DO WE REALLY RESPECT OUR SIGNIFICANT PEOPLE?...DO WE REALLY LOVE OUR SIGNIFICANT PEOPLE?

Dear all...DO WE REALLY RESPECT OUR SIGNIFICANT PEOPLE?...DO WE REALLY LOVE OUR SIGNIFICANT PEOPLE?....

other day i had gone to a mallu house...lower middle class family...father died long back...mother stitches clothes at home and survives the family...two daughters and one son...no good education...son graduates...both girls only +2 just pass in lower groups...elder daughter married to a saudi clerical guy...son also catches his fingers and goes to saudi...second girl also gets married to a low wage earner...one family becomes three families...husband of younger daughter remains in india to look after all the three families...1. his own 2. mother living alone 3. elder daughter with her mother in law (father in law died of heart attack due to excessive drinking and smoking).

The boy makes money and buys a flat. The elder daughter's husband also earns a lot and buys a land and a good house. The boy marries a rich family girl in gulf and has a baby too. Mother is happy to see the family growing in all riches and comforts.

Both the guys in gulf pick up the habit of drinking liquor. They teach the husband of the younger daughter also to drink.

The happy mother becomes a sad mother now to see all the boys drinking!

Recently the elder daughter's husband lost his job, classified as an addict, suffers depression and jaundice (liver affected due to drinking) with indication of liver failure, and he comes back to mother land. No job. Family has picked up posh living. Money required for day to day posh living and to continue the good school education of the children.

When i went to their house, the boy had come to india with his wife and baby, called the husband of younger sister in the night and went to terrace to drink liquor leaving wife, baby, mom, younger sister and her two school going sons at home.

I asked that boy in his late twenties 'do you respect your mother?'. He said 'Of course, yes!' 'that is why we are going to the terrace to drink!. I don't feel like drinking in front of her as i feel i am insulting her!'

I asked him 'Is your mother happy with this kind of your respect?'...he said 'No, but it is a habit and social custom in gulf amidst people like us and as long as we can control ourselves there is no problem!'

'then why your elder sister's husband could not control and landed up with all the health issues?'

'what to do, he could not control and inspite of our warning he continued drinking more. Anyway, we are going to take him to de-addiction center and treat him!'

anyway...our discussion continued on these lines and what i could make out is...the mother is likely to see losing all the three guys in front of her eyes and both the girls becoming widow and the boys of these two girls also becoming like their fathers only. This is how a lower middle class family grows and falls down and remains there only!!

the crux of the issue is...

1. Respect is not drinking or smoking away from parents or throwing away the cigarette seeing the parents, showing fear and obedient face to parents, saluting, or saying 'yes sir!' and all such other body gestures, facial expressions of showing respect as per our culture.

Respect means being responsible and courteous!!

In this case cited, the boy feels he is respecting his parents, wife and sisters. He also feels responsible as he has become a successful bread winner, married off the two sisters with his earnings, bought an A/C flat for his mom, lives in all riches to keep the mom happy. So, he feels he is a responsible son, husband and brother. He feels he respects his mom, wife and sisters. the other two gentle men also feel they are respecting the old lady, their wives and their school going children.

Truly they are all disrespecting the ladies and children as they are not responsible husbands, fathers and sons. Getting money to the family is not everything!!

2. Love means creating a feeling of 'I care for you! Don't worry, i am there for you!' in the mind of the other person. The worst punishment one can give to his mother is to make her see his dead body in front of her eyes. i.e the son should not die or suffer with life threatening illness in front of his mother. So, any person loving his wife or children or sisters/brothers, mother should pursue only 'health enhancing' behaviours, life styles, habits etc and not have 'health compromising' behaviours, life styles, habits etc. They should follow a healthy life style and not a sedentary one.

In this case cited though all the three gentle men feel they are loving their family members and the old lady. But truly not. They don't know what is the definition of love!!...they feel looking after the ladies financially, physically and emotionally, meeting all their body and mind needs, making them living in all comforts, giving good education to children is what is love. But truly the ladies and children will be suffering looking at their men drinking, spoiling health and moving towards the grave leaving them all abandoned on the roads. They are feeling helpless. How can these guys say and make them feel 'I care for you! Don't worry, i am there for you!' when they will leave them after few years!

There are many ladies in this God's own country who are widows after the age of 40 or 45. There are many ladies and children who suffer a lot along with their ailing husbands who drink, smoke, eat non veg, and live a sedentary exercise-less life.

Men generally think they can control their addictive chemical drinking/eating/smoking habits. But as time passes the brain loses its health. It creates weak mind. Liver and other vital organs become unhealthy, lose efficiency and get affected with diseases. when they have to face professional (cut throat competitions), emotional, financial, social challenges in the mid-life, when they face major losses in these (promotion loss, loss of loved ones, loss of money, loss of friendships etc) or threats, their weak body and mind are unable to cope and they fall heavily to drinking/smoking and such other addictive chemicals and sedentary life styles and screw up the health, become addicts, get liver, lung, stomach, colon, heart, vascular diseases and die.

so...so...so...the crux is...

1. 'Respect' means being responsible to family, people and relationships.

2. 'Loving' means following health enhancing, active, non-sedentary life styles to live long and support the people and relationships with love, affection and care.

If some one can not live like this without this true 'respect' and 'love' then they should not marry!!!

peacefully yours....rams....health psychologist...