Let us dig ourselves...'do you love your husband?'

From:

"M.RAMASUBRAMANIAN R.MANICKARAJAN" <mramasubramanian1@yahoo.co.in>

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(all my mails are made for my classmates...so please don't mind the language used...see only the crucks of the issue!)

hai friend...this is an interesting mail...i am sure you will enjoy it...may be get enlightened too! (dei...adikkaatheydaaa!)

(in the last mail 'job' refers to anything we do other than 'entertainment' and 'rest' (for the real meaning of these words refer to psychology issues on google or psychology books...you will know that your understanding is not completely correct!...may be completely wrong too!)

This is not a gender specific mail. So, i am not specifying any gender though i have used he, she, person etc...you can replace these with any word which is applicable or suitable.

ok...let us kick ...sorry...kiss start....as it is about love.

before that...for the busy eyes...you can read only the theory and carry on...but if you want to enjoy and know the answers for why?..how? etc then read the entire mail. ok vaaa..!

Rams's Theory of lovology!

If you are married/going to marry  a person who loves / loved you then my suggestion is you don't socialise much with the opposite sex because you are likely fall in love with another person which might / or might not affect your family life (will affect your family life if you can not love two people and feel possessive)...will not affect your family life if you can love two people without possessiveness) This holds good for those who had arranged marriages too. If you had self actualised or in the process then chances are little less. That is all. But probability still exists and is considerable. It does not mean that you should marry only those whom you loved or arranged marriages are wrong. They have their own issues. One has to accept them and live within the boundaries of emotions like love and limited socialisation or without self actualisation. It is better to be aware of these and be cautious. That is all.

(if you laugh at this then you actually don't know what is happening. You might say that you love your husband / wife too much because he or she loves you. But sorry to say that it is not the truth. You think it is love. But it is only 'like'. You might enjoy everything with him. But still you only like him for the sacrifices he has made, the amount of love he showers on you, the way he takes care of you, or the safe and secured life he has given you. If he has allowed you to self actualise then your 'ego' and 'super ego' (type these words in google and read about them before you misinterpret) components might save you. If not the danger is predominant)

ok now. Let us go...

Do you love your husband?

There are three types of answers you can give here.

1. 'yes. Of course. He is the best. He takes care of me soooooo well. I love him a lot!'

2. 'hmm...yes. I love him. There are if s and but s. But at the end of the day as a whole i love him!'

3. 'I can't answer this. But for the sake of my parents, society and my children i have to love him and live with him. I have to fulfill my responsibilities as a wife for the sake of my economic and social security'. 

(hai friends...i have got some questions for you for this answer No.3... 'Can fear or inability or low self-esteem bring happiness?'...'can you be forced to love a person?' 'can a social relationship formed by culture or social system force you to love a person?'...think about it...we will see it in the next mail or here itself at the end!!!)

Many husbands and wives are living as husband and wife as it has become a 'habit' for them. Most of them live together for the fear of their parents, close relatives, social stigma, economic and social security. For the sake of the mental and physical health and future of the children. Many wives only deliver their responsibilities without the true love for their husband. Vice versa is also true. Most of them only have feeling of thankfulness, faithfulness,  a kind of feeling of love in their own definition as their food, shelter, clothing, health, care for their beauty, to an extent freedom of expression, freedom to move around, to an extent limited social status, social and economic security are looked after. But is it real love?...any relationship where self actualisation is curbed, there is less chance of real love. Many who had love marriage have again fallen in love with another person. In some cases they love the second guy more than the first guy because they got more happiness from him. They felt a higher dimention of love with the second guy than what they experienced with the first guy. It is need less to talk about the arranged marriages as love blooms here from physical intimacy and taking care of the spouse...not from the real place or feeling of love origination...and therefore it will remain to be incomplete and can not lost for life time with the real sense...and is susceptible to real love...if exposed. 

ok...now let us ask if their husbands love them? (Their 'perception')

There are many different answers possible here.

