What is love?...are we in love?...how to keep it going?

hai friends...how are you?

hope you enjoyed the previous mail...

yes...life is very very short on earth...before we realise that we have started enjoying the life we reach the end of it in no time...so it is not worth spending the life in negativities...negative thinking and negative behaviours...so, let us keep laughing, giggling and radiating happiness!

yesterday i was watching a tv serial in which the writer and director have put in so much of efforts to reach the extremes of negativities...think sooo much and work out strategies to make others' life miserable and screw up...and we watch it and enjoy along with small eats!...does revenge and related negative behaviours really give us soul filling happiness or aanandam?...in comparison with happiness out of positive behaviours??

human beings are adventure loving animals...doing adventures in negatives only brings unhappiness...it might seem to give happiness, till it boomerangs and destroys us!!...adventures in positives that give happiness are joy multipliers. So, shall we be adventurous?

as you know by now, that 'where ever i am, music has to be there!'...or 'where good music is there, i am there!'

whereas it is other way at home...if i play music there will be opposition from all...of course, except my father...as father is like son!

so, the result is whenever my mother is there, no playing of music. Tell me when a mother will not be at home...hmmm?

but one day a miracle happened!! I was listening to music during noon time...a tamil song...my mother was cooking in the kitchen...i was reading a book but can see the music system...my mother who was holding a utensil in hand, quietly came, looked at me if i am watching, confirmed i am not watching her, (she thought i am not watching!)...and increased the volume and went back without making any noise...!!!..of course, she liked that song very much. In fact all mothers will like it. Here is the link...if you like it then you are a mother. If you don't like it then you are not a mother!!!!!(????)...http://youtu.be/eyKKmps9Z9Y

among all the subjects on earth, psychology is the most important one...so it justifies my move from science to applied sciences to engineering to management to psychology...and of course, to robots - i.e behaviours of machines...intelligent machines!!!

why psychology?...because it is about 'behaviours of all living organisms'...from soul to spiritualism to beliefs in gods to ghosts to anything in heart or brain of all living organisms...

why 'human psychology'?...because from birth to death...cradle to grave...morning to evening...we keep interacting and having problems with human beings...at home...in the street...at office...at any place!!!...we don't have problems with non living things...and animals too, as we can easily handle them...but human beings, wofffff!...very 'difficult to handle' organisms!!!...and human beings are every where...like god being every where!

so, if we can manage his/her behaviours...the brain, from where behaviours originate, the place were the 'mind' rests...then we can rule the world...be happy, healthy and successful too!!!

behaviours with other human beings lead to relationships...most important being husband and wife...or we can call as lovers...the initial part is full of joy as 'adventures in happiness' masks all the negatives, short falls and once the adventure is over, negatives only get magnified and stand in front like monsters!!!...the individuals might not have changed, but our perceptions change!!!...so, how to keep the initial adventure going?...here is a fantastic and interesting talk about that...we have heard about intelligence, emotional intelligence etc...have you heard about 'erotic intelligence'?...here is something about 'erotic intelligence'...

http://www.ted.com/talks/esther_perel_the_secret_to_desire_in_a_long_term_relationship.html

(i can see you showing 'chee...chee' face!...as we feel shy and think it is bad...bad...badddd!...but we agree that it has its role in long term emotional relationships in life. So, why not give it a try to listen to it!)

when we think about 'love' we have only a boy, girl (not even a man and a woman!!!) and sex appearing in our front!...we can not think about anything other than these three in 'love'. We call all others as only 'friendship'!...but there are many like Nate Berkus, a man, who is intensely in love with another man Fernando Bengoechea (gay relationship)...you can type their names in google and read how deeply they were in love...and he loses him in the 2004 tsunami at sri lanka...and feels so bad that he lost his love...he says he loves him for his personality traits...few striking ones...and not for his body!...world terms it as love!...we term it as wrong relationship...gay...but lots of researches have gone in this area and finally scientists say it is not a mental disorder and it is only a variation of human sexuality!!!

you say 'chee...chee' or what ever you feel like...what i wanted to bring to closer look is 'love' has a broader meaning...much beyond sex...it may be a minuscule part of it in a relationship...we only magnify it out of proportions and make it an issue...for us 'love' means 'sex'. We can not think about one without the other. sadddd!...does this mean if no sex then no love between couple???...if some one really loves a person, SEX MAY NOT MATTER AT ALLLLLL!...so, if it matters, then the two are not in real love!!!

they are only into a 'emotional business environment' of providing 'service in exchange of service' to each other!...why i wanted to bring in front is because 'our definition of love is wrong and we mess up our lives with this definition'...

