed all at home and eat the left overs at the end

wash the utensils...
i don't know which idot coined this... 'pin thoongi mul yezhuvaal pathhini!'...means 'a pure family girl who thinks only her husband will sleep after the husband and wake up before him!'...what a bloody animalistic view!
take care of all the finances but no freedom to spend money
keep the house and surroundings clean and tidy
keep good relationships with all
not to laugh ...'pombalai sirichhaa pochhu, pogaiyilai virichhaa pochu!'...meaning 'if a girl smiles the life of the family is ruined!'...so she is not supposed to smile!...
no freedom of expressions
no freedom to take decisions at home
she should work and earn
can not have her father's name after her name
should not visit her home often after marriage
almost forget her parents and siblings once she gets married
she has to forget her village, people, friends and everything of her origin after marriage
will undergo sexual abuse and have to accept it and not to open the mouth
if the girl belongs to a lower caste then has to undergo that brunt too
during days of menstruation has to sleep outside the house with plates and utensils separate, like an untouchable, shiver in the night, die of mosquitoes,
she will get the less importance for health and medical treatment in comparison with boys
no property rights from parents
have to face all the tortures of her in laws and live
not to give up the respect of her birth place and bear all the trauma to live with the hell
not to talk anything about her husband's house to any one
men will be more visible and audible at home
amniocentesis
wage discrimination
child labour
no education
early marriage, early children, survive if lucky,
economic insecurity as she can not do anything to make her living
social isolation and discrimination
can not live alone in society
social stigma to all those who oppose all the above
have to walk long distance for water
have to carry food for men in the fields
produce as many children as her in laws desire
ridicules and tortures of family and society if she can not give birth to boy child
ridicules, social stigma and tortures if she can not bear a child (due to the inabilities and health issues of her husband!)
given mean jobs at work compared to men
ill-treatment and sexual abuse at work by the employers
suspicion tortures by husband and his family
should follow the value system while the boy need not
her father should spend lots of money for marriage, each function and festival and should give a big wealth to the boy's family to maintain her throughout her life
only the boy will get all the nutritious food and girl child will get only the left overs
kill the girl child
dowry system
if husband dies she can not wear colour clothes, no bindi, no bangles, no mangal sutre, she can not participate in any happy functions, the bride and bridegroom can take blessing of all but not their own mother if she does not have her husband
can not remarry
has to wear all symbols of married girl whether she likes or not
has to give up all symbols of marriage after husband dies
can not think of another man in life whereas the man have many girls in his life, if she comes to know,  she has to accept and live
a function is conducted with all cruelty to make her as ugly as possible after the husband's death
she has to die with husband in the pyre
she has to live with the husband however torturous he may be with addictive habits
she can not question any one at home, forget about husband
boy child will get education and not the girl child
boy child can go and play and not the girl child
boy will have fun while the girl does the domestic chores


wofffffff...did you read patiently?...i am sure i would have missed many more...i could only get these from my brain...i am also sure that nothing here is wrong or not followed in our society...

i thought all these are over...but instances like above indicate that it is still there...still i can see each house having a cage in which the worst affected 'domestic animal'...the lovable animal... on earth is inside with all wild animals around!!...and all other living organisms (like birds, insects, plants and other animals) around them are actually living like matured, nature directed lovable animals!...i think we are considering ourselves better than animals only because our social system functions on 'one man one woman' concept...is this one factor sufficient enough to call ourselves better than animals?...a point to think...

parents need to understand that 'agrarian society' and agrarian way of living is gone and now it is 'industrial society'...otherwise on the day of marriage they can keep the blank divorce forms also ready!

wofffff....the mail has grown sooooooooooooo long...so to cut is short (otherwise some one will send 'KISS' (Kut It Short Subbu!) signal)
i would like to say that the fulcrum of industrial society living lies in emotional, intellectual and social compatibility and sharing of everything under the sky as 'friends' and not as 'husband' and 'wife'...here, though biological need is there but the compatibility of intellectual and emotional needs matter a lot...we will compare and contrast the way of life in agrarian society and industrial society in the next mail....until then....

ravusu rams!