'Yeah. He loved me when we were lovers. But now it is reduced. You can say nil. But he takes care of me and the children well. So it is ok!' 

(this condition occurs generally with the guys because when they guy was the lover his mind said he is a lover and he did what ever he perceived to be the behaviours of a lover. When he got married his mind said he is a husband and behaved like the traditional husbands like his father (controlling, expecting, treating his wife as just a work horse at home, seeing her as only a wife and not a lover any more, etc). Observe a 2 year old girl child how she plays. She assumes herself as the mother and does what ever her mother is doing. When she goes to school, during play she enacts her teacher. Same way we behave like husbands and wifes whom we have seen in our life. Mostly our parents. Culture spreads on its own. It need not be taught. No one taught us to drink tea or coffee about which nothing is specified in the health foods of school science books. Culture spreads on its own.)

'Yes. He loves me a lot. He takes care of me nicely, gives me freedom, gets me all that i want, has given me a good standard of living, loves the children. So, he loves me!' (if you ask her 'does your husband 'konju'fy you...does he adore you...does he motivate you...does he appreciate your hard work...she will say 'hmmm...a big No!'...so there is some gap...is it not?)

'He? Love? Useless guy!...does he know what love is?...he can only shout and demand..hmmm...i just surviving!'...(for such women all other husbands in the world are best but not their husbands. Yes. There are many wives who only 'exist' 'survive'....very few 'live' with their husband with real refreshing, enlightening, sparking 'love' for a long time!)

Also we need to understand that 'love can not be demanded!'. We can not force other person to love us. We can not force ourself to love the other person. It springs or blooms from heart on its own. It can not be faked. If it is faked it is known to the person faking and the person receiving. It is stressful for both. Then why to fake?..if you are a good actor then do it!...if the other person also is an actor!...you know whom each other is cheating!

Where there is a demand, control, force, no freedom to express, pursue the life pursuits, socialise etc...love can not bloom. Only fear can bring some feeling of concern. That is all. Faithfulness or loyal feeling.

Every one shows love in his own way. We need to understand this. But the wife or husband demand love from them in a way they can appreciate. They don't appreciate the love in other ways. This is the main reason for wives perceiving that their husbands are not loving them. This goes the same for the men too. Mostly men go to other women for emotional support, their laps, shoulders, hugs and kisses and nice words...which they expect from their wife and do not get. Of course, Darwin also plays a part with his 'variety' theory. 

Mostly women want 'konjal' 'adoring' 'appreciating'. They want to be treated as lovers (while they remain as wives!!!). Hey...you guys there...are you listening! (but many say 'rams! we are unable to do daa. We don't find it to be comfortable. We fake and it is stressful'. This is because they have formed such a social climate with their wives. It is not that 'it is their nature!'. No. If they get a lover they will do all konjals, adoring and appreciating. So, it is the social climate they have formed without their knowledge which has made them like that. ok girls...are you ready to accept faked love emotions like konjal, adoring and appreciating from your guns?...No. Isn't it?...so accept his love in his form...guys there!...you also accept the love from your wife the way it is!...the problem starts only when you look for this outside the family.

Now...all the girls who want konjal, adoring and appreciation from their husbands...just think...do you do all these three with your husbands?...don't tell me he is not doing and so you are not doing...this is not 'hen from egg or egg from hen' ok!

so, you give what you want from your spouse...you will also get the same. Otherwise 'you will get what you give!'...in otherwords 'you will not get what you don't give!'. In a nutshell don't live like 'husband and wife'. Live like 'lovers'. Start your life as lovers even if it is an arranged marriage. Then the right 'social climate of lovers' automatically forms in your married life and you remain to be 'lovers' exchanging emotions and behaviours of lovers...enjoying your entire life as lovers while fulfilling the responsibilities of family as a social system. There will be no second guy or second girl. But watch out!...Darwin is on your nut(s)!!!

see you...bye...

rams