in fact i only wonder at this relationship of husband and wife in which one dislikes or quarrels with the other if the sexual needs are not met...they may not accept, but given time in this situation, the love fades off and the relationship remains only as a 'society sake' or  'on paper' relationship!!!...'what sort of a love it is?...do they really love?...i.e a relationship in which 'sex' matters, is it really a relationship or love?

if a girl says 'my husband loves me a lot', just tell her not to meet his needs, let us see where is the love?...is it revolving around sex?...is it anchored there?

so, to actually know about anything...we need to list down the factors / variables concerned...factors affecting it...remove or apply the factors and see the effects...only then we will be able to define anything...

husbands kill wives...wives kill husbands...divorces...lover kills lover...emotional relationships break up...most of the unhappiness in relationships (any type) (marriage, lovers etc), crimes, rapes, child or female abuses...all are centered around sex...news papers are filled with these issues...most of the problems between a boy and a girl, a man and a women is this!!!...is it anyway related to love?...how can we hate or kill the person whom we love?...we love only for sex, is it?

there are people who say like this...

'i don't want to marry my lover (she also feels like that) as i can not hate her.I want to love her always. I just can not imagine quarreling with her. But we have lots of differences. They might get buried initially in our husband-wife relationship. But might surface later and can create problems in happiness and the relationship between us. I don't know why i love her. What has made me to love her. What trait or feature of her is attracting me. But i love her a lot!...we have decided to be good friends for ever!'

between these two, is marriage really required?...or should they marry some one else and mess up their lives?...

some are like above and decide to remain as only friends, not to live together, and not as husband and wife (i.e living together).

now look at the other cases...

'I know my husband loves another girl too. But it does not affect me. It makes me to love him more. I think i am not loving him enough. It is not important if he is loving girls other than me or not, but it is important for me if he loves me. He loves me a lot. That is enough for me!'

'I know he loves other girls. I also know that he does not love me. All these do not matter to me. What is important to me is whether i love him or not!...I love him. I love him a lot. I don't need his physical presence. I am able to love him which is enough for me!'

'I know he loves another girl. I also know that he does not love me anymore. All these do not matter to me. But i love him and love him a lot. This is enough for me. I don't need his physical presence. I am in love is more important to me!'

i know you will call these people as NUTTTTTTTTTTTTS!...but if you look at carefully, they are 'positive' people in my opinion, as they want to convert the situation into a positive one towards happiness, good health and to be successful. If every one thinks like this then world will be at peace. Families will not go into pieces. Loves will not break up. No heart will pain. No tears. No divorces. No murders. Word 'marital cheating' will be removed from the dictionary.

the biggest problem in the world is cheating...marital cheating...and cheating between lovers!

recently i read in a tamil mag...a village girl says 'I got married to a villager. For first six days he was aloof and when she asked he said 'i am in love with another girl. My parents forced me to get married to you as you are from the same caste!''...on hearing this the girl did not cry...she says she gave full freedom to him to be in the old relationship and gave him all her love. She realised that he is in love with this girl (wife) too. She says he looked after her sooo nicely. But his parents and brothers came to know that he is continuing with the old relationship and murdered that girl. After that this man has gone wonky. Though he still loves his wife he is totally destroyed to pieces that he is unable to show it. The girl cries saying 'I love my husband. He loves  me. I respect his old relationship. Some days he stays with her and does not come home. I don't have any ill feelings about it. How many relationships he has is no matter to me. What matters to me is that 'he loves me!'. That is it. Now i am also destroyed seeing him into pieces.' 

I think this village girl gives an answer for all multiple relationships. By this i am not saying multiple relationships is right or wrong. I am only amazed to see how this girl has converted a negative situation into a positive situation. It is all in the mind!...i am sure she will be able to make him fine with her positive approach and 'love' weapon!

why dumeel...dumeels...and chathak...chathaks?...because of our wrong understanding of love, possessiveness, tons and tons of expectations, not looking at issues empathetically...urges, not knowing how to regulate the urges etc. So, no wonder Sweden has started a university for this subject.

If you notice, two people as 'husband-wife' living together keep fighting always for silly things...note, husband-wife!!...whereas a husband-wife, not living together, due to job etc, fight less or love more...i.e can we say that they are living like friends...not living together!...so, which is good?...living away as friends or living together as husband and wife?...of course, ideal is living together as husband and wife while being good friends!!!...so, are you a good friend or spouse or lover?

there is a definition which says 'loving without reasons is called 'love' and all others are only 'like's'...so, how many of you want to click 'like's for this???

ok guys and gals...this is an endless subject...we will discuss another dimension of it later...you can also analyse it by doing an actual research...by manipulating the variables...i.e removing the variables or adding variables...do you want to take the risk?

keep rocking!...bye...

rams